Grief worked in ways that I would've never imagined, it wedged it's way deep into my soul that it felt like I couldn't breathe, I had never imagined something like this would've happened, I thought that I would've had a chance to prove myself, to prove that I would never be like my dad, that I'd be a good mum.
I never got to prove it, I lost the baby, I had lost mine and winters baby, it all hit too deep, I was disappointed in myself, my body couldn't even handle getting pregnant, I wasn't getting any younger and these next few years are my last chance to have a baby, I've always wanted children, when I was younger I always promised myself that I would grow up to have 2 kids it didn't matter what gender just as long as they weren't alone.
I promised myself that I would be the parent that i never had, that I'd been kind, patient, loving and caring which was nothing like my father who was anything but that, I didn't have the chance to prove myself, to prove to myself that I was going to be a good mother but how am I going to be a good mother when I can't even give birth, when I can't even have a child.
It hit too deep, I knew winter would be grieving as well but right now I couldn't look at him, it hurt, we were meant to be parents and my body betrayed us, so I just went to the bar asking for time alone, he obviously agreed, my heart broke for him, he was meant to be a father and I was meant to be a mother yet here I am grieving the loss of our baby.
I stared off into the distance, I felt selfish because I wasn't crying, I had cried on the way here for sure but now it's like something inside me was broken, I was grieving in so many ways it all felt too much, I felt a presence sit beside me but I continued staring on into the distance.
Marjorie spoke my name, I turned my head and said I didn't want a pep talk, she reassured me, only saying she came here to sit here and drink, I glared at her which she quickly added in silence, I turned my head to the side, she spoke again “I'll leave if you want me too” truthfully I didn't want her to leave, I needed her.
I needed a hug, Marjorie had never really hugged me before, I always said no when she asked because I hated them but right now I really needed it, I needed some comfort, someone to tell me it's going to be alright, I needed her to reassure me that I was going to be fine, that I'll get through it.
“Marjorie” I spoke, she said something about leaving, I turned my head to look at her “I think I'll take her hug now.” I added. She looked at me shocked but smiled sadly at me, “come here” She spoke, sitting closer to me and wrapping her arms around me, I immediately hugged her back.
Her arms felt warm and safe, it made me fully relax, tears started to stream down my face rapidly, she stroked my back and kissed my forehead, leaning her chin on top of my head, I sobbed into her arms as she continued holding me reassuring me that I was in fact going to get through this, that she'd be there for me every step of the way.
And then and there I realised maybe I would get through this, then and there I realised that I loved her hugs, they make me feel safe, they make me feel loved as did winters, tears continued streaming down my face yet she hugged me, she didn't let go.
