if only we had made it

Claire

Im in the kitchen with Angelina when Finny comes home. 

He hasn't been home for days and I know the reason was because of Sylvie. 

As much as I want to take my daughter's side wholeheartedly, I can't. 

I have to look at the bigger picture because someone has to and unfortunately it isn't going to be either Finny or Autumn. 

I love the two to death but sometimes their love for each other is the only thing that matters or is clear to them.

It's the only thing they see.

 As if the two aren't in close range all else will fail and everything will spiral. 

In their defense when they aren't near everything does spiral. 

Autumn pushes Finny away and the two get into relationships that they both know they shouldn't be in. 

Was I supposed to tell them how to live their lives? 

No.

That's for them to find out. 

Finny was his own person. 

Autumn was an extension of my being. I saw so much of myself in her that I struggled to let her live her own life in fear that she would make the same mistakes that I have. Unfortunately, as her mother, I have to let her do her own thing and learn her lesson the hard way. 

Love wasint supposed to be easy among the lessons that a child would have to learn growing up. 

I learned that myself with Autumn's father.

We took vows to love each other until we took our dying breaths. 

Unfortunately for Autumn and Finny, they will be learning two lessons together at a very young age. 

Autumn was pregnant. 

My daughter was pregnant. 

With Finnys baby. 

Angelina's son got my daughter pregnant. 

We were going to be grandparents together. 

Out of all the things I had imagined we would do together in the next ten years becoming grandparents was not one of them. 

In my mind the second Autumn was born I had this nagging thought that my only purpose for being on this earth was to keep Autumn alive and happy. To make sure she didn't repeat my mistakes. To say that I only regretted one moment in my life would be a lie. though if you had to ask me if I'd erase those moments I'd tell you no. The one and only moment I would erase from my mind is ever thinking that my only purpose was to be a mom once Autumn had arrived. 

That's the mistake I am going to make sure Autumn doesn't repeat.

She's still my daughter and though a mother she may become that baby will not be the only thing that defines her. She is smart strong and capable and stubborn as she may be she's still my baby girl. 

I was here to support her and learn how to live my life as well. 

Not be her soul source of life. 

She was supposed to figure that out on her own and with her future partner. 

Did Angelina and I wholeheartedly belive that Finny was to be that future partner? 

Yes.

But you can't blame us. 

We sat day in and day out and watched the two bond and connect and not leave each other's sides since the two were babies. 

I watched as Finny got irritated when he could no longer sleep in Autumn's bed during their sleepovers. 

He didn't understand why us girls would sneak away in stores and he couldn't come with us.

If it is to be believed that the young brain can not fall in love then I must say that Phineas Smith's brain is aged far beyond his years because the boy I have cared for and helped raise has without a doubt been in love with Autumn since he could comprehend what the word love meant. 

I don't know what went down with my daughter and Angelina's son these past couple of years. All I knew was that as the two had grown distant a part of Finny had grown distant as well and I nor his mother could do anything about it. 

Autumn was to Finny what Angelina was to me just with a romantic twist. 

There was and forever will be an Autumn-shaped puzzle piece in that big brain of his, and that piece seemed to take place in the very center, and when the piece was missing it seemed to distort the entirety of the puzzle. 

Autumn was Finnys key.

And though i was no fool from the outside eye it would appear that Finny had wanted and needed Autumn more than Autumn wanted or needed Finny. 

They didn't watch the shell of my girl bloom in the wake of his presence though. They didn't watch her eyes light up when he would walk into our family dinners and they didn't see them dim again when she remembered that Finny was someone else's. 

He wasint though.

He never was.

Finny will Always be Autumn's, and Autumn will forever be Finny's.