Not So Broken (West Coast College Book 3)

Chapter 19

Thu, Apr 4 at 9:43 AM
Found one of your old hockey sweaters in a box from home.
Mom must have put it in there accidently when they kicked me out.
Better come down and get it before I spill shit all over it.

Tue, Apr 9 at 7:39 PM
Connor texted today.
Not sure why.
Could you tell him to stop? Thanks.

Sat, Apr 13 at 11:52 AM
Nationals are tomorrow.
You better watch us kick ass.
You have the best seat in the house so no fucking excuses, okay?

Mon, Apr 15 at 8:20 AM
He's amazing, A.
You would really like him.
He kicked our parents ass.
See? Already have something in common.

Today 8:00
Why did it have to be you?
Happy fucking 24th birthday.
Get wasted for me, yeah?
'Cuz that's what I'll be doing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ava

I pocket my phone, smiling weakly up at the waitress when she places our food on the table.

Me and the girls are at Shaw's tonight and it seems we're all in the mood to get wasted with Allie as our designated sober so we don't do anything stupid.

God, I love Allie. She literally walked through the bar with a gas station slushie in hand. And Shaw approved of it with a nod. Such a fucking queen.

I've already downed a shot, holding off the rest for later until after I eat. Maeve and Kyla have a different approach.

I invited Tatum but she's blocked out everyone for the day. This happens every year. On his birthday, the day of the accident, the day we think he was buried along with every other major holiday.

I was already spiraling today since I can't get the fuck out of my head. And I wasn't going to spiral even more until I forgot it was his birthday.

I forgot my own brothers fucking birthday.

It wasn't until I kept seeing all these memorial birthday posts from all the major hockey accounts on Instagram-including the NHL-that I remembered.

And I know the exact reason why I forgot. The exact reason it slipped my mind.

Cameron.

I-I've been so happy lately, especially with him around. The morning after Nationals, he took one of my books I had laying around and asked for another one the next morning.

Few days ago, he asked me to teach him how to make muffins. Fucking muffins. I haven't been able to yet since he's been busy with away games down in the States. They got back this evening.

Hell, he was even sending me little sticky notes for class. From fucking Michigan.

It might seem simple, so fucking simple, but all those little moments of happiness with Cameron has me feeling things I don't want to feel.

Stupid fucking feelings. Always getting in the fucking way of everything.

God, I better not start crying. I feel like that's all I've been doing lately. Cry.

I down two more shots. Maeve looks at me with a raised eyebrow but doesn't say anything. Allie smiles sadly like she can see the war going on in my head.

Fuck, I should've taken my medication. I have it sitting in the back of my sock drawer at home but I haven't thought about it for years.

But as the night goes on, I feel my body loosen up and even though everything vibrates around me, I smile.

I've lost count of how many shots I've had of whatever the fuck I could find.

Kyla drags me onto the small dance floor when karaoke hour starts. Allie goes up there once and sings, a genuine smile on her face when she does. Her right dimple pops.

My ears throb with pain but I can't figure out how to take my hearing aids off suddenly. I laugh because it's such a simple task.

I wobble. Dance some more. Shake my ass. Ignore my foggy vision. Ignore the pain in my head. In my fucking heart.

My hand comes up to my hair. Tugging. Twisting.

Why you? Why did it have to be you?!

Should have been me. Then my parents would be happy. Connor would still be a brother to someone. Just not me.

I wish it was Connor. Not always but sometimes. Like right now.

I don't even know who he is anymore. Connor could have a girlfriend or kids and I would never know-that is if he continues to ignore the living shit out of me.

I miss my brothers. Both of them. My chest squeezes.

Why you? Why?

You destroyed our family! You did that! You left me. You left your little sister behind! You left her to try and hold us together.

How fucking dare you. I wish Connor had died right along with you. He's worth more to me dead than alive at this point.

I blink. Do I really mean that? I think. And think. Think some more. As much as I wish I didn't, I think I do.

I think I really do mean it. He's worth more to me dead than alive.

Shivers rack my body. When did it get so cold? I rub my arms. My teeth chatter.

Someone grabs my shoulder but I shrug them off weakly, mumbling that I need a beer.

They grab me again but with force, spinning me around so I collide with a fucking wall. I bang my head against it. Just trying to forget.

"Ava. Ava. Ava, look at me."

When I do finally look up, I realize the wall I was just bashing my head against was actually this man's chest. He looks oddly familiar.

Blonde hair so dark it's almost brown, falling over blue eyes-or are they green? Can't tell. Jawline as sharp as my skate blades catches my attention and I reach out, stroking softly.

He's tall. Not as tall as the man beside him who looks like a fucking vicious teddy bear-he looks familiar as well.

"Sunshine? Holy shit, how much has she had to drink?"

It's Cam! Cameron! I lean against him more, his arms coming around to secure my lower back. My eyes close.

"I'm sorry. I don't know. She kept sneaking off. But I called you after her fourth. She doesn't look good." Allie says but it's background noise.

"For fucks sake. I asked you to watch her, Allie. You're the only one who doesn't drink." Cameron mumbles. I watch Allie straighten, eyes narrowing.

"Fuck you, Cam. I did watch her. I followed her around so she wouldn't continue snatching drinks off tables or tumble to the ground. Maeve and Kyla are also here but I don't see you yelling at them." Allie snaps, crossing her arms over her chest.

My eyes widen. I've never seen her get so mad. Even Cameron looks shocked, guilt over his face.

"I'll see you later. If you remember, text me when you feel better." Allie whispers to me, squeezing my hand before she gives Cameron the finger as she turns to leave. I laugh.

Noah- holy shit, did I seriously call him a vicious teddy bear?-snorts, watching Allie closely as she weaves through the crowd of people, saying something to Maeve and Kyla who are by Rhys and Seth.

Noah claps Cameron's back. "Have fun. Ava, I would suggest you swallow an entire lake at this point. There's no way you're curing that hangover."

Everything is blurry suddenly and a giggle slips through. I pat Cameron's cheek. "Let's go home, shall we? I have a new vibrator at home that's calling my name."