Twitching, Ticking - TYDE

Thinkings

Hey y'all I'm writing on my school Chromebook instead of doing my math :3

Be happy with this lol (I'm probably finishing this on phone later so yah)

Clyde's POV - His Bedroom

I can't even look at him anymore. It's too spiting. It spites my ego, and I have a VERY high ego. I haven't told anything to anyone, not even Craig. Each time I've talked to him, sweat has ran down my back while he was talking about his latest hookup. The familiar smell of eggs in his house doesn't comfort me anymore. Not is it back until I've figured all of this out.

Also, my ego? Destroyed. No dignity left. All I can think about is Tolkien. He's in my way of thinking.. It makes me mad. But not like usual, he usually destroys everything, and that makes we want to fight him. Right now he's just making me want to kiss him.

But, I'm not gay? I don't want to be..

Maybe you're just scared of your reputation?

I don't want to think about that. But that's the point, isn't it? You need to figure it out Clyde. Fine, okay, my reputation.. I guess it's important. I care about it, a lot.. I would say I rely on it. Being gay.. It would.. I don't wanna say ruin it,.. It didn't for Craig, it got him even more people simping on him. But even so, I'm not sure what I am.

I pull my Chromebook out from under my bed, and pull up google. I spend at least 10 minutes looking up LGBTQ+, flags, and meanings of sexuality. Each passing minute makes me want to vomit. This feels so wrong.. I feel disgusting. I need to accept myself, what am I so scared of?

I haven't even thought about it myself, I'm way too stressed. I like.. Obviously, I like men. I think-? Does Tolkien prove that? Yeah, yeah he does. Do I like girls? Bebe.. Is Bebe attractive? Yeah, she's definitely hot. But that night at the graveyard, I really didn't care of losing her. So do I like women? I've dated the most.. Never really had romantic feelings for one, but I have fucked some. I did enjoy the sex, but there wasn't much else. Is the idea of liking girls appealing and comfortable for me? I think so. I think I could be in a serious relationship with a girl. Bebe is the farrest i've gotten, though. But, I feel like the idea of being in a serious relationship with a man is more appealing and more natural for me.

"having a preference but liking both genders" I type the words quickly. A lot about "Bisexuality" and "Omnisexuality" pops up.

"Bisexuality is liking both genders with or without a preference, the flag consists of blue, purple, and pink, the blue resembling-" I keep on reading till something catches my eye. "Liking both genders is often hard to figure out, but that is why Bisexuality exists. It is a mixture of both versions Pansexual (Liking all genders with no preference), and Omnisexual (Liking all genders with a preference, it could be feminine, masculine, non-binary presenting, etc), and it exists for people inbetween who want something that's more fitting and comfortable for them, so they choose to be Bisexual cause preference can change all the time, and they feel more comfortable with both, instead of having a preference or not."

I feel my heart fasten, and become warmer. I relate to this problem. So, can you be Bisexual with a preference that switches around, but isn't always fitting? So I can say I have a preference, but not be completely sure, and that's what Bisexuality shows?

"How your preference is, is how you feel it is like, and what you feel comfortable in."

I think, I'm ready. I think that's what's fitting to me. Bisexual with a preference for men. Yeah, I feel comfortable in that. There's obviously more problems I need to figure out.. But i'm comfortable as a he/they, with no sexual oritentation, and by that I mean i'm not on no spectrum for aroace, and things like that. I've also come across abrosexuality, and I feel like that's not me. Gender? I'm definitely comfortable as a guy. Yeah, Bisexual with a preference for men. About the he/they thing, I just wouldn't mind getting called they. It actually makes me happy thinking about it.

Now to come out to Tolkien.. What if he doesn't support me? Clyde, he's literally gay. Still, he might be one of those gay transphobic people! Don't overthink it. I'm going soft..

No, figuring out your sexuality is not soft, nor is having a vulnerable moment.

He'll support me..

Tolkien's POV - His Bedroom

I can't figure it out. It's 3AM, and all I can think about is Clyde's fucking lips, his warm cheeks, his straight body, his perfectly washed brown hair, his red jacket.. His beautiful brown eyes.. I'm gonna make him mine, if it's the last thing I do.

I find myself sweating, with my hands up at my mouth, squealing. He's perfect..

Seriously though, I need to sort out all of this. It's not THAT confusing.. I like men. Okay. And I don't feel like I like women. I have never had a crush on one, or had any romantic attraction towards one. Fuck, I don't even remember thinking a women is hot. No wonder The Rock was my childhood 'crush', though I never called it that. Didn't understand it at the time, Old parents, classically pushing heterosexuality onto children.

I feel comfortable as a gay man.. Plus, the gay flag is so badass. He/him fits right.. I'm actually already quite experienced in shit like this. though neopronouns don't seem that bad. I mean, being called 'vamp' or some shit sounds cool. The same with xenopronouns. So yeah.. Any pronouns but she/her fits right with me. Yeah, I like that.

Fuck, this was easy as shit yo?

Being in an open relationship with Clyde's seems nice to me.. But if he wants to hide anything or try to cover it up, it'll make me sad.. So, I don't really know.. I'm not going to force him to anything, and if he wants to be a secret couple, then we'll be fully private. Nothing in public. I hope that'll make him more comfortable, till he wants to be open.. If he does. He might be super open to the idea.

But what if he doesn't want it at all? What if he's rejecting being gay? I feel my stress level fueling itself, and I turn my head around rapidly. Forget that idea, Tolkien.

I turn over to my night stand, grabbing my phone. I decide to scroll on tiktok a little, just as a little distraction.

Every single video, the thought of him only grew. I should go to sleep.

I've made up my mind, I need to confess properly to him.

Also, I kinda wanna dick him down right now. Just saying.