My Diary

Wonderful

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In Red Dead Redemption 2, your character, a woman deeply in love with a man known for his rough ways, marries him despite his flaws. She becomes part of his gang but ends up kicked out due to tension within the group. Their relationship is rocky, and conflicts arise frequently. During a hunting expedition with the gang, she embarrasses him, which leads to him angrily slapping her. After an intense argument back at their camp, she leaves to clear her mind. Upon her return, she finds her husband stabbed, adding a tragic turn to their tumultuous relationship.

I don't think you understand how free I feel right now. I'm no longer left to wonder what your intentions were with me. When you'd message me at random hours of the day. When you'd reach out just to tell me to join the call. When you'd reply to my stories and try and peep through the curtains of my life I tried to desperately shut you away from. I don't think you understand how free I feel right now. 

I guess after years of me questioning and building up the courage to ask. You shut it down on my face, it's crazy how you can make the girl you never left alone feel as if she's begging for you. And yes, it might have been a while since you did all that. But despite when we didn't speak, I still saw you. I still saw you. And yes, I have grown so much since we last spoke. Don't you dare think I reached out to you due to desperation or begging for friendship. No, I did not. I reached out after eight months of not talking.

And as much as I hate being vulnerable with people, stupid little me tested the waters by letting you know to say I wasn't left shaking non-stop for ten minutes; to say I wasn't in denial, to say I am not fearful you will pass around a narrative to your friends that makes me look bad would be a lie. I am so fearful, and a little heart broken. 

I didn't think you'd act like this after all this time. I didn't think you'd do this to me. I thought it would be good for me to reach out, considering you accepted requesting you. I did everything in my power to not sound needy. I never thought that you would turn ice cold towards me.

And it's funny how childish a person can be. You actually blocked me right now after the message I sent as a means of figuring out what was going on because yes it's been hard for me. It's been hard for me to forget about the person who did his best to be a part of my life.

I think you forget about the night you confessed to me that I'm different, that you really like me. I think you forget about that day around the table. I think you forgot about that night when we were walking as I ignored all that you were trying to say. I think you forget about the way you looked at me as if I was something you didn't want to lose. I think you forget about the last day you saw me, when your eyes froze in time. 

I don't think you understand how free I feel right now. I said all I wanted to say. And yes, I'm shaking in fear that you will make me look bad...But now I won't spend another week crying over what your intentions were. And yes, I hate that I might still look for pieces of you in everyone that's new. This will make me want to strengthen my relationship with myself. This will make me not regret the chance I did take to let you know...It's just that, I am shaken up by the fact you made it as if I was absolutely nothing to you...As if I made it all up in my head

I know I'll be ok, I just need a minute in silence to put on my heartless act yet again and not let a single tear reach the surface of my face.

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Look, I understand. I really do. I understand how hard it was for you to deal with everything that was happening and not having my support on top of it all. I know where my faults lie and I accept responsibility for the things that I'm responsible for. If I could go back and change things, I would. I know how lonely you felt and how hurt you were, thinking all of the awful things you were thinking and me being all fucked up and unable to communicate effectively.