More than just Feluda (Fanfic)

A Confession

1975:

Two days later, he came home in the evening to see her sitting on his desk-chair reading a book in the bedroom. 

"You're here? Free at this time of the day?! Are you feeling sick or something?"

"No. I don't have any work." She said still looking into the book. Something was off.

"What about dinner?"

"Kaka and Tapesh started for Durgapur in the afternoon itself. It's just the two of us for dinner, so wasn't a lot of work."

"And Kaaki?"

"She went to the Banerjees' home. They have their daughter-in-law's Shaad (baby shower), she'd been called for it."

"Yes I knew that, but I thought you both would be going."

She let out a bitter laugh. "You probably didn't listen carefully enough. She was called, not me. No one invites childless women to such things; because you know, I might cast my unfortunate shadow on the baby and mother, that would be a bad omen."

Without waiting for any words of consolation or sympathy or anything else from him, she continued. "In case you haven't noticed, I've been stopped getting called to such baby-showers, Pujas and naming ceremonies since quite a while now. And I'm quite relieved they don't invite me, because I really can't to go around anymore giving fake smiles while silently facing taunts, sneers and doubts on my marriage, womanhood, even myself. 
I'm fed up showing courtesy to people who don't deserve it. To those who like to mock me by pinching on my private issues. The fake sympathy first about my seemingly eccentric husband and then my sad life without motherhood. I'm tired! Tired of it all..."
She slammed the book on the desk and stood up. Pacing to him and in a voice higher than usual, she vented out.

"It might not matter to you as much, but it matters to me a great deal!! Because this stain of childlessness is put on my face, not yours! I'm assumed to be the one at fault, the one with something wrong. I'm laughed at, I'm cast away and looked down upon!; Not you!... The frustration keeps eating me up from inside, and I really can't take it any more!" She collapsed down to the bed at the last sentence and started sobbing. 

He went to her side. When he tried to touch her arm she backed off, but he still held it anyways.

"Sindhu... Look here. I understand-"

"Oh please! I'm tired of those speeches! I know the doctors had said there was nothing we could do about it, that there would be complications because of my other two miscarriages four years ago too, that you understand what I'm going through, you're with me and blah blah....
I know it all... " Saying this she removed his hands off her.

He let out a deep sigh. "I already told you I was in for adopting too."

"We have also talked about this before! Kaka & Kaaki wouldn't accept the child, neither would society. I know we did convince them for things before but that was different; I don't want to waste away any child's poor life fighting to be recognized in our family and outside. That wouldn't work."

"What other solution can you think of then?"

Her gaze shifted to out of the window. "I don't know..."

"Then we have to accept what it is, darling. And hope it changes."

She looked angry again. "How can you be so cool and distant about all this? It's always just me wanting to have a baby, to try again; you never cared a lot about it. Didn't you ever feel sad for lacking a child, didn't you ever want to be a father?"

He stopped for a brief moment, trying to frame the answer. "No no, why wouldn't I? I know you've been through a lot every time-"

"Wait, we're not talking about me here; I'm asking, did you ever want a child? "

There was a pause. "I always wanted what made you happy."

"That still doesn't answer my question."

He sighed again. "It doesn't matter, I always wanted one for you."

Her eyes grew wide with disbelief. "So you didn't want a child. In all the twelve years, you didn't feel like telling me this even once?! All this time I've been wondering why you're so cut-off at such times, I thought you were nervous since the first time my pregnancy went wrong. But here, I learn a completely new story today! I was just forcing you into all this, wasn't I? And you never even let me know..."

He tried to explain, "See, in the beginning I knew we couldn't continue like this with my investigations and all as a profession after a baby. We would have needed to settle down into proper family life, worrying about money for it's education, future... I would have to leave all this and start again like before, which I honestly didn't want to. But yes; later as I settled down here and had to worry less about money, I was very nervous every time you were expecting because I've seen how much pain it's caused you afterwards. I would want a child Sindhu, but certainly not at the cost of your health; you are more important to me.
But... I never told you because I didn't want to destroy your dreams, I didn't want you hurt."

Her eyes filled again. "But my dreams are still destroyed. And in fact, I'm hurt more today. You couldn't trust me and talk about what you want. 
You said you can't lie to me, but you can very well hide things Mitter Babu."

"Sindhu, it's not like that...."

"I want to be left alone. Please."