Symphony of Shadows

14. Lamentation

Song for the chapter: Crybaby- Melanie Martinez

"Hi-hiccup?"

Shit, Hiccup cursed himself for being so careless, of course Astrid would recognize him. It did bruise his ego that he apparently still resembled the helpless whelp from over five years ago, but that was the least of his problems. He had gotten caught up in what started as a clever interrogation into a fearful reveal: he was being hunted. Not just by anyone, but by his childhood crush. Oh how the Gods hated him. How had he responded to this news? By offering his hunter help to mutilate a man. Brilliant, Hiccup, he thought, just brilliant.

But how could he leave her there alone? She was clearly more than capable to keep herself safe, but he also knew how damaging solitude was. So, he reverted back to his younger self and offered to help her, because what could go wrong? Well, everything. Hiccup had seen the smile drop from her face, her eyes squint to scrutinize his face, and realized his grave mistake. Yet, he hadn't expected her to recognize him so quickly, which made him feel as if he hadn't been so inconsequential at Berk. At the sound of his name from her lips, it had taken all of his strength not to fall to his knees, the years of solitude and instability had come crashing down on him in a mere seconds. Hearing Astrid hear his name had stopped his heart, stolen his breath, and paralyzed his limbs all at the same time. He had experience a similar effect when he had first seen her in the dark, but had the comfort of anonymity to shield his shock.

Right after leaving Berk, he had felt suffocated from the true solitude he was in, even regretting his choice to escape for a couple of seconds. However, he found that lying to himself was an effective solution, and eventually believed the lies that he told himself over and over again. Hiccup had Toothless but deep down, he knew it wasn't the same. His soul yearned for a mate, an equal to share his life and his future with and someone who would love Toothless as much as Hiccup did. After Lyra, he had shut down any such desires, pouring his efforts into finding a way to break the control the Read Death had over the dragons, which had eventually worked. Then, he had been so preoccupied by taking care of the flock and eventually seeking revenge on his rotten village, so yes, Hiccup had been rather busy.

He realized he had been standing and gawking at Astrid without replying for what felt like decades, so he carefully crafted his response.
"Yes?"
Astrid continued to stare at him as if she had seen the ghost of Old Wrinkly, but Hiccup reasoned she was technically seeing a ghost.
"But-but you were dead, we saw your bones. Everyone knows you were eaten by a dragon, there's-there's no way, how are you here?"
She reached out her hand and to his surprise started to pat down his chest, seemingly verifying that he was in face real and not just a hallucination. She had dropped her knife long ago, yet Hiccup couldn't deny the rush that came over him at Astrid's touch.

He was rudely disrupted from what had to be a dream when all of a sudden he was being shoved against the wall with an arm pressed against his throat. In his delusions of grandeur, Hiccup had conveniently forgotten who exactly Astrid was: a cold-hearted killer.
He held his palms up in surrender, his eyes widening at his new precarious situation.
"It's not what it looks like, you wouldn't understand."
"Well make me understand. Where the hells have you been? For five years? How could you have stayed away for so long? Do you know how much we mourned you? I mourned you?"
Hiccup was trying to push back against her but it was no use, so he decided to try a different angle. "You'll have to let me go first, you're-you're pressing a little too hard."
"Fine, but you better start talking." Astrid loosened her grip slightly but still had the upper hand, however he was now able to talk without suffocating.
He inhaled deeply, partially to regain consciousness and partially to give him confidence to tell his story. Obviously he would need to modify the true course of events, censoring the whole befriending dragons part and meeting Toothless, but he could certainly sell it.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to live on that godsforsaken island? The amount of misery I suffered daily? Being told I was nothing but a screwup, that I was different in a bad way, constantly being told I needed to change? For fifteen miserable years that was all I heard. I was body shamed by pretty much everyone in the village, even my own father. Do you know what that does to someone?" Hiccup felt his breath come out in a rush and his hands were waving around, communicating his points. He was now caught up in his ramble and becoming increasingly upset by having to relive the life he left in the past. Astrid was clearly dumbfounded at his confession and it only fueled his rant.
"Of course you don't. You're perfect Astrid who everyone loves and worships because you were born a warrior queen. Did you ever think about anyone but yourself? While you were throwing axes in the woods, do you know what I was doing? Trying to be the model viking, trying to make friends, trying to be good enough. Good enough for the village, good enough for my dad. But I never was good enough. I was ostracized for being Hiccup, Astrid. And then when I started to improve at Dragon Training, all of a sudden, everyone wanted to be my friend. Do you know what made it so much worse? I was cheating. The whole time I had been studying dragons, seeing how they behaved in the wild so I could use it in dragon training. I even managed to kill a Gronckle and a Deadly Nadder on my own, but no one would listen to Hiccup the fishbone, so I kept it to myself."
Astrid's brows furrowed and her eyes softened at his admission but didn't interrupt him so he continued.
"They all started to like me, but it was only because I was lying. Even my own," Hiccup's voice faltered as his eyes watered, "my own father only told me he was proud because I was living a lie. The only time he had ever told me that he was proud of me as a son was when I wasn't really his son, when I was pretending to be someone else."
"I would go to sleep sobbing and asking why the Gods hated me. Hells, the girl I had the biggest crush on for years also hated me. Even after I improved in dragon training she still despised me, probably even more after the fact."
"Who was she?" Astrid whispered.

All these years. All these years and this godsdamned woman still didn't know how he had worshipped the ground on which she walked on?
Hiccup turned away wistfully but then murmured, "It was you..."
"What?"
"It was you okay! I pined over you for years! But you didn't even notice. I don't blame you, you weren't the only one who saw me as a pathetic excuse for a viking."
Emotions clearly warring on her face, Astrid sputtered, "No I didn't-"
Hiccup wouldn't take any of her pity. "It's okay you don't have to lie to me. It's all in the past. But I knew I had to leave when I was chosen by Gothi to kill that Monstrous Nightmare, I couldn't keep living a lie. I almost considered just letting the dragon eat me, but then I decided I had to make my escape my revenge. I found bones in a Nadder's den, pissed off a wild Monstrous Nightmare, and planted the skeleton in the forest. I figured I would at least make Berk shed a tear and regret how badly they treated me. Satisfied?"

Hiccup felt the sting of tears in his eyes but refused to shed a tear over what had happened to him. He wouldn't let them hold that power over him. Astrid was clearly rendered speechless at his soliloquy, and he felt pride for owning his truth, or at least part of it.

"I...I don't know what to say." She released Hiccup and grasped his hand, bending her knees to make eye contact with his downcast gaze.
"I'm so sorry I should have realized what you were going through. You're right. I was selfish. I was too wrapped up on trying to be the 'warrior of our generation' that I just sat and watched as everyone turned against you."
"It's not your fault-"
"No it is, Hiccup. I heard the insults Snotlout threw at you, the offhanded comments made by the twins, I should've stood up for you. Trust me, this guilt I have of my inaction has weighed heavy on me after your death or I guess disappearance. I am truly sorry."
Astrid pulled Hiccup into a hug and after he got over his shock, he melted into her arms. It had been a long time since he had ever been hugged, it felt nice.

They each pulled back, awkwardly chuckling while wiping away any stray tears.
"Well, does you offer still stand?"
"Only if you promise not to choke me again," Hiccup joked, attempting to lighten the mood. He was greeted by a friendly punch in the shoulder and he smirked as Astrid rolled her eyes, "You're exaggerating, I barely applied any pressure. I promise I won't try to kill you if you don't give me any reasons to."
"Sounds good to me, so truce?" Hiccup extended his hand, hoping to show his good will.
Astrid shook his hand with a smile.
"Truce."