The pain always hits you when your alone, you don't have to be doing anything particular, it just hits you, it could've been days, weeks, even months that you had felt this overwhelming sadness, it overwhelms you in ways that i can't explain, you start to cry for no reason, you just feel so tired of everything, that what was happening to me right now, I was alone and mia left the country again, she always left, she never stayed.
Maybe that was the reason I was crying but deep down I knew it was not, I felt a ache in my chest and I honestly felt so tired, so fucking tired, why did this always happen when Im alone? maybe it was for the better, so no one saw me like this, so no one saw how truly and utterly broken I was, I was too far gone to be saved at this point.
Every time I breathed I was in pain, not physically, emiotinally, I didn't get why i felt like this, did I deserve this? did I deserve to feel this deep pain aching within, a pain that will pounce when you least expect it, and your left feeling alone and helpless, where you want nothing more than to be gone from this for godsaken world, where you don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to do this.
I am hurt, I am in pain, I wanted to leave but it felt like I was paraylised, my head in my hands as I sobbed, no one was coming to save me because I deserve this, I deserve feeling like this, I deserve everything I feel, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't know what to do anymore, the real me left, its replaced this shell of what I used to be.
I feel as though I need help but I was too scared to ask for it, to tell someone what lays beneath the smile I habour everyday, the pain and the loneliness i felt even when I'm surrounded by people, The what ifs, what if people don't understand, what if i get belittled for the pain that leaves within, I found myself sobbing even more and when a door opens I can't stop sobbing, I want to because I can't let her see me like this but I cant, the pain deep within clutching its way into my heart making me feel so much deeper.
I feel arms wrap around me and I clutch onto mia desperately just like the pain was clutching onto me, I sob into her chest and she asks me whats wrong, I need to tell her, I can't live on like this, I need to tell someone and i do, I tell her, it all just spills out, the pain, the emptiness, I tell her everything.
