I Need More Time (ShinKami)

Solitude

TW: Internalized homophobia, Conversion therapy, Emotional abuse/self-doubt, Trauma.

Over the next few days, which turned into more weeks, Denki didn't come by very much because he had Asamo. He didn't see anyone other than doctors and nurses. He called his daughters as often as he could, mostly in the evenings before bed and mornings before Mihoshi went to school.

Because the damage from the bullet to Hitoshi's femur and hip was 'minimal', in the grand scheme of his other injuries. he had surgery to mend the bones and move them back to their places (he had a Comminuted fracture in the mid-range of the femur and had a Simple fracture in his hip.) so he didn't have to lose his leg, but he would likely suffer from chronic pain in it.

He wound up rereading '1984' twice and eventually convinced a reluctant nurse to wheel him down to the library to grab something else to read. After he looked around he found another book that he'd been meaning to read for a while. it was one Miyako swore on how good it was, her golden standard for literature if you will. The book was 'The Secret History' by Donna Tartt.

It was something she tried to get him to read almost as long as they'd been together. He never read it because it was 'too long for him' and he 'didn't wanna read something that was more than 500 pages'. Now it was too late to have read it with her or talked to her about it, complain about the number of pages or long descriptions, but secretly love it and she'd have known damn well that he did enjoy it, almost as much as he did annoying her. He missed that the most. not having someone to annoy like that, or converse with like that. He missed having an equal, she was his equal in every way- well psychologically at least. he missed her company, he would have killed to have her there with him in that hospital, she'd have sat with him and rubbed his arm, held his hand, played their music to keep him distracted from everything. he could tell people were scared of him for his quirk, fear means no one to talk to, other than Denki and his daughters, who weren't here. never in his life had he wanted to talk with someone so badly. He didn't even care if he knew them; he was so desperate.

a few more hours passed, a few more nurses came in to check on him, a few more failed attempts to strike up a conversation and a few more reasons to feel like shit. never before had Hitoshi felt so extroverted, so drawn to make human contact, so needy... He'd never felt this needy before, he was used to being a self sufficient man, not whatever he would have called himself now. He wasn't who he used to be and he hated that. He wanted to go back to how he was, how everything was, he couldn't stand the way things were now.

He realized later in the day and not without much thought to the matter, that he wasn't self-sufficient. He needed people more than he knew or realized. Sure he was fine in the matters of taking care of himself but he needed a challenge and people to him were a challenge he so desperately needed. He read them like books, some were harder than others but he always did it, he always saw through the facade that everybody had. With one single exception, Denki. He couldn't read Denki no matter how hard he tried. Only one other person had that 'effect' so to say, when it came to him examining their personality, and that was Miyako.

'No' he thought.

'I don't feel like that about him. Do i?'

'No don't be ridiculous Hitoshi of course you don't, you just haven't cracked him,'

'Maybe that's because i don't want to acknowledge that he might not be a-'

'You don't feel like that towards him. He's probably an awful person, he's a hero for christ sake! You know what they're like, they're horrible and arrogant people who don't care about anyone other than themselves,'

'But he stayed with me, h-he could understand what happened, he was-'

'No he wasn't, he felt obligated to do that because he saw your wife die and he'd be an ass if he didnt. Bad press if it got out and around,'

'He was kind to me! He was kind to our kids! He was kind before she died! He was kind when he didn't need to be,'

'Bad press,'

'Not everybody is bad,'

'Do you hear yourself!? "Not everybody is bad" everyone is evil, and you know that, so don't pretend you don't because you want to feel whatever it is you want,'

'But what if i'm right?'

'You're not. And even if you were, you'd be betraying Miya, you can't date this soon after she died. Everyone is evil, everyone is bad, everyone hates you and your kids why bother trying to find someone,'

'... what if-'

'No, there is no what if, he doesn't love you, maybe he's your friend but he will never love you. If he loved you it would ruin his life, his career, everything he's worked for. You know this, you were told how damaging it is to love a man. Its evil it is, pure unaltered evil,'

'How can it be evil though? Its lo-'

'Evil! they told you that. They told you that in the classes, in the therapy to fix you. And now you go and are ready to willingly ruin everything they fixed for you. You'll ruin your life, his life, your children's lives. imagine, they'd be bullied even more in school then they would be if you were normal.'

'Neither Miya or i were normal before we met and it was fine-'

'Nobody knew! No one knew except your ex's and your parents, you dumbass, don't ruin everything. He doesn't even like you, why would anyone love you with all you've been through and all you've done, you'll never find love again. Stop it before you get hurt again, he's not worth it, you're not worth it.'

Back and forth Hitoshi went by himself, he thought he loved Denki then he hated him for showing pity and weakness to him so willingly, but then again he'd done the same. He said it himself he never cried like that in front of anyone, ever. and the only person he would've, wasn't there. He thought back to those conversion therapy sessions and the camps and the conventions and how they had fixed him made him better and made him a man and not just a weak fag that kids threw rocks at and called names, locked in lockers and gave swirlies to. he wasn't that kid anymore, he was an adult man who was- well, had been married to the most amazing woman ever and he was the father of two incredible daughter all people who he loved more than anything, would've killed for, scratch that had killed for. kind of love.

He wasn't who he used to be and he refused to go through everything he had endured when he was younger to be 'normal' again. deny, deny, deny. He would deny his feelings until they went away because he couldn't put his family through everything they had put behind them ten years ago again. He was just desperate for someone to love? Why did he feel like this? He wanted it to stop like it did before.

before.

He forgot there was a before. Before he had met Miyako he was drawn to Denki in ways he hadn't been to another man- well boy- in a while. he was absolutely enamored by him. he was the nicest and most personable person in the whole damn hero unit, they hung out almost all the time talking to each other in the middle of the night during sleep overs. for him, falling in love and terribly fast at that. but all that seemed to change once he met Miyako. She was his world, sure he talked with Denki but the feelings went away. Denki started dating Kyoka, he became a member of Bakugos friend group, he became popular, while Hitoshi sank into the shadows with Miyako and their two, maybe three, friends. they grew apart and there was nothing there. not anymore.

(btw there's an awesome documentary abt the exodus program (aka the anti gay movement) on Netflix called pray away if u wanna learn more abt this would highly recommend.)