My Diary

I-feel-like........

Yall aren't lonely enough apparently

Are yall even trying ? I don't wanna be rude or anything but maybe some of you dont have friends or can't find friends because you are not trying. First of all, people who write one sentences long post, okay ? What substance are we supposed to get from that. People who send you "hi", that's it. And go on in the most boring moves of "whatsup, wyd". People who CLEARLY don't read your posts. 

And worse people who write posts, you message them a presentation or something related to their post and they respond "hi". Honorable mention to those who "dont like small talk and prefer deeper conversation", not realising that deeper conversation do not start on their own but rather organically. And its not even like they have deeper thoughts, or thoughts at all anyway because they cant fucking talk. Maybe they think asking if alien exist is deep when that is, in fact, also small talk. What do you all want?

I don't always want to write post because its overwhelming and its a waste of time because, even when you clearly state what you're looking for. So I try to message people and even when you think you found someone worth messaging they are the driest, boneless, brainless person.

Its easy to fall into the idea that you don't owe anyone anything, and that's true in a way. But then don't expect people to run after you and do everything for you. We are not your personal jester.

I can't be real, but I can't be fake either. I'm stuck in this in-between space where nothing feels right. I try to show up, to be someone, but it never seems to be enough. Everyone around me seems to have something... a purpose, a talent, a drive. They know who they are or at least know where they're going. And then there's me... just floating, lost, like I missed some secret instruction manual that everyone else got. I feel like a loser, like I'm falling behind in a race I never even signed up for. Every time I try, I end up feeling like I'm faking it and yet when I don't try, I feel like I'm disappearing completely. I don't know how to be something, anything. I don't feel useful. I don't feel like I'm enough for anyone not even myself. It hurts, constantly, quietly. It's not even always loud pain. Sometimes it's just a heavy silence in my chest, a quiet ache that no one notices because I've learned how to hide it. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I just know I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing in a world that keeps moving like I was never meant to be a part of it.

I swear, I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, am I even a person? Or am I just some shell people talk at, someone who smiles and nods just enough to not get questioned? I feel so far from myself. Like I got left behind somewhere and now I'm just running on autopilot, hoping no one notices the glitch. I see people laugh, love, chase dreams, and I'm just here... existing. Breathing, I guess.  

Like I'm screaming inside and no one even looks up. And the worst part is... I don't even think anyone would care if I said this out loud. They'd just tell me to "stay strong" or "it gets better," like that fixes the gaping hole in my chest. I don't want to be like this. I hate this version of me. So weak, so lost, so tired of pretending. I'm constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, like some twisted competition I never wanted to enter. Everyone's doing something, being someone. And me? I can't even make it through a single day without questioning why I'm even here. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow will feel different. But every tomorrow just feels like today in a different outfit. Same weight. Same sadness. Same numbness that eats away at me while I smile and act like it's fine. I'm drowning in silence. And the worst part? I don't even know if I want to be saved.

And it's not just sadness, you know? It's this weird, bitter mix of anger and guilt too. I get mad at myself for not being better. For not doing better. Like I have all these chances to fix things, but I freeze every time. I let myself down before anyone else even has the chance to. It's like I'm scared of trying, because what if I try and still fail? What if this is just... all I'll ever be? I start thinking maybe people would like me more if I wasn't so weird. So quiet. So... me. I overthink every word I say, every moment I exist around others. And after I leave, it replays in my head like a broken record: "You were too much. Too quiet. Too awkward. Too nothing."