Scared to Be Lonely - Martin Garrix, Dua Lipa
Wonwoo gave up on the conversation soon enough. He shut his books on the couch, and lifted himself off to go back to his room. Everything around him spun funny for a few seconds when he stood up, but he recovered from it fast enough.
Then it happened again, while he was halfway on the path to the room. His surroundings blurred, and unblurred on repeat, leading him to palm the walls for support till he reached his room.
Wonwoo wondered why his mind seemed to be reeling, realising soon after that he hadn't eaten much since yesterday. A Redbull was the last thing he'd put in his system yesterday afternoon, if he wasn't mistaken.
Stumbling into the bedroom with difficulty, Wonwoo's legs felt more and more numb by the second. With a gasp, he fell onto his bed without many thoughts tormenting him. A few, relishable, moments flew, with his mind absolutely paused and blank.
Until events and thoughts came raging through it once again. Wonwoo didn't think it was fair – how his brain worked when he wanted it to be silent and kept to itself.
Like he'd found himself doing so often in the past forty-eight hours, Wonwoo pondered over just one topic – which brought a million more things to mind: Mingyu.
Wonwoo was entirely aware that he was giving Mingyu quite a wrong, even a blatant, contrasting idea, of how he was, and what he felt, at the moment. But Wonwoo did it deliberately, he didn't want to let Mingyu in on his mind.
Ever since the last proper conversation he'd had with him, Wonwoo hadn't been able to bring himself to talk to Mingyu. Especially since the night two days ago, when Mingyu had returned looking so miserable and exhausted, but Wonwoo had just seen the article that bubbled a new feeling inside – jealousy.
He couldn't deny it anymore; there was no other word that perfectly described the emotion he'd been feeling.
Wonwoo forgot about questioning himself over wanting to trust Mingyu. He wished he could, and that too, easily. If he needed any more proof of the boy's genuineness, his actions from the past months had been more than enough for him to prove to Wonwoo that he was trustworthy.
Then again, Wonwoo had trusted Somi, but it still led to him standing wherever, and in what condition, he was.
Someone might advise Wonwoo to hear Mingyu out, before jumping to conclusions and forming doubts. Wonwoo didn't need anyone to tell him that, his conscience ate him enough on the inside for him to understand.
But he hated that he could't bring himself to talk it out. Conversation had never been his forte, due to obvious reasons, and although he knew Mingyu wouldn't pry in the least, this was one time Wonwoo really hoped he did.
And how could Wonwoo be brave enough to ask Mingyu? After seeing him everywhere with Chaeyeon for the whole day yesterday, he could only imagine one thing: maybe the article hadn't been false like Mingyu claimed. Maybe he was just saying so to lessen Wonwoo's worries, and to see a smile make its way to his lips.
Repeatedly thinking about Mingyu, and how fucked up his life has been, Wonwoo tired himself to fall asleep, hoping no nightmares surface, and lead him to ruin Mingyu's peace any further.
--
Wonwoo lost count of the days his room had been a mess for, mirroring his own self. He worked on autopilot, and a strict routine: waking up, usually before seven, getting dressed and attending his classes, and then returning, exhausted to the bone, just to divert his attention to the work he received from his professors.
If he could, Wonwoo would have always chosen to spend his time after classes in the library, if only he didn't get judgmental looks from the stupid lady behind the librarian's desk, and if the background chatter from other occupants of the place didn't eventually turn into foreground noise.
What confused him the most, was when Mingyu still actively made attempts to make him talk, although the boy looked ready to cry each time. Though all his tries turned to dust as Wonwoo didn't spare him a single glance.
Wonwoo knew he was just ruining the chances of Mingyu ever wanting to talk to him again, but his mind, apparently, hugely overpowered him.
After a long day, Wonwoo rolled into bed with his muscles sore. Somewhere at the back of his mind, Wonwoo was aware that going to sleep tonight might not end well, but he gave in due to sheer fatigue.
He hadn't been able to overcome the thoughts about his parents for the whole day, thinking about how they'd actually looked concerned the day his mum had pulled him back to their house. Wonwoo hoped, quite ridiculously, that they might have changed seeing him on the verge of killing himself.
A scoff, involuntarily, made its way out from Wonwoo's mouth. They'd known about his attempt last year, yet they hadn't mentioned anything about it, nor had they seemed concerned back then.
Willing to slumber to take over him, Wonwoo closed his eyes with a deep breath, and buried himself beneath the covers, having a dreadful feeling about the night's sleep.
