More than just Feluda (Fanfic)

Confronting Feelings

What have I done!!

He quickly let go of her, stepping back. She tried to stop him holding on to his elbow, but he went back more.

"I- I'm sorry... I didn't..."

"No, it's alright-"

"I'm sorry. Really sorry."

He nervously ran his hand through his hair and rushed out of the room. She waited for him in the bedroom, not realising when she fell asleep.

Sindhuja found him already gone out when she woke up the next morning. She was confused about all that happened herself, and she knew she must discuss about it with him. But he came late in the evening, almost trying to avoid her the whole time. 

She waited for the time after dinner, when he will have to come to the room. 

After dinner, he slowly came in the room and immediately slipped into bed. Sindhuja followed in some minutes, and saw him asleep on the bed with eyes closed. She tried to call out to him, but he didn't respond. She frowned.

The next day also went in this hide-and-seek, which irritated her even more. It was enough now.

She was going to settle this matter tonight.

Sindhuja came in the room to see all lights except the table-lamp turned off, and him asleep again. But this time she shook his shoulders and woke him up.

"What is it? Can't you see I'm tired?!"

"Enough. I need to talk."

"I was sleeping."

"I know. But I need to talk to you. Right now."

"I'm really sleepy for this..."

"I haven't asked you. I'm telling you. Stop avoiding me."

"I'm not av-"

"You are. And I'm not letting you go on with this any more."

He sighed. "I already told you... I'm sorry about- Whatever happened that day. I shouldn't have done that."

She stared at him with a coldness lined by anger.

He looked away. "I didn't mean to do it."

"You didn't?"

He took a moment to answer, "No."

"But you still did it. Why?"

"I... Don't know... And I don't want to talk about it more."

"But I want to. For how long are you going to continue like this, suppressing everything?"

"I'm not suppressing anything."

"Don't lie. Why are you not accepting your emotions?"

He got up from the bed and walked to the window. So he does accept it.

She continued, "What are you afraid of?"

"Why would I be afraid?"

"Then why can't you face it?"

He sighed loudly. "See, I'm telling you again and again, it was just by accident..."

"So you willingly kiss people by accident?"

"Stop being ridiculous!"

"It's not me who's being ridiculous here, it's you. Since the past several weeks, you've been having swings about me from affection to coldness. What should I make of this? Do you enjoy playing with my emotions?"

He turned to her. "What, No!..."

"If what you did two nights ago wasn't love, then what was it?... Lust? Was it your need for pleasure that took over?"

He looked furious now. "Do you understand what you're saying!?" 

But she didn't care. "I very well understand. You're a man, after all. God knows, if you hadn't got nervous after kissing you might have also-"

"SINDHU!" He snapped.

She froze there out of nervousness, he had never been red with anger like this. 

"Is that what you think of me? After over a year of marriage with not a single night when I touched you like that?"

She still tried to remain cool. "Based on what you said, I'm forced to think that way."

"For heavens' sake! Why don't you understand!"

"Because you aren't explaining." She prayed atleast this provocation would make him open up.

"Because I'm not understanding it myself! I- I've never been so much emotionally involved in any person... I'm afraid of such a relation. What if I can't keep up with the obligations of a husband after involving you in my life? Why should I spoil your life by increasing expectations to a level I'm not sure I could handle?"

"Expectations? I helped you quit your job and follow your passion. Do you think I'll be expecting cars, jewellery and clothes? Believe me, I'm not going to ask for anything beyond you can give."

"See, I feel like I'm forcing you into all this. Obligating you just because we are married now. Tell me honestly, would you fall in love with a reserved, cold man like me, if I wasn't your husband?"

She walked to him. "I would. For all that I've understood you to be beyond that reserved & cold facade."

He poured himself in her eyes and then sighed again.

"It's... Not that easy... What if this is just attraction? What if I'm not really in love? How could I face you if I later realised it wasn't love?"

"You're thinking too much about it again. It's not that difficult either."

"It is, because it means you commit yourself entirely, that's a huge thing."

"What makes you think all huge things must be complicated? Things can be simple and still significant!"

"That would only make a nice dialogue in some movie, Sindhuja."

"Movies are made from our lives. It's really not that complicated; you just have to ask your heart, and accept the answer as it truly is."

He sighed. "Ask my heart."

"I mean, ask yourself."

He thought about it for a few seconds. 

"I really don't have an answer."

That was the end of her patience. "You are shutting away that answer! You don't want to confront your feelings! You, Felu Mitter, are the cold-hearted stone that you are only because your own self forces it upon you. And at this point it also affects me! I'm trying to help you out, but if you want to continue like this, then there's nothing more I can do."

He was listening to her but really wasn't, his gaze fixed on her eyes.

He poured himself into them, and saw his own reflection again in the moonlight. 

Sensing he said nothing, Sindhuja continued. "You can go around fooling yourself, but I want the answer. Do you really regret what you did that night?"

He didn't reply.

She sighed hard and slumped, turning away from him to go back to bed.

But a hand reached out, gripping her elbow and spinning her back to where she stood facing him.