A Book Of My OC's

- Wasted Words -

God damnit, I am writing angst.
TW: Suicide Attempt and mention of SH

Carmilia's POV

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I'm sitting in my room, more specifically my bedroom. The stupid fairy lights are the only source of light in my oddly clean bedroom. My legs dangle from the end of my bed. I stare at the ground, the white carpet is covered in tiny litters of trash. Everything in the room feels off, it feels odd to be in my now clean room that was usually messy. Oh well, tonight's not the night to worry about the uncomfortable feeling.

It's quiet in here, but downstairs is a little loud. Just my roommates Mara and Hailey talking and watching TV. They're talking about something I have no interest in nowadays. I haven't felt like myself lately, but I hadn't told anyone about that. They didn't need to here and being a burden to them wasn't my intention. So I kept my words to myself and held it in. I kept in touch with all of my friends and hung out with them all as much as possible. I saved as much as money as I could and bought them things they had been wanting to get forever. I felt happier in a way but I knew deep down it was a simple facade. I hear the TV downstairs go quiet and I hear exchanges of goodnights and all that. Then I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and here comes Hailey in my room.

"Hey..you take your pills yet?" She asks, looking tired as usual. I nodded but that was me lying to her. "Hey, uh..how have you been?" She asks, I looked at her and smiled, "I feel alright." I say, she smiles at me. "I'm glad, you seem to be doing so much more better lately." Hailey says, "Yeah, I feel much better now, I feel relieved in a way." I say as I look at her. Hailey looks tired as always, her job was a long and tough one so she'd normally come home tired. "Good to hear, well I'm gonna get some sleep, goodnight Carmilia." She says softly and then she shuts the door quietly and her footsteps are barely heard as she walks away. Hailey always took on this motherly figure towards me. Mara and Hailey both treat me as if I'm their kid. I'm about their age, a little younger, but they treat me like I'm their kid. They kept a watch out for me and whatnot. Checked up on me regularly and all that, classic worried friend business.

I look at my bedside table and see the bottles of pills on there. I had always had them propped up on it when I was first prescribed them. I already was aware of the idea popping into my head weeks ago. Right, I was planning on committing suicide, plan as fucking that. There's nothing else to it. The signs became clear, acting happier than usual, giving away personal belongings, having a thought out plan for a prolonged time. I sighed deeply and looked at my arms, covered the self inflicted scars. They were about up to my shoulders, my thighs were covered in some too. I was almost like a rugged doll that was ready to fall apart in seconds. I look away from my horrible arms and grabbed my phone, quickly typing the password in and getting ready to message the one person I knew would need at least some closure. My boyfriend. I still don't understand why in hell he's with me, but hey, he's happy I guess. Maybe he isn't, hell if I know. Maybe when I'm dead, he'll move on quickly, as quick as snapping your fingers maybe. Maybe he won't miss me, maybe he'll be relieved to get away from dealing with my emotional turmoils. I quickly typed up a message and hit send.

'I love you so much, I wish you nothing but eternal happiness. You've been such a big person in my life and I couldn't thank you enough. From the bottom of my heart, I love you so so much. Thank you for the time we spent together.'

I don't say anything, I just shut my phone off and tossed it aside. Grabbing the pills I have, I grabbed the glass of water and sat on the floor. I feel my heart beating faster and faster as I swallowed as many pills as I could, washing it all down with the glass of water. My body feels hot and sweaty, but soon enough I feel like I'm on top of the world and I feel incredible. I feel numb as well. I don't recall how long I was awake until I passed out. But I knew it was all over and I felt so ready to be dead, so relieved that I was finally going to be gone.

I woke up passed out on the floor the next morning. I felt so...angry? Sad? Confused? I was a mixture of emotions. Why wasn't I gone? I should be? Why was I given a second chance at life? Why me?

I just want to be numb and gone forever...

- Chapter End -