POISONOUS//lashton au

Fourteen

Everything was a blur as Luke made his way away from Ashton. Tears kept spilling from his eyes and they were not stopping. As Luke reached the doors to the building there was a hand on his shoulder. Luke shuddered. He got a sudden chill. That was a touch he hadn't felt in so long. He knew it was Ashton. Even if Ashton hadn't been the only person around he would have known it was Ashton. Then to confirm what he already knew, Ashton spoke.

"Luke I know I'm the reason you're crying right now and I know I am the reason you've cried a lot in the past three years so right now I have no idea if you want me to leave and to never see me again or if you want me to stay. Because if I left right now when you wanted me to stay, that would just be one more thing I would hate myself for. I wouldn't be able to stand hurting you again. My heart is shattering right now just watching you cry. But if you can't stand to look at me, which I wouldn't blame you for, please tell me. And I'll go. I just need to know what you want from me and I'll do it."

Luke's body trembled. This was Ashton. Ashton was always putting Luke ahead and always making sure Luke was happy. And it scared Luke because he didn't want Ashton and yet he did more than anything. All Luke wanted was to be happy which seemed to be impossible to achieve with or without Ashton. So Luke told Ashton exactly what he wanted.

"I just want to be happy." Luke sobbed.

Ashton still had a hand on Luke's shoulder. It was barely there, almost hovering over the soft material of Luke's shirt as if Ashton knew he should move it but needed to feel Luke. That was exactly how Luke was feeling.

"And how can that happen?" Ashton asked.

"I don't know! Because for the past three years I have been miserable without you but being with you hurts just as bad if not worse and I don't know what to do and everything hurts because all I want is to be happy but I have absolutley no clue how to get there!"

Luke knew he must have looked ridiculous to passerbys. A 20 year old boy shouting and sobbing like a little child out in public. But at that moment he didn't care. Nothing made sense to him and he had no idea what to do.

Then, Ashton's arms hesitantly slid around Luke's shoulders. Luke's muscles visibly tightened at the touch but he didn't pull away. Instead he relaxed into Ashton and continued to cry.

This should have made Luke even more hurt and confused. Ashton was hugging him. Those arms that had held him close so many times before were holding him tight once again. The touch was so warm and familiar. They felt safe. Just like they used to all those countless times before. Except this time made no sense. The safety of Ashton's grip was exactly what he was trying to get away from it was exactly the reason he had been crying in the first place but Ashton felt warm. He felt like home and Luke didn't want to pull away. If he didn't leave, didn't pull away, he wouldn't have to face the reality. And the reality of Luke's life was a backstabbing bitch. So he held on. He wrapped his arms around Ashton's waist and held on tight, while burying his face deep into Ashton's neck. Just one more warm and familiar place. He would have to let go soon. Then he would have so much stuff to figure out but in that moment, everything felt okay.

Then just as soon as he started it, Ashton ended it. Luke avoided eye contact with Ashton. He wiped the tears away from his eyes, blinked a couple times just to be sure, then looked up at Ashton. Luke was shocked to see Ashton fighting off tears. Though no matter how hard he tried, they were there and Luke could see them.

"You're crying." Luke pointed out.

Ashton nodded and blinked them back, only for them to reappear. "Yeah I am."

"Why?"

"Because that was something I could have had every single day if I hadnt fucked up. And I hate myself. Because that, was the best thing I've experienced in three years and it's all my fault."

Luke wasn't going to cry again. Not for the second time in front of Ashton that day. So to prevent it from happening, he looked down at the ground and mumbled, "You should go." Before walking inside and leaving.

Nothing felt right. He shouldn't have let Ashton hug him. It was a mistake. One stupid mistake that he wished he could have changed.

All he felt was pain.

He had been in his desk chair for not even 10 minutes when his boss informed him he looked like shit and be should go home. Luke walked home with his mind swirling, his heart racing, and tears streaming from his eyes. Luke wanted his life back and he wanted his happiness back and he wanted it back badly.

Being in Ashton's arms was the safest and happiest he had felt in three years.

Luke knew how he could be happy again. He knew the quickest way. It was Ashton. He could be happy again by being with Ashton. It was so quick and right in his grasp. But Ashton was not an option. He could not be with Ashton again. He had broken his heart. Luke knew he could just as easily do it again.

~

This is coming a day late whoops I'm not even upset about it.

I didn't have school today which was cool but I do tomorrow which is not

-ash