Exquisite

Chapter 1

Dad insisted on driving down to college with me, when I moved into the dorms. Him in his car, me in mine. I didn't want him to. I wanted college to feel like a completely dad-free zone. Having seen him in my new room would make it feel like less of a new start- less of an escape.
It was a miracle he was even letting me go to college. But I worked really hard and got a scholarship, saved up every penny from my job to afford it- it would make him look bad if he stopped me. People would ask questions. And image was everything.
I got to the campus car park a few minutes before him. The drive had been glorious- a whole three hours alone, listening to my own music, picturing how different life was going to be now. But now that I was here, my heart was pounding. I closed my eyes, leaning back in my seat, breathing deeply.
I was roused by dad opening the door.
"What're you doing?" He snapped.
"Nothing," I said quickly, "Sorry."
"You were speeding, on the highway. You wanna crash the goddamn car?"
"Oh, I... sorry."
Enrolment and collecting the keys and whatnot were relatively pain-free; dad didn't say much. Then it was time to take my boxes up to the room. I hoped and prayed in my mind that whoever my roommate was wouldn't have arrived yet. If dad was there when we met I wouldn't have a hope in hell of being normal.
To my dismay, there was a girl already in the room. Her bed was piled high with boxes, and she knelt on the floor, rummaging through them, her glasses holding her shoulder-length,  dark hair away from her face.
She stood up, stretching, when I stepped through the door.
"Hey, nice to meet you. Jen. Jennifer. Whatever."  She held out her hand and I shook it nervously. Her fingernails were painted a deep shade of electric blue.
Oh god. She was so... cool. She just wore grey sweats and a white tank, but she made it look effortlessly good. Her eyes were lined with black, and she had lots of little rings and studs all over her ears. Her frame was athletic and somewhat muscular, her aura an intriguing amalgamation of masculine and feminine. She exuded calmness and confidence. I felt so ridiculous in my prim knee length skirt and cardigan, my carrot-coloured curls braided down my back.
"I'm Grace." I tried to smile, desperate not to seem as awkward as I felt.
Dad dumped a box on my bed and looked Jen up and down. Please, God, don't let him say anything bad. He raised his eyebrows, looking at the posters she had taped above her bed- some rock bands I hadn't heard of.
Then he looked at me.
"We're getting you a different room."
"What?" I frowned.
"This isn't appropriate for you."
"Why?"
Jen was staring at us, wide-eyed.
"I don't want to be sat at home worried about what you're getting up to- who you're associating yourself with. This just won't work. I mean... the posters, the-"
"Dad, it's fine," I hissed, my face scarlet.
Jen raised her eyebrows, hands on hips.
"It's not!"
"I can take the posters down," Jen spoke up, "If it matters that much."
"No!" I blurted out, "You don't have to... I... it's fine! Dad, they don't just let you switch rooms. You have to like, apply and stuff. I'll be fine right here."
I didn't know if that was true, but it seemed to shut him up.
We brought up the rest of my boxes with him in icy silence. Normally, silence like this meant an explosion was imminent. But he probably wouldn't do that with other people watching, and the halls and car park were busy. By the time we brought up the last box, Jen had taken down her posters.
Dad nodded at the empty wall, somewhat approving. The atmosphere was dense and tight and so uncomfortable.
"I'm gonna go use the bathroom," Jen announced, "Let you say your goodbyes."
As soon as she left, dad turned to me.
"Look at me," he hissed, grabbing my chin and angling it towards him, "Don't you start thinking that since you're away from home you can start getting stupid ideas in your head. Acting up. Doing whatever you like. You break my rules and I'll know. Don't you doubt that for a second, lil girl. You hear?"
I nodded fearfully.
He ran his hand down the side of my body, feeling the curve of my waist, then leaned in and kissed my cheek, breathing in deeply.
"I'm gonna miss you, baby."
I tried not to shudder, "I'll miss you too, daddy."
"Remember," he squeezed my shoulders tightly, "You're mine. Always. You're always daddy's little girl."
I nodded, avoiding his gaze.
"Where's your bible?" He checked.
"Backpack," I mumbled.
"Good girl."
He kissed me again, then left.
I breathed the heaviest sigh of relief. It didn't feel real.
When Jen came back, I had started unpacking.
"Wow, your dad sure is... something," she snorted.
"I'm so sorry," I cringed, "You could put the posters back up, now he's gone."
"I was planning on it," she winked.
My stuff looked so boring as I unpacked it. There wasn't much of it, either, so it didn't take long. My guitar was really the only thing that made that side of the room look like mine. Jen looked over at my bed when I was done.
"Wow... you really made it your own, huh?"
I sighed and sat on the bed.
She had put more posters and stuff up on the wall. One caught my attention.
"Oh, I love Fleetwood Mac," I blurted out wistfully.
"Huh?" She said absent-mindedly, stuffing her pillow into a case.
"Uh, the poster," I said awkwardly, "That's... they're my favourite."
"Oh, cool. I love 'em too."
"Um... what's your major?" I desperately wanted to make some kind of conversation- show her I was normal.
"English lit."
"Me too!" I said, a little too excitedly.
She chuckled a little. I blushed.
"You think you'll go to any parties tonight?" She asked, "There's so much going on."
"Uh..."
I desperately wanted to. I really did. But dad's words were echoing in my ears- you break my rules, and I'll know. I knew he couldn't possibly actually know what I was doing, yet he always seemed to manage it. And I wouldn't have anything cool to wear anyway. I'd probably just embarrass myself. No- better to just keep my head down.
"Maybe not tonight," I said sadly.
"Suit yourself," she shrugged.
So I stayed in. I was still wistful at the thought of going out, but I had to admit, a night to myself was paradise. I read in peace. I didn't have dad yelling or hitting or touching. I was cosy, calm, safe.
I really wanted Jen to like me. She was so... so... different. She seemed like nothing could throw her, like she wouldn't ever be scared or nervous or awkward. And God, she looked so damn cool. I'd give anything to be like that. But I just... wasn't.
I woke up during the night to footsteps and hushed giggles. She had brought someone back.
"What about your roommate?" A female voice said, "She'll hear."
"Don't worry about that baby," said Jen's voice, mumbling, like it was said through kisses, "Honestly, she seems like such a frigid bitch she probably won't even know what she's hearing."
My heart sank. Frigid bitch? Was that the impression I gave? My eyes stung with tears as I heard the bed springs start to creak. I clamped my hands over my ears, but I could still hear their stifled moaning. God, dad would have a field day if he knew about this.
Surely she must know I could hear everything- no one slept that deeply. I tried not to move. Making my awareness known would only make this even more awkward.
Eventually they stopped. The other girl left. I managed to drift back to sleep.
Jen was still asleep when I woke up. She hadn't taken off her makeup, so her eyeliner was smudged around her eyes. I should be mad at her for what she called me. And I was. But I was also sad. And embarrassed. And I still desperately wanted her to like me.
When I came back to the room after showering and getting breakfast, she was awake, scrolling through her phone. She glanced up as I entered.
"Did you... have a nice night?" I said.
She shrugged, "Yeah. You?"
I nodded.
"Did I wake you up when I came in?"
"... Yeah."
She made a face, "Oops."
My face must have been more revealing than I intended, because she frowned.
"What? Are you pissed?"
I shook my head.
"Look, I'm sorry. But it's kind of what happens in college," she sighed.
"I know." I didn't know.
"Then what is it?"
"Nothing."
"Is it because it was a girl?" She sat up, her voice defensive, "Is that the issue?"
"No! Of course not! You just... well... I... I heard everything," I bit my lip.
"Well, I know that now."
"Yeah but... you were talking, too... you know... about me?"
She looked confused. I could see her racking her brain, trying to remember. Then it dawned on her.
"Oh," she looked at me, "Shit."
I shrugged.
"Sorry."
"It's fine."
I don't think I was that convincing.