eilish tales - aunt billie!!

stage fright - 4

"billie wake up", i hear as my shoulders get shaken by someone trying to wake me up. i slowly open my eyes to see my mom standing in front of me. 

"honey its 12:00 what are you doing?", she says. i roll around in my small bunk trying to wake myself up. 

"sorry i didnt get to sleep until like 4am because i was worrying about olive. do you know how shes doing?", i say to my mom, whos now sitting on the edge of my bed. 

"claudia called this morning and said that she was doing okay but theyre gonna have to keep her for another night. theyre hoping to get her discharged tomorrow though", she says. 

once again, the all too familiar feeling of worry fills my body. shes now been in the hospital for 5 days because they had some complications after her surgery. the doctors told us shed only be staying for 1 night, so its safe to say im filled with concern. 

"but shes gonna miss the show tonight", i say frowning. "i know baby, but its not like she would be able to come anyway, she just had a major surgery my love", my mom says, stroking my hair out of my face. 

"can we move the show tonight then?", i say. i know im being selfish but there are many reasons why i asked olive to come on this tour with me, and it would feel weird to not have her here for the opening show. 

"billie you know we cant do that im sorry my love", she says frowning. i sigh in response and bury my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes. "do you have more energy today?", she asks. 

"yeah a little", i respond, as i start to get out of bed. 

after i get out of bed, seeing that everyone is already awake and started their day, i decide to skip breakfast and get ready instead. 

choosing my outfit is easy on tour, as i only have limited options, so i choose a pair of huge jeans with a belt, and then a basketball jersey thing of some sort. 

___

30 minutes later we leave the tour bus to start sound check, and get set up in the venue. the crew has already set up the stage and gotten the venue ready, so soundcheck is planned for 2pm. 

when its time for soundcheck, an anxious feeling fills my stomach thats never been there before. i guess not having olive here is really taking a toll on me. of course, finneas has also been affected by what happened to olive, and although we both wish we could be at the hospital with her, were here instead doing a show which feels so silly. 

the hours leading up to the show feel like days, each one dragging on and on, and everyone seems to be worried by my unease. its probably valid that theyre worried because apart from in my soundcheck i havent spoken a word since we arrived, and everyones tried to check up on me but im just not in the mood. 

8pm rolls around and its finally time to start the show. to say ive never felt this nervous before is an understatement. i dont know what it is but missing someone you love more than life itself, is like having a hole inside you thats impossible to fill. 

the opening song is 'bury a friend', and as i spring out of the box under the stage for the first time, i see everyones excited and shocked faces. 

the songs dont hit the same today, and although i try to put on a good show for the audience, im distracted by my strong feelings. 

im distracted so much so that during idwbya, i start to get emotional. my heart is already racing but even the thought of olive in a hospital bed seems to bring me to tears. 

finneas pov

todays show, the first of this tour for 'happier than ever', feels weird. i can tell billie has been in a weird mood all day, and so have i. olive being in the hospital has really affected everyone, and billie in particular is super panicked about it. 

in the middle of 'idontwannabeyounaymore', billie starts moving up the ramp on stage towards me, and i immediately know somethings up, because we hadn't planned for her to do this, and shes very particular about the whole shows logistics. 

as she comes closer, i see her eyes filled with tears, that shes so desperately trying to hold back. thank god were near the end of the song, because after the last few words are sung, she turns around to face the back of the stage and bursts into tears. 

i walk over to her and pull her into hug, swaying her in my arms. "billie shes gonna be okay, just try to focus on the show", i say, as i pull out of the hug. her back is still faced to the audience as she tries her best to wipe her tears away but they just keep falling and my heart aches for her. 

she nods her head and looks down at her shoes, shaking away her feelings. "can we do 'your power' next?", she says. 

i nod in response, and gently rub her shoulder as she walks to the middle of the stage to sit down on a stool. they bring us the guitars, and before she starts the song she says a few words. 

"uhm, hi guys", she says sadly. "im sorry im so emotional, but shits been happening and its safe to say i did not expect the tour to start like this", she holds back a new flood of tears, and takes a deep breath, letting out a short giggle. 

"i wanna dedicate this song to my little niece. shes not so little anymore shes 13, but i love her with my whole heart, and this is her favourite song of mine", she says, as she starts playing. i join her in the chords, and she puts everything into the song. 

once its over the crowd cheers louder than ive ever heard before. 

__

the rest of the show seems to go by much faster, and i can tell that billies song for olive cheered her up a bit. 

as we leave the stage, billie runs off and straight into her greenroom without saying a word to anyone. usually we left her have some space for a few minutes, but im worried today and i follow her in. 

"billie?", i say into the quiet room. i find sitting in a corner with her knees up to her chest, sobbing. she looks up at me with tired, red eyes. 

"that was the worst show ever. i just want olive to come back", she says in between sobs. 

i run over to her and sit down next to her, pulling her against my chest. 

"she will be okay i promise. do you want to go see her?", i say. 

she nods her head eagerly and we walk out to all the crew, deciding collectively to all go visit olive. 

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