if only we had made it

Autumn

Sometimes I didnt like Jack. 

Like right now I'm not a huge fan of his.

Finny would be trying to sleep for forty-eight minutes and all Jack wanted to do was talk about soccer and keep him awake. 

Jack doesn't have many friends, I get it, I really do but does he ever sleep?

He has done this for the past five days and because Finny doesn't sleep at night he's been sleeping all afternoon, I don't know if it's because Finny is in my bed and I just feel tired around him or if I'm overly tired from staying up with Finny and throwing up, but we've both been sleeping in. 

I'll wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare of kissing Finnys coffin and have the urge to throw up, then for ten minutes I do nothing but puke and dry heave into my toilet.

That's why I find myself at his grave right now, or what would have been his grave. 

I can't get the image out of my mind and although I wasn't at the funeral in the dream I can picture his coffin being lowered into the ground where he'd be put to his final rest.

That is also another difference between dream autumn and real autumn. Dream Autumn hadn't attended due to how heartbroken she was, real autumn, me, I would have pushed him aside and closed that coffin over us and brought us both to our endless sleep together.

The grass is green and still flat, no headstone, and no diggers is preparing to dig a six-foot hole at any given second but it's still his grave.

His very empty yet filled grave. 

Filled with nothing but dirt and not the blonde boy I fell in love with. 

Filled with hope for the future and memories that could be made. 

Will be made.

Filled with tears that never needed to be shed in the first place. 

Still, tears are shed and emotions are clouded due to a dream that felt far too real. 

I can't move on and as much as I need to a part of me doesn't want to. 

Im grieving the loss of someone I never lost.

I can't say I dislike Jack most of the time. Sure he keeps Finny awake and sure he's a nuisance at most waking hours of the day but that's just Jack and  during all this, he still made it his mission to volunteer to be the one to hang out with Sylive while she was getting her memory back.

It was small things like that, that had me thankful for him. 

He was the reason I could have finny to myself for a while

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It was 3 AM, and again I was puking.

It's been two weeks since I've seen Finny's would have been grave.

Im in the bathroom farthest from my bedroom in hopes that i don't wake Finny up. I tend to do that sometimes and he never complains, just holds my hair up and rubs my back until I'm done then once im done emptying whatever was in my stomach that night he gets up and gets me bread with butter and a class of water. 

I wish i could say he's just being sweet because it's me but honestly, that's just who he is. He would do it for anyone he knew if they needed it and as thankful as i am for all the help he's been this past month, he needs his sleep, and my constant state of nightmare sickness isn't going to get him anywhere other than dark circles under his eyes and lack of energy in the mornings to come. 

My hair is pulled back from around my face but I know it's not Finny who does it.

It's aunt Angelina. 

"Autumn honey this has been going on for a month now."

I slump to the side of the toilet leaving my arm resting on the seat lid and my head resting on my arm. 

Reaching behind her she grabs a few pieces of toilet paper before bringing it to my mouth and wiping the corner of my mouth. 

"It's not leaving my head. It won't stop."

She sighs. "I know honey." 

She does know. 

Finny mentioned my puking to the mothers a week ago where they sat me down and and questioned the puking. Turns out I wasn't the only one having nightmares about Finny. 

"I never want that boy in a car ever again. Matter of fact I never want him to leave the house again," She says.

I laugh weakly. "Works for me."

"Oh, I'm sure it does." She nods her head with her eyebrows raised and a slight smirk on her lips. 

We sit there for a moment just smiling. I take that time to look around the bathroom like I usually do when I'm in here. Theirs 87 total tiles if you put together all the tiles that are halves. I also notice the bag that I heard a shuffle when Aunt Angelna walked in. It turned around so I can't tell what store she got it from but if I had to assume it was one of the many my mother keeps under the kitchen sink after grocery shopping for the small trashcans in the bedrooms and bathrooms and anytime we need to take a handful of things from the downstairs to the upstairs. 

"You know I never told you how I found out I was pregnant with Finny did I?" she says taking a seat beside the toilet across from me.

I shake my head looking back and meeting her eyes.

"I didn't have any symptoms. Actually, your mom didn't either. She was lucky and had the easiest pregnancy known to woman-kind. I had only puked for a week straight mostly at night. "

I don't know why she's telling me this but I wont argue it. 

"Now I'll never know what possessed me to take a pregnancy test but eventually I did and it turns out I was pregnant. I sat there for what felt like hours and questioned my entire life. I didn't even have my life together and now I'm looking down at the test on the side of my bathtub and I realize that not only was I going to be responsible for my life but an innocent baby as well." She pauses. "Autumn honey I know what two teenagers do when they like each other and are left alone. I was a teenager once too. Heck, I was not even a teenager when I got the man I liked alone with me in the same space."

I sit up a little. 

"Im not saying you did do anything and I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have. Just if you did I hope you were safe about it, and if you weren't," She pauses again, this time setting the bag she carried with her on the counter. "It's better to know and be scared than to be unaware and unprepared when it comes time. "

She stands running her hand over my head before walking out of the bathroom and back into the room she's sharing with my mom. 

I take in her words thinking long and hard about what I am going to have to do.

I can sit here and dwell and tell myself theirs no possible way but I would truly be a fool if I honestly thought that. 

Standing I push myself to sit on the toilet seat grabbing the bag and placing it on my lap. It's a little heavy and I can tell from the shape formed at the bottom of the bag that it's some kind of bottle holding a drink. Apple juice from the light hind of brown showing through the bag. Opening it I realize that crackers and apple juice arent the only things aunt Angelina had brought from downstairs. 

I guess I'm about to find out if mine and Finnys situation just got allow more difficult.