Biotanical [h.s]

Sinking

"Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe
Is that all you see in me?
Don't you wait for something more."
___

Noa

Once Harry had dropped me home, I wasn't sure how to even feel. I was for once flustered in a sexual way. I never thought I would have the hots for a father, yet he was so good to his daughter. But I can't seem to grasp letting go of River.

He abused me in every way but I clung to him like he was an addiction. I could never see past a day without him. And it's sad but it's the truest thing I have said to this day. In some ways he was my first in many things except love.

It was fake. All fake. He took me up in a vulnerable state and actually cared for me until he couldn't. Once I figured how to cope with the death of my parents, he stopped his act. He was continually trying to manipulate me. I wish a part of me left sooner, that way I wouldn't have had to endure all the pain I did. But I wouldn't have met Clem or Harry. Everything works out for some odd reason in the end. It's just the matter of trusting the process.

I open the door, and Moose sits there wagging his tail waiting for me. I loved him with everything I had. I had just adopted him when he was a baby and he was the cutest thing I've ever seen. I crouch down to scratch the back of his ears as he rolls over in pure happiness.

I call out for Bea but I give up knowing her and Kai are probably here right now, spending their one on one time with each other. I look at the fridge for anything light to eat but it was mostly vegan food for Bea.

I went to bed with my stomach churning. I flipped over and over. Again, I couldn't find a comfortable spot to just fall asleep. I got up to go to fridge again to get a glass of water and to take Alprazolam, which I was prescribed since the death of my parents. It's slowly working but I still am affected by nightmares of my parents dying or River hitting me. It always ends with me in a dark room crying until I wake up in a cold sweat.

I swallow the pills and sit on the couch. I decide to watch a house hunting show till my eyes start to droop. For some reason, that night I didn't sleep. I stayed up till 5:30 but in the end knew there was no point in trying to sleep. I did the same routine as yesterday.

Today, it was planting day. I wore a white tank top and a pair of green overalls. I put on my beat down rebooks, while I put my wet hair in two pigtail braids. I took a cutie orange for me to eat in the car before I set up for anything.

Right before I leave, I get a email through my phone. It was from Harry. He won't be picking Clem up for the next few days. All I can think of is that it's my fault. With what happened. It's going to be awkward and he chose not to pick her up. I can understand but a part of me really did want to see him again.

I didn't want to think too far ahead. I get into my car and drive off to the park where the sun and blue sky shine down through my windshield. I take the table out of my trunk and bring my bag where all my information is for the kids.

As yesterday, kids start coming in as early as 7. It was upsetting a little bit that I wasn't going to be seeing him for a few days. I had somewhat of a nice night after bickering with him back and forth.

Same as the past few days, Clem comes running up to me at a quarter to 8. I look up to Charlotte smiling at me as she signs her in. I see Clem jumping up in the air and I go to follow her where she puts her backpack.

"Hi Ms. Noa! We are planting today right?" I nod so excited to see her face. She also had a pair of overalls on, and looked like the cutest little munchkin. I held on to her hand as she looked at her one lavender plant. It was definitely growing and she squealed with excitement. I gathered everyone once the last of the kids signed in for the day, and I started to explain to them that today was planting day.