STRAY KIDS {StrayKids 9th member}

Am I in too deep (rewrite)

This is a rewrite of my other chapter, 'Accept it' as I read it yesterday, and I realised how bad it was.

Era: Five Star

Vini's age at the time: 12

(Vini will be referred to as Hyejin the entire story)

TW: Self-harm, swearing, name-calling
___________________________________________

《9pm》

Hyejin's pov:

I'm lying down on my bed, face up staring at the ceiling. My thoughts were running wild tonight; I've been getting a lot of hate recently after S-Class was released.

Some people said I was being sloppy, others said that my vocals were somehow worse than they already are, some telling me that I don't deserve to exist, others were telling me i look fatter than an elephant. and a lot of people calling me names such as slut, and whore. Fans also said I don't deserve to be part of the wonderful thing that is stray kids, saying i drag them down.

I've tried so hard to please these people though, but it never worked, I try and try and try but they're never happy. I work eighteen hours a day. I barely get any sleep. but still, they're unhappy when I give them my best.

No matter how much I overwork myself, I will never be enough, will I? I will always be lacking, whether it's looks, dance, vocals, rap, behaviour, anything really.
Nothing could satisfy them. Nothing could satisfy stays.

I won't ever be able to be proud of myself for what I've done in this stupid, worthless life, will I? I won't ever make others proud of me for what I have achieved, not my stupid family, not my stupid members, not these stupid fans. I'm undeserving, I'm a whore, I'm a slut, I'm a lazy bitch who leaches off of her members' fame. That is what I am.

I cant do this for much longer. I'm hanging on a string, swinging between life and death, the arm I'm holding on with is getting more sore each day. I want to let go but... I'm scared, I want to die but I don't. This is all so weird to me. I hate it.

I want to be relieved of this pain, I want to let go of all this hate that has been grabbing onto me for the past five miserable years.

What i want is to do something that I've done before, something my members would disapprove of, but they aren't even here, they don't know what i do, so why would they care? After all, I'm just a worthless peice of shit.

I can't take laying here any longer.

I want to do it, I have to do it.

I get off of my bed and open the bottom drawer of my nightstand, taking out a sharp metal blade.

I close the drawer and immediately start walking to my bathroom. I get into the bathtub, taking off my pants, leaving me in only a t-shirt and underwear, revealing my old scars, reminding me of everything I've been through over the years.

I hold the blade in my hand, shaking. I held it over my right leg as I took
a deep breath...

I cut deep into my skin, exhaling as I felt the pain slowly washing away as warm blood slowly trickled down my cold pale legs.

It felt nice. I want more.

I continue to taint my thighs, peircing the thick layers of skin. Making more and more deep cuts, until tiny little puddles of blood were scattered beneath me.

Yet somehow, after all this cutting...

I still feel pain. Is it finally getting to me? Is all the slander becoming too much?

No, that can't be. Cutting always worked, it can't stop now, can it? Maybe, just maybe, a few more cuts will help. Just a few more, only until I'm satisfied. Yeah, more is good, very good.