Whispers Of Yesterday

Chapter 54

"I'm starting to see that healing isn't about erasing the past, but about finding strength and purpose in spite of it."

Text 51
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Hey Kieran,

I needed to get some things off my chest. Today was a whirlwind, and I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened. I need to tell you about it, even if you never read this. Maybe it’ll help me sort out my feelings.

I went out with Liam today. It was the first time I’ve gone out like this since...well, since you. I was so nervous getting ready, thinking about how different things are now. Mom was so happy to see me getting out again. She’s been so worried about me, and seeing her smile made me feel like I was doing something right.

Liam texted me that he was outside, and my stomach flipped. He looked genuinely happy to see me, and it was comforting. He complimented me, and it felt nice, but I couldn’t help but think of you. How you used to look at me, how you used to smile. I know it’s wrong to compare, but my mind kept going back to you.

We drove into the city, talking about school and friends. I found myself laughing, actually enjoying the moment. We stopped for lunch at that café I love, and it felt so nostalgic. When it came time for dessert, I almost ordered chocolate mint ice cream without thinking. But then I realized that it wasn’t my favorite; it was yours. I always ordered it because you loved it. I ended up getting strawberry, my actual favorite. It was a small thing, but it felt significant, like I was choosing something for myself for the first time in a long time.

After lunch, we explored the city more, and then Liam took me to this beautiful, secluded spot by a lake. It was breathtaking, Kieran. The sun was setting, and the light danced on the water. There were wildflowers everywhere, and the trees framed the scene perfectly. It was so peaceful. I hugged him, overwhelmed by the beauty of it all, and it reminded me of hugging you. The way your heart would race.

We sat down and talked for hours. We shared stories from our childhoods, laughed about silly things, and talked about our dreams. It felt so good to connect with someone like that, but it also made me think of you. I found myself wondering if you ever missed those times we shared.

Then things got serious. I told Liam how scared I was of getting hurt again. How I wasn’t sure if I was ready to move on. And do you know what he said? He said he’d wait for me, as long as it took. He just wanted me to be happy. His words touched me so deeply. It made me realize how much I had adapted myself to you, to what you liked, to what made you happy. I hadn’t really been living for myself.

And then...we kissed. It was gentle, sweet, and filled with promise. But as our lips met, I couldn’t stop thinking of you. I remembered how I always imagined kissing you, and it tore me apart inside. I felt so guilty, Kieran. I pulled away and started crying. Liam was so understanding, comforting me and telling me it was okay.

I wish I could stop thinking about you. I wish I could move on without this constant ache in my chest. But every time I take a step forward, memories of you pull me back. I’m trying so hard to live for myself, to make choices that make me happy. Liam is helping me see that I deserve to be happy, to choose what I like, not just adapt to someone else’s preferences.

But it’s so hard. I feel like I’m betraying our memories, like I’m erasing the good times we had. And it hurts. It hurts so much, Kieran. I don’t want to think about you every time something good happens. I want to move on, to live my life, but it feels impossible right now.

I wish things were different. I wish you were still a part of my life in the way you used to be. But I know that’s not possible. I know I need to let go. It’s just so damn hard.

I’m trying, Kieran. I really am. Liam is wonderful, and he’s patient. He makes me feel like I can find happiness again. But there’s always going to be a part of me that misses you, that craves the closeness we had. I just hope that one day, I can look back and cherish our memories without feeling this unbearable pain.

For now, I’m taking it one day at a time. I hope you’re happy, truly. I hope Sofia makes you happy. I just need to find my own path to happiness, even if it takes time.

Maeve

P.S. Please never see this. I just needed to get it out. I needed to say these things, even if you never read them.

Sent : 16.03.2023
           02:03 a.m.