Safiyyah

The Good and the Bad Choices

A ranar ban je asibiti ba sai dare, na zauna a daki ni kadai with my thoughts thinking in nayi spending a day with my self zan iya yanke wa rayuwata shawara. Amma sai dai har daren ban zamu na yanke din ba, sai dai kamar kullum, ranar ma nayi adduoi sosai akan Allah ya dube ni ya kawo haske a rayuwata.

A ranar ne kuma na fahimci dalilin da yasa na kasa samun zabi a cikin samarin da Daddy ya lissafa min, dalilin kuwa shine Gidado. In dai har zan cigaba da yiwa aure hangen da muka yi masa ni da Gidado to kuwa sai dai in Daddy yayi zuciya ya zabar min da kansa dan ba zan iya zabar kowa ba. Amma kuma sai naji cewa ina ma dai zaiyi hakan? Da ya dauke min wani babban nauyi a kaina, da ya cire min guilty feeling da nake ji a raina a duk lokacin da nayi tunanin zabar wani ba a matsayin miji wanda ba Gidado ba.

In dai har ba Mustapha zai zabar min ba to bani da matsala.

Abdul na san idan na zabe shi bani da matsala da iyayen sa, dan maganar da Aunty Hajjo tayi min yau ta kuma tabbatar min da kaunar da take yi min, sannan Uncle Sufyan kuma zan iya kiran shi da second father dina dan duk duniya Daddy bashi da aminin da ya amince wa kamarsa. Amma kuma Abdul yana da wadda yake so kamar yadda ya gaya min baki da baki. Kuma experience dina da soyayya ya saka na fahimci cewa kowace ce ma yana kaunar ta sosai. Duk sanda nayi tunanin zabarta sai in hasaso cewa Muhammad ne sanda muke tare muke tsara rayuwar mu tare sai iyayensa su haɗa shi aure da wata saboda selfish reason ɗin su. It would have destroyed our lives. And I do not want to destroy someone else's life dan ni in samu farin ciki.

Mukhtar on the other hand yana so na, dan yana daga cikin few mazan da suka taba physically confessing soyayyar su gare ni. Mukhtar ya jima yana so na, soyayyar da ni a gurina na fara daukan ta obsession har ta fara irritating dina kuma tasa yayi loosing girmansa na yaya na a idona. In na aure shi at least zan zauna da wanda yake sona ko da kuwa ni bana son nasa amma kuma iyayensa fa? Uncle Ahmad shine dan uwa daya tilo da Daddy yake dashi a duniya, komai namu a hannunsa yake tunda Daddy ya fara rashin lafiya more than five years ago, sai dai kuma tun ina karama nake samun problem dashi da matarsa dan suna min kallon spoilt girl da bata da tarbiyya, problem din namu kuma ya karu a shekarun bayan nan, sannan ya zama worst bayan bayyanar ciki na. Zasu karbi aure na dole, and zasu iya farinciki ma da hakan, sai dai hakan baya nufin zamu daidaita dasu ko kuma zasu kasa goranta min ko nan gaba.

And Mustapha, in na zabi Mustapha rayuwa ta will be a disaster, dan ban taba tsanar mutum ba kamar yadda na tsane shi and there is no way da zan iya neman aljanna ta a karkashin sa. Sai dai kuma Mommy tayi min dukkan halaccin da mutun yake nema daga wani mutum, ba ita bama, danginta sunyi wa Ammi na halaccin da duk mutum yake bukata daga mutum, musamman wanda ba dan uwansa ba. Duk da dai nasan a yanzu ba wai dan soyayya ko halacci ne yasa suke son hadin auren mu ba, but I do not care about that, da ace zan iya 'managing' zama da Mustapha, da tabbas shi zan zaba.

Kamar kullum tunda muka zo garin, sai na samu kaina da yin adduoin istikhara da neman Allah ya bayyana min zabin sa a fili ya kuma tsayar min da zuciya ta akan zabin nasa.

Kwana biyu bayan nan, da dare ina kwance kamar kullum ina kallon ceiling na kasa bacci, a lokacin babu abinda nake nema irin abinda zaiyi taking ɗina away from my thoughts. Na tuno da twins sai naji guilty feeling dan tun da muka rabu a Nigeria bamu sake yin magana ba. Na dauko wayata na kunna ina lissafin time ɗin Nigeria amma sai na lura dare yayi sosai a can, maybe ma sunyi bacci. Amma sai nayi tunanin hawa online in duba su. Sai dai ina kunna data din wata ta naji gaba na ya fadi, sai a lokacin na tuna cewa banyi blocking Gidado from Whatsapp ba kuma na tabbatar ya neme ni ta can.

Na bude Whatsapp din na tsaya ina kallon yadda messages din suke shigowa a guje, har suka gama suka tsaya. And like I  expected, akwai da yawa daga Muhammad. Na kasa bude sakon nasa saboda tsoron abinda zan gani, zuciya ta ba zata iya daukan wasu karin bakaken maganganu daga gare shi ba. Idan kuma rokona yake ba zata iya jure cigaba da butulce wa soyayyar sa ba. Sai dai kuma a lokacin na sani har cikin zuciya ta cewa rabuwa da shi shine abu mafi alkhairi da zan yi masa a rayuwa. I couldn't stain his clean life with my dirty and tragic life. Idan ma gaya masa gaskiyar abinda ya faru da ni ba zai taɓa rabuwa da ni ba, iyayensa kuma ba zasu taɓa amincewa ya aure ni ba, nawa iyayen kuma zasu kama shi da zargin yana da hannu a cikin abinda ya sameni. So in whatever way shine a ruwa. And I rather drown myself then get him wet. Wannan shine zurfin soyayyar da nake yi masa.