It's fine, it's just life

Ninteen

Lilly's pov

Waking up I look around. My door closed, my clothes ripped.

I wipe my falling tears.

I feel so weak and disgusted with myself. 

I cry more, hitting my head hard with my hands, angry at myself. I look at my hands to see them still bandage, the only difference is that they're shaking. I cry hitting my head once again.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." I said pulling my hair.

Slowly getting up I walk to my closet grabbing pj's.

Going into my bathroom i close my door behind me. I walk towards the bathtub, turning on the cold water. 

About ten minutes later the bathtub fills up. Turning off the water I walk towards the mirror. 

My eyes are dull, they're not shining. Dried wet tears on my cheeks. Looking down I see hand prints bruised on my ankles, wrist and stomach, along with my...neck. I peel off my clothes then I get into the bathtub laying down, the cold water reaching up to my eyebrows.

After about ten minutes of just laying there I sit up and clean myself.

Twenty minutes later of shampooing, conditioning washing, and shaving I get out rapping a towel around my body.

After five minutes of drying myself I get dressed.

Once i'm done I brush my hair softly not doing it rough as it will damage my hair.

"Such a useless daughter." I hear my mothers voice.

My head snaps towards the door to see her.

"Lilly, Lilly." She says chuckling.

"I'm madly embarrassed to have a daughter like you." She says, I blink back my tears.

In front of me is my own mother, who's looking at me with embarrassment. My whole body shakes with anger, pure anger. She couldn't protect me, she wouldn't protect me if her life was endangered. She was simply going to let me rot.

"I hate you." I whispered.

"You hate me? I hate you!" She shout's laughing.

"You're nothing but an embarrassment who's going to mess up our reputation. I hope you know I worked hard trying to find a man like John! I was willing to mess up marriages to be with a man like John. And not only that but you-my daughter is a druggy. Don't think I haven't seen those drugs, that white powder in those white plastic bags!" She shouts as I look down.

"I'd tell you to go overdoes but if people found out our daughter was a druggy, we'd be dead!" She says as I wipe my tears looking at her, my eyes darkening.

"I'm not your daughter. You've taught me nothing just provided. You weren't there for me when I got my period, you weren't there for me when I did good and had to go to ceremonies, yes you did go but not for me. It was so people thought you where a good mom, but you aren't! You aren't a good mom! You're a shitty mom and I hate you! I hate you so much, and I hope you go through everything I went through and that's how much I hate you!" I shouted as I cried.

I look at her only to see her looking back at me blankly. "Goodnight." She says and walks away. I look at her as she leaves my eyes watering, tears falling down.

I look at my mirror as I cry.

"Mom!" I shout falling to the ground.

"I hate you, mama." I cry out.

"I hate you...mama." I repeated.

"No, no, no." I said as I tried to take deep breaths as I could not breathe. I hit my chest crying as I was not able to breathe.

I take deep breaths still crying.

"I'm okay, i'm okay. i'm okay." I whispered trying to assure myself.

"I'm not okay. I'm not okay and i hate that. I don't want to be here any more. I thought I was able to get through it and hold on tight, but I can't no more. I hate how weak I feel, I hate how I try too hard for them to like me and be the perfect daughter but no matter how hard I try it's all useless. I hate papa for leaving me. I hate mama for not being there for me and not being a good mum, and I hate John. I hate him so much. I can't wait for my birthday for their downfall."  I spoke out loud.

I walk to my bed laying down covering myself.

"And I hate how my teddies are only there for me."

Counted words: 731