Theodore

AINE 27

It was a cold, quiet and strange day. I can feel it in my bones.. the strange feeling... the heaviness.. it's all right here deep in my heart. 

I sighed for the nth time and slowly walked to the window. It seems normal in the outside. Yung mga pasyente nasa park ng ospital with their loved ones. "They look happy even if they are sick." 

There's a couple happily eating their foods, there are kids who are laughing despite the IV connected in their hands, there are also people who are talking very seriously. There are also doctors talking while eating their foods. Lahat sila parang walang mga problema despite the wheelchairs, the IVs, the portable oxygens, pain and uncertainty.

I looked at the sky and it's sunny - a perfect weather to go outside but here I am inprisoned in my hospital room for more than a month already. Gusto ko nang umuwi. Everyday seems like a torture... not for me but for my kuya and Theo. 

"Lord, I don't know how to survive another month with this illness. Masyado na pong masakit ang ulo ko. I know my organs are surviving but my heart is dying. I can feel it. Bawat araw na nakikita ko sila na nahihirapan, parang katapusan ko na. I cannot deal another day na nakikita silang nasasaktan so please heal me o kung hindi man ako meant to live long, please kunin niyo na ako. It will hurt them so much but I know they can get through the pain." I cannot contain my feelings anymore. I cried so much. Iniyak ko lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko for the past weeks. 

I have been strong for them because it hurts me everytime I see them in pain, but I also know that me leaving this world is just a matter of time. I will explode anytime and when that time comes, I know if will rip their hearts into tiny pieces but I also know that after a few years, they'll get over me.. they'll get over the pain that it will cause them.

Suddenly, a pair of warm arms enveloped me. 

"Good morning to my greatest love." he is here. The love of my life is here. My body automatically calmed and it amazed me eveytime. 

How amazing it is to have someone who loves you very much and you love back. I sighed in relief. I want this. I need this and I wouldn't trade this for anything else in this world. Kung bibigyan man ako ng isang segundo makasama lang ang isang tao, si Theo pa rin ang pipiliin ko. Sometimes, I cannot begin to understand how magical it is na bigla ka na lang kakalma kapag andiyan yung taong mahal mo. 

All my fears suddenly disappeard and all I can think of is kailangan kong mabuhay kasi may isang Theo na nag-aantay. 

"What are you thinking? You look so sad, baby." he whispered. I can feel him slowly guiding me to the sofa. 

"Nothing much." I smiled to reassure him that everything is fine, na wala siyang dapat na ipag-alala. 

"It's not nothing. I have been looking at you through that." pointing the small rectangular glass at the door kung saan makakita ang nasa loob from the outside. 

I held his hand tighter this time. Oh God, please give me more time so I can hold his hand longer.

"I have been praying." I know my pain is visible already. I can it from his reaction as he looked me in the eye.