Troian Bellisario: Just Me & My Girl

Windows to the Soul

Troian's Pov

It's just an eye colour. An eye colour. Only a colour. That's all. A coincidence. Nothing more. Just a colour.

At least that's what I have to tell myself. If not, I'll go crazy with suspicion. I'll go crazy wondering if Keegan is truly the father of my child.

"Aspen, you can get down now." I say shakily, lifting her down from the counter. After I put her down on the tile floor, she stares up at me curiously, probably wondering what that was all about.

"Mommy?" Aspen asks me "Can I go play now?"

I nod "Yeah, of course." After Aspen runs back to her playroom, I just stand in the same spot on the bathroom floor. I don't know what to think about this. Is Keegan her dad, or is this all just a huge coincidence?

Then, I realize something. Just because I was too drunk to remember who I slept with, doesn't mean the other person was. If Keegan is Aspen's dad, does he remember having sex with me? Does he know that Aspen is his daughter.

Stop Troian. Stop. Saying. Is. You don't know for sure if Keegan really is Aspen's dad. Don't say is. Say might be.

Keegan might be Aspen's dad. If he is, then does he remember sleeping with me at that party? I may have drank too much, but maybe he didn't. Maybe he's known Aspen is...I mean might be...his daughter this whole time. Maybe he looks at Aspen everyday on set and sees himself in her. But wouldn't he tell me?

Now that I think about, there is another thing that Aspen has in common with Keegan. They both have light brown hair that in the right lighting, could almost have a blonde look to it, especially in the summer. Not quite light enough that anyone would look at them and think they have blonde hair, but just when the sun hits their hair a certain way it kind of has a blondish sheen to it.

But that could also be a coincidence, right?

I think back to just after I found out I was pregnant, remembering how awkward it was to go to set and tell Marlene. For the first few months of my pregnancy, Spencer's shirts were always loose or baggy, easily covering my still tiny bump. But as I got further into my pregnancy, loose shirts could no longer cover the growing round bump. We had to stop filming Pretty Little Liars until after I delivered Aspen.

When everyone on set found out I was pregnant, they of course congratulated me, no one brave enough to ask who the father was. They all knew I wasn't dating anyone. I told them the truth, saying I didn't know. And to my relief, everyone was beyond supportive.

I went back to work only a month after Aspen's birth, of course bringing her with me. At first, it was hard. Although I didn't really expect having a newborn on set to be easy. Everyone was eager to help me out, jumping at the opportunity to watch Aspen while I filmed. But hearing my one month old baby cry from another room while I acted in front of a camera was harder than I expected. Of course the multiple people watching Aspen could calm her down most of the time, giving her a bottle or rocking her to sleep. But babies can tell when they're being held by their mothers, and sometimes, just a bottle wasn't enough for Aspen. Many times we had to stop filming so I could go tend to my newborns needs, which of course I would've rather been doing instead. The cast and crew understood that it was sometimes necessary for me to walk away from the cameras and over to my daughter, and I'm thankful for that. Acting came second to being a mother, and it still does.

Of course, it's a lot easier to bring Aspen to set now. Everyone expects her to be there, and they always ask where she is if she spends the day with my mom or dad. They all love to see her, and always want to watch her when I have to film. But when she was a baby, it wasn't so easy. She couldn't be entertained with toys or colouring books, and she cried when she wanted something because she couldn't talk yet. We were often filming until the early hours of the morning, sometimes getting to bed just hours before the sun came up again. But for me, I would still have to get up after I fell asleep because Aspen didn't sleep through the night yet. I was so tired for the longest time. When Aspen started talking and sleeping though the night, everything started to get easier. I wasn't so tired and Aspen didn't cry so much anymore. Life on set was finally starting to become less hectic.

But there's one thing I'm still confused about. If Keegan is Aspen's dad, then why wouldn't he say something, especially after seeing how hard it was for me to balance being a single parent and starring in a Tv show? Wouldn't he want to be apart of his child's life as her father, and not just my friend and coworker? Even if Keegan wasn't ready to be a dad, he still could've said something to me so I wasn't left wondering all these years.

I'm being ridiculous. I don't even know if Keegan is Aspen's dad. I'm making myself angry with Keegan for not telling me he's Aspen's dad, and I have absolutely no proof that he even is. I guess I just want answers so badly that I'm willing to get them anywhere I can, even if it's not a real answer.

There's only one sure fire way that I can find out if Keegan is really Aspen's dad. But there's one problem. It would involve me practically telling Keegan I think he's the father of Aspen, which I'm not about to do. But there's no way it could work without him. You need both people to do a DNA test.