A Book Of My OC's

- I fucked up -

Im writing cuz I'm bored
Yuri realizing he's fucked up and ruined his life.
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.Julian's POV.

The TV plays my favorite movie as the atmosphere is calm and quiet. Luna's asleep and Noel is out with some friends. It's just me here. The only one awake is me. Yuri isn't here and I don't think he's busy with college classes or volleyball practice...I really don't know what he's up to lately.

He's just been quiet as of now. He's been staying with me much more as of now and I for once don't exactly know why he's been this way.

Yuri won't tell me anything as of now. It's just quiet on his end. I asked him and I didn't get a reply. He's focused on his daughter. It's okay, I haven't a reason to be mad at him for being busy. Yuri can handle himself. He's an adult, he knows what to do.

Maybe that's just me lying to myself but this is no place to throw a pity party.

The door to my apartment swings open and my eyes snap away from the TV I'd forgotten about. My eyes flicker to the tall figure I know as Yuri as he walks in.

It doesn't take a genius to realize how off he looks. He's distressed and I know it. He knows that I know.

He doesn't say anything before padding straight to my room and shutting the door, not bothering to take his shoes off. He doesn't say a word.

I think back to when he first came inside the apartment. His beautiful face screams of sadness and his mouth quivered. What could've happened is something I'm bound to find out because I can't stop myself from getting up and heading to my room.

I carefully open the door, walking in and shutting it behind me. He lays on his side, facing the wall but his body trembles. His muffled cries and his hitched breaths make my heart shatter all the more.

"Yuri..? Hey.." I spoke, climbing into the bed as I sat down. I look over at him as he turns to face me. His eyes are puffy and red. Tears roll down his face.

"What's wrong? Don't answer if you don't want to...don't force yourself, okay?" I reassure him as he sits up and snakes an arm over my side, pulling me into a side hug.

"I fucked up." He admits. The confession was as clear and straightforward. I don't say anything because he speaks up again.

"Julian...I have wasted so many years of my life just- just- living the way I do!" Yuri spat. "I'm miserable with selling myself out, I just- I can't anymore."

I'm shocked with this. Yuri could admit his faults, but this was new to me. I knew he used to sell himself out but...I genuinely thought he enjoyed it. Never once did I think he...

I didn't know just how much he actually hated it.

"I've been oversexualizing myself for years and I used to think that I was- that I was pretty and in such a powerful position. I thought that I had all the confidence in the world." He blurts out as his grip gets tighter.

"I had money and honestly- I thought I was well off! I thought I was happy with this life."

"Jewls...I thought people would actually want me...I felt pretty in what I wore, what I did, what I said...what I could do...I felt great. I was such a fucking moron-" His voice breaks and he couldn't stifle the sob that broke out.

"- to think that they actually wanted me. They want me for my body not for me..." He whispered in the silence.

"I'm just nothing now...I'm a fuck up." He broke down sobbing, pressing his body weight on mine as his ragged sobs escaped his mouth. Instinctively, I rubbed cirles on his back as I try to comfort him.

"I thought I was pretty and I thought I loved myself but- No!" Ragged sobs escaped his mouth again. "I hate myself so much! I can't even stand myself anymore!" With every word and sentence of self-deprecation, I now understand just exactly how bad this got.

"I'm supposed to be a father. Not some- some...some whore you find on the streets! That's all I'll ever be good at! That's all people want me for! I'll always be- used as a damn toy! I'm an object of pleasure and I'll never be anything else!" I can feel the tears against my shirt. I stare at him in complete surprise.

I can't say anything. I had no words. This is how he truly thinks of himself. This is how he views himself...

"Yuri..." I couldn't process this the way I wanted to. It was so sudden and I was stunned.

"Is that how you view me too?" He looks at me with pleading eyes. His eyes begging me that this isn't how I see him.

"I couldn't ever think of you that way." I tell him, slipping our hands together, interlacing them. I wouldn't ever dream of thinking that way about him. Yuri's this ball of life to me.

We sit like this quietly for a while, his ragged sobs die down and so does his sniffles. His breathing returns to its normal rhythm.

Suddenly I feel this weight pushing against my neck. Yuri's dozing off.

"Get some sleep, Love...you've needed it." I tell him quietly and he hums as a response. He lays himself down and I do as well, like he always does, Yuri clings to me again. I've shut off the lights already. He's still holding my hand

"Goodnight, Jewls." He mumbles groggily as he shuts his eyes. "Goodnight, Yuri." I smiled as I replied back to him.

In the midst of the silence, I spoke up.

"I love you, mon amour."

I don't expect him to reply back but his tired voice replies back to me

"I love you too."

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