Becoming His Fix

40

Kit's POV

I couldn't help but fidget as I sat at Andrew's desk. It had been a while since I had been so nervous sitting in a therapist's office but I knew I was in for a shitty session when the only greeting I got from the man in front of me was a small, guilty smile.

"Well, get it over with I guess. What are we talking about?"

"So, when a student only has a month or so left at camp we have to talk about the future. We could put it off for another session or two but we really need to get things moving in the right direction. Do you want to try it today or do you think you need more time?"

"We can try I guess. I don't know much of anything though. I haven't thought about it since rehab."


"Well let's start there. What plan did you have for your life there?"

"Not much. Just that I want to move in with them. Help keep us all clean and accountable."

"Okay, so that's how many bedrooms?"

"Four I guess. Two if we have to though. We used to share rooms back then so we could do it again. But I don't have enough money for a security deposit or anything. I doubt they do either since most of them went to foster care or group homes after their program." His pen moved across a piece of paper on top of my folder as he nodded.

"I'll see what I can do about that. We send all of our campers to an apartment building that is owned by a camp graduate. He gives us a deal on rent and deposits so it shouldn't be a problem. Since we are starting so early, hopefully before other cabins, we should get the best pick so far. Hopefully, he has a four-bedroom left." I nodded, already feeling better about this. "What about school? Do you want to go to college or would you rather find a job?"

"I don't even know what I would go to college for," I said with a shrug. "I haven't really had a chance to think about that. Between getting clean, moving here, trying to keep my grades up; there hasn't been time to think about the future."

"That's not a bad thing, focusing on mental and physical health is more important than college. What about a gap year? I can help you get a job somewhere and then next fall we can talk about college again."

A weight lifts off my chest. I had thought I would be tossed out of camp without a second thought and just have to figure out everything by myself but this small thing meant the world to me at this point. I would have an apartment and a job and in a year, Roland would graduate and I would move into his house and everything before that would be a distant memory.

"Yeah," I said trying to keep the tears out of my eyes. "That sounds great."

"Why do you sound like you are about to cry?" At that, I do start crying. My hands covered my face as I tried to wipe away a few tears that dripped down my cheeks.

"It's almost over," I managed to get out. "I have been waiting for the day that this whole nightmare would be over and it's almost here. I don't have parents but at least I won't have to deal with foster care anymore. I've been through rehab but it's over and I will never touch heroin again. I've been fighting the odds since the second a social worker showed up at school to pick me up and it's finally almost over." I smiled despite the tears still streaming down my face.

"It's almost over," Andrew confirms with a smile of his own. "I won't say that life will be easier once you leave camp, life will always be hard; there will always be ups and downs but the hard part is over." I sobbed into my hands as relief filled my body. It coursed through me like a live current of electricity. I could feel it pulsing in me and I never wanted this feeling to leave.

"Everything is going to be perfect." Andrew smiled and waited for the tears to stop falling.

"Is there anything you're worried about? I know Roland was a big fear for a while."

"Roland is going to be okay," I said with a shake of my head. "He told you about the fence so he's safe now. He will have his cars, and you and Mary to look after him when I can't. We're going to get to talk to each other once a week and he's trying to make new friends. He's going to be okay."

"He will," Andrew agrees. "I won't let him get bad again. So if you aren't scared for him is there anything you are worried about?"

"Relapses," I said with a shrug as if it were no big deal. Andrew frowned at the way I bought it up. "Rehab made it clear that once you're an addict, you will always be tempted. You will always know what it feels like, you'll always know it exists. I don't want to go back to that. I have things to live for now. Roland would never forgive me if I had to go back to rehab and have to cut contact with him to go back through the program."

"I think he would be upset but this isn't about Roland right now. I need you to understand that. It's important to have a support system but that system can't be the only reason you stay away from bad habits. If you only do this for him then what happens if one day you have a fight and he says he never wants to see you again? You need to put yourself first in this situation. Regardless, we can continue to have sessions even after you leave. I do it for a lot of kids at camp, some times we only go for a few months to help with adjustment but sometimes it goes on for longer, some kids prefer to go complete no contact after they leave camp. It is completely up to you. If you want to, we will continue our sessions and we can talk about any struggles you have."

"Please. Please do that. I can't go back to rehab. I refuse to do it. I wasted so much time there the first time. I refuse to waste that time again." Andrew smiled as he wrote something else down on his sheet of paper.

"Do you want to do once a week, twice a month, or once a month?"

"Twice a month," I said, praying I would be able to make it those two weeks in between sessions.

"Alright, and once you get a phone please don't hesitate to call me if you need me. I'm not an emergency hotline and I ask that if you don't get a hold of me within the first few tries you do try a hotline. I am also willing to do emergency sessions if you just need someone to talk to before our next session. I won't have many kids next year since I will just have Roland and one other cabin so my schedule will be pretty open."

The relief didn't lessen as I took in his words. This was going to be okay. I could do this.

"Thank you," I managed to squeeze out, more tears threatening to spill over my water line. "Thank you for trying so hard to help us. I'm sure you don't hear it enough but hell Andrew, thank you."

Andrew's hand shakes as he covers his mouth, a single tear running down his face. The two of us cried. For the rest of our time, we cried, my small hiccuped sobs of relief and his few stray tears.

It felt so nice. I would miss this place, I would miss the people, I would miss everything so much. But I couldn't stay forever and my time was almost up so I sat here, in front of the man who has showed me nothing but compassion, and I cried.