More than just Feluda (Fanfic)

Looking for Her

There was a knock on the door followed by Kaaki's voice calling out to him. He didn't know how much time he had been down on the floor with her saree.

"Felu?" Kaaki repeated slowly. "Open the door, it's past dinner time. Have some food..."

He said from his place trying to be loud enough, "I'm not hungry."
But his voice had come hoarse and shaky despite trying to conceal it.

There was a moment of silence and he cursed himself. Kaaki would definitely insist on him to open the door now.

And just that happened. "Felu? Open the door!"

"I'll come later, Kaaki!" He sounded alright this time, but Kaaki would not budge now.

"No, open the door!"

He didn't say anything.

"Felu open the door right now!"

He sighed and got up, opening the lock with one hand while still holding the saree in the other.

Kaaki stood there with a covered plate, staring at his reddened eyes and nose.

"I'm not hungry right now." He repeated trying to keep a straight face.

But Kaaki entered his room and carefully placed the plate on the desk. Turning back, she eyed the saree in his hand.

"Felu, we're going to need to give away all her old clothes tomorrow."

"Oh." He also looked down at his hand.

"But... Can I keep this one? Just one, I promise." He pleaded holding the cloth tighter.

Kaaki's eyes glistened. She nodded and he looked away trying to stay composed even if his eyes shone at the bottom and a knot formed in his throat.

Kaaki sighed taking him by the arm and made him sit on the bed.
"When did you last drink water?" She asked handing out a filled glass.

He looked down quietly gulping down whatever was in the glass. Sitting besides him, Kaaki stroked through his hair. He lifted his gaze to look at her. She saw his tear-streaked, heartbroken face and suddenly remembered the little ten-year old Felu after getting down from the train to Calcutta with them, when he couldn't see his parents around.

He too remembered his Kaaki from thirty years ago, stroking his hair tenderly just like his mother used to; feeding him morsels of food when he cried from missing his mother. This was the same Kaaki he was trying to hide away his tears from. More of them pooled up in his eyes as he finally gave up and decided to take down all emotional restraints.

"She left me, Kaaki. She really left me." He said despaired.

Kaaki took him in a comforting hug as he broke down again.
"Am I this bad? Why does everyone go away from me?... First Maa and Baabuji, now Sindhu... Even... even our children every time! Is something wrong with me Kaaki? Am I cursed?"

"No, no Felu..."

"Why then? Why?... What have I done to deserve this?!" He sobbed.

Kaaki just kept stroking his head silently, because she didn't have an answer either.

He sat up by himself again after some time, sniffing while moving his fingers over the weaves of the saree still on his lap. Kaaki put a hand on his shoulder.
"I... I really loved her." he said in a small voice.

"I know."

"I can't live without her." he whispered still looking at the magenta-gold patterns near the maroon border.

"Don't lose heart like this Felu."

"Why shouldn't I lose heart?... WHY SHOULDN'T I?" He shouted at himself.
"SINDHUJA IS GONE... SHE'S GONE FOREVER!"
Then his voice suddenly reduced to whispers again.
"She won't ever come back to me..."

Kaaki stroked his shoulder as more tears came up in his eyes.

"I... I couldn't save her. I fought everyone for her Kaaki, even death... But it won at last... And I lost... I lost my everything to death, again."

He clutched the saree close to himself and buried his face in it again, shaking violently with every sob.

Kaaki patted his head. "Look, I won't ask you to get over it or forget her; it's impossible, I know.
But try. Slowly. You are strong Felu..."

"No..." He shook his head.
"No, I'm not! Everyone keeps saying the same thing... I'm levelheaded, I'm strong... But it doesn't mean that I can't feel anything, that I'm unbreakable!... I can snap down too..."

"You've remained calm, taking care of her all these days haven't you?..."

" I wasn't calm Kaaki... I was tearing apart every day, but I couldn't give up hope looking at Sindhu... She was my strength all this time...
But now how- how will I... What will I do without her?!" He looked perturbed even thinking about it.

"Felu, felu... I know... It's okay..."
Kaaki understood there was no point trying to advise him right now. He needed time. And space.

Stroking his head one more time, Kaaki got up to leave.
"Eat the food." Was all she could manage to say before leaving, putting her pallu to her mouth again.

He didn't look up as the door closed, hunched down.

After some time when he mustered enough strength to get up, he locked the door to his room again and walked to the open window. There he saw his usual solution to anxiety. He picked up a box of Charminar and lighter from the desk besides, and impatiently emptied the box on the table, lifting up one cigarette from it. Lighting and hastily taking some deep drags, he gazed out into the black, unending sky etched with nothing but large patches of pink rain-clouds. The moon hid behind them, or was it a new-moon night?

He had hoped to see the stars above, to feel like he was staring into Sindhu's eyes; and to be comforted by them. But then he remembered; fate, that god up there somehow never wanted to be kind to him.

This wasn't working, Charminar wasn't helping soothe his restlessness. He needed to find Sindhuja, he needed the comfort that only she could ever give him.

Irritated, he closed the window and threw the unhelpful cigarette into an ash tray before walking to the bookshelf. There, in its corner, he found what he needed.

Pulling out a large album with grey, leather-finished hardcover; he flipped to the first page wishing to go in the past again. There fastened on the black paper were pictures from Darjeeling, where the journey of Felu Mitter had really begun. Turning the page over, he found pictures of him and Tapesh from Lucknow. Then, turning over, a small wedding invitation card having his and Sindhuja's name printed with the date and venue; and a few stills of their almost frowning faces with the family. He sighed. She did make a beautiful bride that day, despite him completely ignoring her like a fool back then.

He flipped to the next page, but something slipped and fell from the album. Bending down to pick it up, he realized it wasn't a photo, but a folded paper. He opened it and recognized her handwriting right away. It was much longer than a note. A letter.

Settling on the chair nearby, he kept the album on the desk without looking away from the paper. He held it straight in both his hands and read with furrowed brows...