In my point of view love felt toxic, it was abusive and uncaring, but as time passed on, I truly did begin to wonder what is love? I never felt it, no one ever loved me, I thought roger had loved me but he was just trapping me, he used to be so kind and caring but he was just trapping me.
As I watched Marjorie and Reece show affection to each other, is love supposed to be like that, is love supposed to be kind and caring, is love supposed to be filled with adoring looks, I didn't know but I wanted to, I wanted to know if what me and roger had was love or was it just manipulation.
Roger always said he loved me, usually it was after he had hit me or used me in a way I didn't want to be used, the first time I cried and sobbed begging him to stop - he never did - after he apologised, he said he loved me, that sometimes it was hard not to control himself around someone like me.
Was that what love was supposed to be? I didn't know but again I wanted too, all my relationships hadn't been long term and full of adoring looks they had been about power, my lovers power over me, everyone seemed to like hurting me, I didn't understand it.
As I watched winter and autumn look at each other, a smile tugging at each other's lips as they just sat in silence holding hands, I wondered once again is that what love was supposed to be? Filled with silence but smiles at their lips and holding hands, I didn't know, I had never experienced them.
As I saw the two couples look at each other with looks of love in their eyes I found myself asking “Is that what love is supposed to be?” I hadn't even realised it had slipped out of my mouth until they looked at me confused completely forgetting I was there.
“What do you mean Siobhan?” Marjorie was obviously annoyed that I was speaking, I looked down and shook my head “Don't worry about it.” I spoke and I walked out the office embarrassed that I'd let my mouth open and those words that I was wondering slip out.
I walked a few steps before stopping and gripping at my stomach leaning against the wall trying to breathe, I hadn't even noticed someone had followed me until I felt a presence beside me “What did you mean back there?” Marjorie spoke, I looked to the side of course it was her that had followed me, her heart was too big.
“What is love?” I spoke confused, I looked at her seeing her confused appearance “You've got to know what love means, you're with roger.” Marjorie spoke back, I sighed leaning my head against the wall.
“I thought what we had was love, that it was normal but then I looked at you and Reece the way he spoke to you was so different from the way he speaks to me and then I looked at autumn and winter, I noticed winters eyes, they were full of love and adoration, he doesn't look at me that way, he apologises over and over again, but he doesn't change, he doesn't try to, he always says that it's hard to control himself when he's around someone like me, but I've had so many relationships like him that I thought it was normal, is it normal to do what he does?” I spoke, I was entirely confused.
“Sometimes love can be showed in different ways, it can be showed through gifts, eyes, and even words.” Marjorie reassured, I shook my head and sighed “He doesn't do any of them, at first he did, I genuinely loved him, I think it's love, but he changed, as soon as I signed everything over to him, he became violent in a way, but I always think it's okay because this is what love is supposed to be, it's normal but with everyone else in relationships it doesn't seem normal” I spoke, looking off into the distance leaning against the wall.
“What do you mean violent Siobhan?” Marjorie spoke, I shook my head “I don't know, he hits me and pushes me around, he shouts at me and it always ends up with us in bed and him apologising, I always say no because he's so rough when he's angry. But if it's normal why is he always so rough in places that don't get seen?” I vented, I looked at her to see her shocked and upset.
“Sorry I over shared-” I was cut off by her “siobhan that is not normal, what he is doing is abusive and rape, you need help-” Marjorie was cut off “Who needs help?” Roger asked and I immediately stood up and looked down to the floor “Sorry I should've came to you, I was just having bad period cramps and Marjorie was willing to help me out” I spoke lying.
“Yes you should've, now come along Siobhan we wouldn't want a repeat of last night now would we?” He spoke which I quickly shook my head too and walked to him.
I was never going to get out of this alive, I know I'm going to die by his own hands one day, and I couldn't do anything to stop it and neither could anyone else, I was officially doomed.
A/n: So credits to DyingStars123 again, what other angst oneshots should I do?
