My Diary

I-feel-like........

★ I'm scared you still have feelings for one of your exes or your friends

Ok, I'm not. I'm with you

★ I'm scared you find me horrible as a lover as I'm a virgin

Second, I'm happy that we have that in common we never had sex

★ I'm scared to trigger you again

You won't because it comes randomly like today I had a memory of Samantha when I would have sleep overs. 

★ I can't help but wonder why you keep ai photos of your exes

Nate's not my ex and I wouldn't date him. 

★ I'm worried that I won't be able to get to your mom and she will not let you go to EF

This.....I'm a bit confused 

★ I have suicidal thoughts and il scared you will leave me cause of them

I'm sorry for that 

I can't be real, but I can't be fake either. I'm stuck in this in-between space where nothing feels right. I try to show up, to be someone, but it never seems to be enough. Everyone around me seems to have something... a purpose, a talent, a drive. They know who they are or at least know where they're going. And then there's me... just floating, lost, like I missed some secret instruction manual that everyone else got. I feel like a loser, like I'm falling behind in a race I never even signed up for. Every time I try, I end up feeling like I'm faking it and yet when I don't try, I feel like I'm disappearing completely. I don't know how to be something, anything. I don't feel useful. I don't feel like I'm enough for anyone not even myself. It hurts, constantly, quietly. It's not even always loud pain. Sometimes it's just a heavy silence in my chest, a quiet ache that no one notices because I've learned how to hide it. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I just know I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing in a world that keeps moving like I was never meant to be a part of it.

I swear, I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, am I even a person? Or am I just some shell people talk at, someone who smiles and nods just enough to not get questioned? I feel so far from myself. Like I got left behind somewhere and now I'm just running on autopilot, hoping no one notices the glitch. I see people laugh, love, chase dreams, and I'm just here... existing. Breathing, I guess.  

Like I'm screaming inside and no one even looks up. And the worst part is... I don't even think anyone would care if I said this out loud. They'd just tell me to "stay strong" or "it gets better," like that fixes the gaping hole in my chest. I don't want to be like this. I hate this version of me. So weak, so lost, so tired of pretending. I'm constantly comparing myself to everyone around me, like some twisted competition I never wanted to enter. Everyone's doing something, being someone. And me? I can't even make it through a single day without questioning why I'm even here. I keep thinking maybe tomorrow will feel different. But every tomorrow just feels like today in a different outfit. Same weight. Same sadness. Same numbness that eats away at me while I smile and act like it's fine. I'm drowning in silence. And the worst part? I don't even know if I want to be saved.

And it's not just sadness, you know? It's this weird, bitter mix of anger and guilt too. I get mad at myself for not being better. For not doing better. Like I have all these chances to fix things, but I freeze every time. I let myself down before anyone else even has the chance to. It's like I'm scared of trying, because what if I try and still fail? What if this is just... all I'll ever be? I start thinking maybe people would like me more if I wasn't so weird. So quiet. So... me. I overthink every word I say, every moment I exist around others. And after I leave, it replays in my head like a broken record: "You were too much. Too quiet. Too awkward. Too nothing."