Biotanical [h.s]

Cherry Wine

"It's Devine
I have this some of the time
The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine."
___

Flashback (TW) - Noa

His hand was tight on my throat. I couldn't breathe. I was prepared for this. I was going to die. I was going to have to be okay with it. The yelling that I constantly heard from his mouth wouldn't stop. But soon it does. It's fading. I could feel a sharp pain in my arm and it's then I am out like a light.

My eyes open to see him on top of me. I felt him in me. My head was pounding. Whatever he injected me with isn't sitting right with me. My heart is beating so fast, not knowing what to do. It was nice to block out the yelling but for what? This? There was no love between us anymore. It was pure greed and selfishness.

I felt like a fish with no water. I was stuck not able to breathe. Stuck because if he knew I was conscious I would go to cops. But if I kept acting like I was asleep, he would continue. I hated this life. Maybe dying was the better choice in this case.

There was no getting out of this and I knew deep down him letting me go wouldn't ever be possible.

As soon as he finished, he left me there. Once I heard the door shut, my breathe hitched, tears threatening to escape. I want to be alone in a world where love didn't have to exist. I think back to my parents before their death.

Everything that happens is my fault. I am the sole cause to everything. I hate myself for that. Never have I done right by anyone in my life. River reminds me everyday of that.

A kick or shove, I am never untouched by him. Always a healing bruise or scab on me. I haven't seen my body without one for the last year and a half. He was so convincing at first. He got me too deep to leave. If I left I wouldn't be able to live my life. All I have known was how to live a life like him. I followed him. I kept my mouth shut. Everything that I loved turned into dust. Absolute nothing.

My crying continues until he comes back. He comes in to see me. He lays by my lifeless body, apologizing for everything he's done.

Present - Noa

"It's okay baby, I'm so so sorry".

"No, No, please let go. I'm done, Let me go!" I wake up in a cold sweat. I can't seem to control my hyperventilation. I can't help it. He is in all my thoughts. I go on my phone, to the only thing that I can hear to comfort me anymore.

My parents last voicemail before they passed.

"Hey darling, we are driving back now. So wonderful to see you. We miss you like crazy! See you in a few months, Noa Bean. Hugs and Kisses." I play on repeat. Again and again.

I miss them so much. My breathing subdues and it's then I go downstairs to drink some water. I look at the clock.

5:54 am.

Camp starts at 7: 35 for the toddlers. I needed to get up sooner or later. I finish my water, going up to get ready. I get in the shower, water running on top of my head. I didn't washing my hair till 15 minutes in.

I get out, feeling a windchill throughout my body. I get dressed, brushing out my hair to let it air dry. I pack my mini first aid kit and lunch. I usually get there before Bea because I own the camp. She usually comes in around 8 incase of any late kids.

Here we go. Day 2 of camp. I look at myself in the mirror before I leave. My eyes became puffy from my crying last night but there is nothing I can do at this point.