MY WAY - Amelia's Daughter

10. Out

Addie took us to this quiet but huge park. "how did you know about this place" I asked, "I don't actually remember I think your uncle Derek used to walk around here a lot." hearing his name still makes me feel weird.

"I'm worried about you Moe, your aunt Lexie is a very sensible person so she doesn't just call me for nothing" Addie spoke as we sat on the park bench watching the kids play. "I don't know why she called I'm literally fine" I said and I meant it "Sweetheart your not though" She pleaded with me. "But I am I don't understand why everyone's so dramatic" I whined.

"Morgan just listen to me I don't want you to end up like your mother" she said trying to grab my hand "What's so bad about being my mother? she turned out just fine" I raised my voice. why did she even come here if all she's going to do is criticize me and make me feel like shit?

"Morgan please" she begged "no I've heard enough" I said getting up to go for a walk. i follow the trail until I got to a creek.

I saw down on a rock and started praying. doing everything I can to try to talk to my uncle Derek. "You know I never thought I'd make it past 13 let alone to high school and here I am, and never did I imagine you wouldn't be here, so please Uncle Derek if you're out there just please take care of my mommy" I spoke keeping my eyes shut for a few more minutes.

I looked at my phone and all the missed calls and texts from Addie, I fucked up. I hope I'm not always going to feel like this.

I called Addie and listened to the phone ring "Addie please I'm sorry" I cried "It's okay baby girl I'm going to come help you where are you?" she said softly "I went down this trai-l and n-now I don't know where I am" I stuttered. "Don't worry baby Addie's coming I'll be right there my love" she spoke to me gently.

"I'm so sorry baby let's get you home" she said holding onto my limp body while i sobbed into her. the car ride home was silent while tears ran down my cheeks. I can't have my mom know im falling apart it will destroy her, who knows what she'd do shes 3 years sober and 10 years clean but all that could go away in a minute.

"Addie promise me you won't say anything to my mom she can't take this" I begged "okay but you have to promise me something" she said, I could tell she was holding back tears, "promise me you won't try to hurt yourself, okay?" she asked. I nodded and she pulled me into a hug "I love you now lets go in" she said trying to smile.

I went into my room and found the baggie that i'd been hiding in my sock drawer. I didn't even know what they were but I'd been saving them for a rainy day. I popped a few and went to lay down, careful not to leave a trace. I was a fuck up. The whole family knows that. That's why Addie's here to pick up the pieces everyone knows that.

I was out for a couple hours and when I woke up higher than when I feel asleep. I really don't know how I'm going to play this off for dinner. I started with eye drops and did some makeup to make it look like I had eye bags so I could play it off as exhaustion and getting sick. Dear God if you're out there please lord save me.

I heard my door creak open, fuck. I threw down the makeup brushes and pretended to be brushing my teeth. "Hey Moe how are you feeling?" Addie asked walking in. "not very good I think I'm getting sick" I lied. "Oh well your aunts are on the way right now just wanted to let you know" she smiled leaving the room.

I finished up the look and went down to the kitchen, "what can I do to help?" I smiled. "here take Ellis," she handed me the three year old "and set these out" she handed me the plates. I watched as my mom pulled something out of the oven while Addie was cutting up vegetables.

    I sat Ellis down in the chair and sat down myself "where's aunt Lexie?" I questioned in her absence "she was finishing up when I left so she will probably be here soon" Mer smiled.

I started getting that flutter in my heart waiting for dinner to start and for a second I felt like I might die.

"Are you okay" I heard snapping out of it. "What?" I questioned. "Are you okay Morgan?" My aunt Maggie asked again. "Oh yeah I'm fine I just think I'm getting sick" I said trying to get myself together before my mom notices. Please get the attention off of me.

Soon enough Aunt Lexie entered the kitchen "You know you should really start locking your doors Mere" she said hugging her sister.

    "How are you my love?" She asked sitting next to me. "Im okay I just think I'm getting sick" I said look forward still. "Hmm you were just sick" she said putting her palm on my forehead. Fuck she's on to me "you are a little warm" she said after a couple minutes. God if you're out there thank you.

    The whole dinner I just kept looking at my feet praying nobody would but two and two together. Especially not my mother. This would kill her.

    I wish I never started. I still remember the first time. Becca's house after the 8th grade winter formal. "Just do It Morgan it's not that deep" Emily said trying to put the cart in my mouth. "I can't I can't do that to my mom" I said grabbing it and taking it farther from myself. "Just one time it won't kill you" I did it to shut them up.

    But it wasn't just once it was once every other week then it turned into every day in the school bathroom then I turned to pills. I didn't even know what they were half the time.

    I had been clean for two weeks. Two weeks ago was when Jakob found out. I promised him id stop. But not that he's gone there's no reason to stay off.

    Actually I take that back. There's still my mom but I guess what she doesn't know can't hurt her can it?
   
    "So what did everyone do today?" Maggie asked. I love her to death but somehow her optimism in a world of pessimism disgusts me.

    "Auntie Addie took us to the park!" Zola exclaimed. "Oh did she now?" Meredith smiled "yes it was hugeee" bailey grinned. "I'm glad you guys liked it so much maybe we can go back" Addison chuckled.

    "Im going to bed" I announced after not eating even half of my meal. "Okay feel better sweetheart" Lexie said kissing the top of my head.

    I took the risky choice to walk over to hug my mom. Yeah it was stupid but I really need a mommy hug right now. "Sleep well my baby" she said after squeezing me for a minute "goodnight Mama I love you" I said continuing to tighten the hug "I love you too feel better" she said as I headed for my room to sleep this off.