𝐰𝐞 𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐝𝐮𝐦𝐛 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭
🥂🥂🥂
When she gets the call from her "brother", Kirsten practically jumps for joy at the opportunity to go to Vegas with her best friends for his bachelor party. She lives for a party, especially when it's...
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TW: Mentions of drugging, talk about rape, illegal activities, and offensive language and jokes.
[Who Let The Dogs Out - Baha Men] 1:40 ─〇───── 2:13 ⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻
The three of us, Stu and Alan, wait as Phil is in the lobby. Alan somehow found a baby carrier and now has the baby strapped to his chest. We wait for Valet to give us our car and Stu can't stop looking over at Alan.
"So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?" He asks.
"What? I've found a baby before." Alan says, nonchalantly.
"You found a baby before?" I question.
"Yeah." He shrugs.
"Where?"
"Coffee Bean." He answers.
Alan speaks as Phil walks back with two cups of coffee. "Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes."
"Relax, we'll be careful." Phil passes me the other and I smile as a thank you. I didn't even ask for one and he knows my order.
"My dad is crazy about that car." Alan shakes his head. "He left Doug in charge..."
"Alan." Phil interrupts him. "We got bigger problems here. Doug could be in the hospital, he could be hurt. Let's worry about the car later."
I talk as I see a crane leaning over the building. "Uh, guys? Check it out." A mattress is impaled into one of the status of the hotel, on the roof.
"Is that the mattress from Doug's room?" Alan asks.
"What the fuck?" Phil mutters as he walks over to the workers. "Hey, man, what's going on here?"
"Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night." The worker groans. "Some guys just can't handle Vegas." No, we couldn't.
"It's gonna be okay, Stu." Phil comforts him. "How the hell did we manage that?"
The valet man pulls up in a cop car, throwing us the keys. "Here's your car, officers."
"Oh, God." I start to panic. I've never been this stupid whilst drunk.
"All right, everybody act cool," Phil whispers as we walk over to the car. "All right, don't say a word. Come on, let's just get in and go." I hop in the passenger seat, sipping my coffee and feeling the hangover slowly starting to settle. "Stu, you got a five?"
"No." He groans from the back seat.
"I'll hit you on the way back." Phil talks to the valet man, who nods his head as a thank you. Phil gets in the driver's seat, driving through the long and binding traffic.
"This is so illegal," Stu complains as we sit in traffic.
"Can't you see the fun part in anything?" Phil sips on his coffee.
"Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with a missing child in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?" Stu shouts.
"I think the cop car part's pretty cool," Alan mumbles, putting his sunglasses over the baby's eyes.
"Thank you, Alan. It is cool." Phil smiles. "Doug would love it." He beeps the horn. "Come on." He then turns on the sirens, wailing as he swirls through traffic. "Check this out."
"Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil." Stu panics. "Don't do this!"
"Take it easy." I try to calm him down.
"Just try to call more attention to us." Stu mumbles.
Phil speaks over the PA system, his voice booming to the other cars. "Attention. Attention, please. Move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse."
"Please disperse? Who talks like that?" I chuckle.
"Get off the sidewalk!" Stu screams. "Get off the sidewalk!"
"I should have been a fucking cop." Phil hollers when we are back at a steady pace on the road.
We make it to the hospital on Phil's wristband, asking around for the doctor who treated him last night. When we find him, he's in the middle of an appointment, an old man sitting on the hospital bed only in his pants.
"Look, I already told you." The doctor talks as he checks the man over. "You came in with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs. No big deal. Although none of you could articulate how it happened."
"Do you remember how many of us were here?" Phil asks.
"I don't know. I think it was just you guys." The doctor checks the man's tongue. "Definitely no baby. And one other guy."
"That's our guy. Was he okay?" I clap my hands together.
"Yeah. He was fine." The doctor shrugs. "Just whacked out of his mind. You all were." He turns to talk to the old man. "All right, come forward. And turn. All right." He pulls down the man's pants, leaving him completely bare. I use my hands as a shield to cover my eyes. "There you go. And cough." And the man does. "Cough. Cough. Give me one more. All right. Thattaboy. Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on." I look back up. "And the nurse will be in here in a minute. I'll see you after the weekend." The doctor turns to look at us, shaking his head for the man. "Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry. I have surgery up on the fourth floor."
"No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time." Phil shows him 2 fifty dollar notes.
"Yeah. Tuck it right in there." He points to his lab coat pocket. "I don't want to re-sterilize. Walk with me." He grabs a folder as we follow behind him. "Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. Arrival. Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard."
"Do you mind if I look?" Stu asks. "I'm actually a doctor."
"Yeah, you said that several times last night." The doctor pulls the folder away from him. "But really, you're just a dentist." He keeps reading it. "Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. Wow. They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system." He sees our confused faces. "Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug."
"What, so, what are you saying, I was raped last night?" Phil tries to laugh away his nerves.
"Actually..." The doctor looks through the paper, making us all scared. "I don't think so. But someone did slip you the drug. I'm not surprised you don't remember anything."
"Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?" Alan chuckles.
"Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?" I ask.
"I wouldn't worry about it." The doctor shrugs. "The stuff's out of your system. You're gonna be fine."
"Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor." Stu stops him as he tries to walk away. "Is there anything else? Like, something we may have been talking about, or someplace we were going?"
"Actually, there was something." The doctor stops. "You guys kept talking about some wedding last night."
"Yeah. No shit. Our friend Doug's getting married tomorrow." I roll my eyes.
"You know what? I want the 100 back." Phil tries to grab it back from his pocket.
"No, no. Easy." The doctor fights back. "You kept talking about some wedding you just came from. At the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it. Okay, I hope this helps. I really have to leave."
"Best Little Chapel," Phil pulls out his napkin and pen. "Do you know where that is?"
"I do." The doctor smiles. "It's at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys."
