if only we had made it

Sylvie

Finny was currently asleep on my couch 

I tried to get him to sleep in my bed, but he refused. 

Three nights in a row. 

Somehow, even when I had all of him, it wasn't completely and fully all of him. 

And I hated that.

Finny was mine.

He was supposed to be, at least.

When I had heard what Finny had been doing with Autumn through my friends, I knew I had to do something, but I hadn't fully figured out what that was going to be. 

Now that I have sat in my bed with him on my couch for the last three nights, I know exactly what I'm going to do. 

It wasn't always as clear as it was now, but Finny had always had an obsession with Autumn. 

Originally, I had ignored it cause I just thought it was one-sided. 

I thought that the reason behind Autumn and Finny no longer being the friends that Finny had claimed they were was because Autumn hadn't reciprocated the feelings that Finny had given. 

I always thought her a fool for giving up Finny because who in their right mind would do that? 

Even before I was his, I would do no such thing just based on the kindness that he shared with others. 

I wasn't blind though. 

I knew the moment I started seeing Finny that he was completely immersed in Autumn's world. 

In the NASA sense, that was. 

Autumn was his moon and everything between and beyond it. 

She was the stars and the Sun the Milky Way and the constellations.

Finny was a young boy in love with everything out of his reach. 

Eager and waiting with his telescope late at night, just to catch a glimpse of what the galaxy beyond held. 

He wanted to know all the secrets and corners that were yet to be discovered. 

Forever curious and questioning when it came to her. 

Autumn had now shown interest in revealing those corners.

 Autumn was now the rocket ship helping him reach those out-of-reach places. 

I couldn't have that.

They had grown distant once.

They could do it again.

They might just need a little help. 

And that?

That was my plan. 

All I had to do was pretend I hadn't gotten my memory back before I got home and pretend I wanted my boyfriend all the time and I would win. 

That's what Finny was. 

My, boyfriend.

Mine.

Not Autumns. 

And in order to finally be able to prove that to Autumn and Finny i needed to do this.

Then I would finally have something go right in my world.

I would finally be able to have something that was fully mine. 

Finally, choose something to go right and have it go right instead of all kinds of wrong. 

That's what I wanted, and I wouldn't lie and say that it doesn't upset me the things that had happened with Autumn but in order for my life to remain the perfect picture that I wanted it to be, I had to have Finny included in that. 

Finny was my normal.

My safe space. I breathed him and I needed him to breathe me. 

So if I was the bad guy for that then I supposed I'm the bad guy. You never got everything you want from being the good guy. 

Even if I decided not to be the bad guy and Finny ended up with Autumn, Finny would still have cheated on me and Autumn would still steal him from me. 

Autumn would still have known Finny was cheating on me and be okay with it. 

They both would still have been the bad guys.

From my point of view that was.

And that's the only point of view that matters to me other than Finny. 

And if I had to separate Autumn and Finny in order to get that point of view than so be it. 

He was mine first and this wasn't a game of finders keepers. 

If that is what game she wanted to play then I was going to play keep away. 

And I was going to win.