Symphony of Shadows

18. Pace

TW: Discussions  of suicidal ideation

A storm of unfamiliar emotions churned in Hiccup's chest, and he didn't know how to contain it. Seeing Astrid so vulnerable made him want to sob and scream at the same time. He had experienced those types of anxiety spells before when he had first left Berk and the weight of what he had done had come crashing down on him. Full of worry and fear for the future, he had been inconsolable. They had been living in a dark cave on a small island not far from Berk at the time and he had almost let the darkness consume him. The air in that cave had been cold and damp, clinging to his skin like guilt. He remembered staring into the abyss at the edge of the cave, wondering if falling would finally bring him peace. If it wasn't for Toothless, he wouldn't have made it out of those thoughts alive.

Hiccup only hoped that Astrid had never gone down that path, for he would never wish that despair on anyone. She had seemed so lost, he hadn't known if she would want him to help her but he just couldn't leave her like that. To Hel with it all—he'd wanted to comfort her, and she'd felt like Valhalla in his arms. Her soft arms had been riddled with goosebumps and he'd been fearful she would elbow him in the face when his arms had enveloped her. But she hadn't. So he had rubbed her back in soft circles and tried to help ground her by reminding her where she was and that she'd be alright, which had worked for him most of the time.

Astrid had trusted him and it made him feel like he could fly but wanted to drown in the icy sea. She shouldn't trust him; he was far from worthy. He was everything she didn't want, they were complete opposites. He was hiding his true identity from her and the minute she found out, all Hel would break loose. Hiccup had to leave and make sure she never found out. Rationally, he knew he would be better off leaving her behind and forgetting all about their wondrous time together.

He shoved his hands into his pockets as he waited for Astrid to return from where she was pacing and felt the leather pouch. The bracelet. He still hadn't given it to her. But there was something in him that couldn't stand to be away from her. She brought color to his mundane world and her laughter made him want to soar among the highest peaks to touch the clouds. Truly, the only time he had felt even close to this was when he went for sunset flights with Toothless.

Toothless.

He was still in that cave off the side of the island. Gods what time was it? It was starting to get dark and he would have to leave soon. He walked cautiously over to where she was still trodding and obviously lost in thought.

"Hey Astrid? Is everything alright? Your feet are going to fall off if you don't stop pacing."

Her head shot up and her eyes looked like a sheep seeing a dragon for the first time.

"Um yeah, yes, I was just thinking. When do you think that dumb Svikari comes to this market? None of the merchants had seen him recently so he has to be coming soon right? He needs supplies. There's something I'm not seeing—some piece that doesn't fit."

Hiccup cleared his throat awkwardly and crossed his arms, trying not to seem uncomfortable in the situation to avoid suspicion.

"Uh... yeah. Well, maybe he found another market?"

She shook her head and kept pacing. "No, he couldn't have. This is the only safe place for him to go, it just doesn't make sense how he's not here."

Astrid had always been a brilliant strategist—but now that he was the one she was hunting, it was terrifying.

"Well, I'm sure if anyone is going to catch him it will be you. Um, I've got to get going soon, but I wanted to give you something."

Her eyes softened, and he stepped closer. He reached into his pocket and secured the pouch.

"I just—I wanted to get you something. It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. I just...I really value you—I mean, your friendship. It meant a lot that you still want to be friends after my past. So, thank you."

Hiccup could see the emotion swelling in Astrid's eyes. He wondered when anyone had last given her a gift—she deserved to be showered in them every hour of every day.

Her rough, callused hands from her intense training were so beautiful as they grasped his and he wondered how he could ever make himself leave.

"Hiccup you really didn't have to give me anything. I treasure our friendship too."

Astrid opened the pouch, took out the crystal bracelet, and he found another reason why it was so perfect: it was the same blue as her eyes.

"Oh wow, this is really beautiful. But Hiccup, I didn't get you anything. This is truly the best gift I've ever gotten—thank you so much."

Hiccup ran his hands over his hair, a nervous tick he was conscious he tended to do quite a lot.

"You've already given me the best gift, being my friend. I wasn't really close to anyone at Berk and you're, uh, you're my first real friend and that's invaluable to me."

Astrid put on the bracelet and it shimmered in the dusk light that had breached the covering of the trees.

"Hiccup, I really appreciate this. I didn't get to thank you that much about... before when I was... down... but you're a great friend. I have had a couple of those meltdowns before but it always took me a while to break free from them. You helped a lot and really cleared my mind, which is a miracle."

She grasped his hand in hers again while making strong eye contact—which made him feel like his legs—or leg—might give out.

Suddenly Astrid leaned forward and Hiccup felt the warm press of her lips against his right cheek. He had gone crazy. He must've taken a fall off of Toothless and that clearly explained the delusion before him. His cheek burned where her lips had been, like she had branded him with sunlight. Astrid hadn't just kissed him. No, this was a dream—it had to be. Men like him didn't deserve women like her. It was a logical fact. Yet, here they were defying logic and everything Hiccup had ever known.

"Uh wuh, did you? Um."

He was trying to communicate but his words felt jumbled on his tongue and nothing managed to come out right.

"That's a thanks. For everything. I'm really glad we met again. I've, uh... I've got to go—but I'll see you around? I need to go back to Berk and report on my investigation. When will you be back at the market?"

Words. Words were coming out of her mouth but they were nothing but air to him... She was so beautiful. Had he said that already?

"Um, yeah, yeah I will be here. I will be here in, um, a couple weeks. I'll be here on the next full moon. Uh, you'll be there?"

Astrid smiled softly at his obvious awkwardness and what Hiccup knew were his now reddened cheeks.

"I'll be there. See you around, Hiccup! Take care!"

She left him with a smile and a toss of her honey-like hair before her hood and mask were back up and she stalked into the darkening woods. They had made it far out from where they had first met at the manuscript section and Hiccup had to take a few moments to figure out which direction Toothless was in.

Heading to the other side of the island, Hiccup could have fallen into a Changewing nest, but he would have been burned alive with a smile on his face.

Astrid. His reason, his ruin, his impossible dream.