if only we had made it

Autumn

Life has a way of throwing choices at you that you are not yet ready for. 

Choices that seem impossible to choose from.

Choices that in the long run you have no idea if they will fit your future life or not.

This is one of those choices. 

When I had wished for a life with Finny i had imagined the white fence and the yellow house with a tired swing and our little blonde babies running around.

I had wanted that.

I still want that.

But for future Finny and future Autumn. 

Stable Autumn and Doctor Finny.

Husband and wife.

Not boyfriend and girlfriend. 

We're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. 

We're just such in this loop of "I love you" and "I want to be with you" That never seems to end. 

That never seemed to be enough. 

It's been a month since that night.

The night I refuse to think of anymore. 

Im putting it behind me.

Lord- or whoever is up there - knows I have bigger fish to fry at the moment.

 I haven't seen Finny for three days. He's been spending the nights at Sylvie's house cause she's been complaining about him never being over and in order to keep up the rouse of their relationship he needed to convert back to his old ways. 

The first day I texted him and called him to check in, to see how he was doing, because Sylvie wasn't the only one who had gotten into a car accident, She couldn't even remember the accident.

Finny on the other hand could, and it had traumatized him. 

I hadn't texted him since, nor had I called.

I cried though.

Yet again I was alone. 

Dream Autumn went through this without Finny and although it had only been a week since I took that test real Autumn was doing it without him too. 

Suppose that was my fault as well. 

I hadn't told him. 

I didn't really have the time when today would be the fourth day that he was spending at Sylvie's. 

The first day I was too shocked to do anything.

 I threw up and slept and stared at my wall while Finny lay behind me talking to Jack on the phone. I had lied and said I was sick, that I was running a fever and he had believed me because he had no reason to believe that I would lie to him.

Not very many people lied to Finny and if they had it would be the last of which he gave them the chance to. Finny took honesty very seriously.

 Loyalty as well. 

He hasn't said it but I know him and I know it's because of his father. He may not want top admit it but his fathers actions and words over the years have affected him far more than he lets on.

The second day he had tried driving again and had freaked out and wanted to sleep.

On the third day, well, there was Sylvie. 

the so on and so forth till this morning when I lay in an empty bed with what we now consider his side, cold and empty, yet again.

It appears that we will spend the better part of our teenage years pushing each other way. 

A never-ending pull of focusing on something more important.  

I just hoped that my little lie would not be the final wedge that separated us. 

I hoped that the choice I needed to make for both mine and Finnys future wouldn't be what took him away forever. 

And though Finny wasn't pushing me away something or rather someone was.

It was Sylvie.

Again. 

Pushing a wedge between us.