Renee Rapp x Fem Reader One shots

Tough time

TW (SH) not proof read
————————————-
I was sat on the bathroom floor the shower becoming a background noise.I stare at my arms.

What did i do, but this doesn't feel like enough.

I pick up the blade again and swipe once,twice,three times each and every time I think about something new making me make more of....this.

I lost count I drop the blade staring at my arms my eyes wide and mouth open.

My tears start falling down what am i doing.

I need to fix.....me I'm broken and ruined. I used my arm one to many times it's all........ruined.

I cried and cried and cried 'why cant i fix this...why can't I fix myself'I thought before picking up myself from the bathroom floor. I wipe the mixture of tears and mascara of my face.

Waiting for the water to get hot i zone out as I look at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror 'this isn't my fault. What I'm feeling is not my fault non of this is' I say to myself.

After a while I regain consciousness of my body and my thoughts.
I realized that my shower was ready.

Getting my self prepared as the steam filled my bathroom.

I open my hair then take my clothes of piece by piece.

I step into the stinging shower drowning my body in the hot water.It feels good but I hate knowing why it feels that way.I drop down to the floor and let the water hit my back.

As I get lost in my thoughts I feel my tears fall down like hail from the sky 'why why why' I repeat in my head feeling confused and lost.

I don't know I don't fucking know

"I need to stop"I thought out loud letting a sob out.

I can't do anything about this, my life is falling apart my family is falling apart IM falling apart.

As my tears start to feel as heavy as the water pouring on my back I get up and close the water then look at the time.

....I've been in here for 3 hours.

'This is not ur fault y/n it's not' I reassured myself closing my eyes.

People say you can drown in the soft colors of your loved ones eyes but im drowning in my own remorse and blue.

Im falling apart...

I step out of the shower and put my clothes on. As I'm bandaging my arms I hear a knock on my door.

"Yes?" I ask to the person who knocked......wait I live alone.

"Who's there?" I ask again."hey baby it's me I've been here for two hours you okay in there." Oh it's Renee."yeah I'm okay just a second."

I walk out of the bathroom my long sleeve covering it.

"Hey baby" I say Wapping my arms around her neck. She wraps her arms around my waist greeting me with a kiss.

"How are you?" Renee asks."I'm good now" I smile at her but she give me a knowing look.I sigh walking over to the couch and putting a hoodie on so she can't feel the bandages.

Renee opens her arms for me and I crawl over to her and lay down on top of her my head on her chest, Renee starts playing with my hair, "do you want to talk about it.". She asks me softly twirling strands of my hair between her fingers.

I shake my head no at her "that's okay" she whispers "do you want to do anything specific?" She asks and I don't reply to her.

"Hey do you want to talk?" Renee asks me as I shake my head again and Renee understands what i mean.

Im probably going through my silent phase right now....we'll that's what I call it at least.

Whenever something upsets me or makes me feel a certain way I just go silent and I stop communicating. I can control it but I choose not too. It can last for long periods sometimes short it depends on what happens really.

I point at the tv remote signalling that I want to watch a movie "movie?" Renee asks me already knowing the answer. She reaches over and grabs the remote handing it to me.

I put on the movie thirteen....I know probably not the best in this situation but are you questioning a depressed lady?

After a while I fall asleep on top of her still not saying a word.

I never feel safe unless I'm with her. She's safe.

I still haven't told her about this how can I?

There are so many fucked-up things about self harm. But one that hurts the most is that once you start and they find out you can never not be a weird sick freak, nobody will love that. Even if you get better cause you do it once you are still screwed inside and out.
———————————————————————
woah, i need help