MY WAY - Amelia's Daughter

14. Old days

-- Flashback --

I was playing in the sand at the beach with charlotte. My mom was having yet another intervention. "That's very pretty Morgan" she said observing the sand castle i built "thanks for saying that!" I smiled.

    Shortly after my mom bursted out of the house "no addie fuck you" she paused screaming "i trusted you and this is the shit you pull? I thought you were my sister" she sobbed. "Amel-" she tried to stop her "no fuck you Addison you're dead to me don't speak to me or my child" she said running me through the road to the beach.

     Charlotte had no idea of the events which had just unfolded behind us. "Come on Morgan we're going home" she said grabbing my hands. "Okay mama" I giggled i was only four i didn't have a clue what she was doing.

    Ryan picked us up from the side of the road and took us to the hotel where we would stay for the next five days.

    They spent the days wasting their time shooting heroin until the day Ryan died.

    That was when she hit rock bottom. She finally went to rehab. She slowly became a person again. She became my mother.

----

     "Lexie I think I'm ready to go home" I said softly while she was running her fingers through my hair. "Okay baby I'll call Addie" she said getting up. I need my mommy plus school starts soon I need settled and the kids are probably confused.

I knocked at the door and waited a couple seconds "sunshine!" She smiled hugging me time "hi mama, I missed you" I smiled back. "I missed you so much baby girl" She hugged tighter and i thought it might never end.

"Morgan!" Addie exclaimed squeezing me as well. "How's my mom?" I asked seeing she wasn't around anymore. "Better I got her back into therapy and she went to a couple meetings" Addie spoke carefully. "Im going back to therapy too, I think Lexie was calling around" i revealed "that's great love! Im going back to LA next Friday and your mom's going back to work Monday" Addie explained the itinerary relative to today being Saturday.

    "I see," I nodded. "I just need to make sure you guys are okay before I go back" Addie explained. "I can take it if you want to go back, I can handle it Addie I know I can" I tried to convince her. "Morgan you're just a kid you can't put that weight on yourself it's unhealthy" Addie spoke softly. "But I have and can" I raised my voice. "Morgan please stop fighting me I already have too much on my plate for this" Addie sighed walking away.

Shit I fucked up again. I went up to room and immediately felt sick. I ran to the toilet and all of my stomachs contents spilled out. I can't take being me anymore.

"Hey I was about to go-" Lexie started before hearing the sounds of me gagging, "morgan are you okay?" She asked grabbing my hair back. "I can't do this anymore Lexie" I cried, "i'm sick and tired if being a screw up, and Aunt Addie treats me like I'm stupid and I just can't do it." "Shhh Morgan It's okay" she rocked me. I felt bad because she was about to leave and now she can't.

"I'm sorry you should go I don't want you to have to leave Mark and Cooper" I cried. "Sweetheart you need me right now, they're fine, I'm fine. I got you" she said just holding me in her arms.

Once I started to calm down Lexie had questions. "Moe I need you to be honest with me when I ask you these" she requested . "Okay I will" I said nudging closer. "Have you been hurting yourself again?" She wondered this one stung a bit but ultimately I hadn't so I shook my head 'no.' "Have you been skipping meals" She questioned. "not really, I mean I just feel so sick with myself but it's not really intentional.

"Okay I'm just going to run home really quick I need to pump for Coop since Mark can't really help on the one, and Mer said she would sit with you so Addie can go out to the store" she explained. "alright" I agreed.

"Do you want to talk?" Mer offered. We were watching the notebook. We always watch the notebook together. "I don't know what went wrong I was doing fine" I explained.

"Maybe if you think back to when it started again" She suggested. "I know what went wrong I just thought I could just ignore it but it really fucking hurt Mer it really hurt" I sobbed. "Come here," she said patting the couch closer to her.

"Sweetheart don't ever put your worth in the hands of a man you will never find happiness that way, you will only find darkness, no matter how dark it gets, look for the light!" She advised pulling me into her and rubbing my back.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I fell in the bay?" She asked. She hadn't. "I don't think so?" I replied. "There was this huge ferry boat crash when I was an intern and we were on the scene helping. Somehow my patient ended up knocking me in to the water. At first I fought, I kicked and swam. And then just for a moment I thought maybe it just wasn't worth the trouble and I stopped fighting. I almost died that day infact I had a dream I did I even saw dead people I used to know" she told.

I never knew about any of this. This whole time i thought I'd never be able to find a real person I could relate to this whole time.

"Sometimes I have dreams about Derek, I never really thought I was dead though. I would open my eyes and I'd be on this beautiful beach. Id look out and there he would be every time. He would always give me some sort of advice. I used to think they were dreams but really they're just nightmares" I analyzed.

    "I know exactly what you mean" she said "it's just another reminder of all the make ups and moments you missed out on with them, and all the things you wish you said, and all the things you wish you did."

    "I just never thought anything would ever come between me and Jakob, and I don't understand why he would even say anything if he's still in love with his Ex" I wondered. "You know your uncle derek did the same exact thing with your auntie Addie right?" She questioned. "Yeah but that just seems so different" I thought. "Nothings as different as it seems."