Ich Liebe Dich, Lena ~ pt 3

☆ Thirty ☆

He wrapped me up in a fluffy towel and held me close. It was so weird what happened to me. I went into this sort of depression trance. I went completely mute, I had no emotion on my face or in my eyes whatsoever and my pupils dilated like crazy. It happened while we were in the bath. I wanted to respond to Lando but I couldn't. Lando looked at me and a couple tears fell from his eyes. I was still able to wipe them away but I just kept looking at him with no emotion. It was as if I was being controlled by something.

"I'm going to take care of you, Lena. Just let me help. I love you, Lena. Please don't shut me out..." he said. I just kept looking at him. I honestly wanted to cry in his arms but my brain wouldn't let me. He let me be. He did his own thing and I just laid on the couch for hours with my mind going crazy with thoughts. Every once in a while he could come over and cuddle me but I just couldn't respond. It got to the point where I couldn't even cuddle him back. I couldn't even feed the twins. Lando had to go out and get some formula for them and basically force them to use a bottle so they would actually have something. He had to cook for me, him and Mirabella and it was literally just microwave meals for us that night because he still couldn't use an oven without burning his whole hand off and setting the fire alarm off 5 times. He had to even put Mirabella to bed while she was cuddling me and I couldn't cuddle her back. I was breaking my own heart but I couldn't gain control of myself again. It took until 3am.

3am he cuddled up to me and kissed me. I finally had control of myself again. We both pulled away at the same time and I looked at him with normal eyes again.

"Ich liebe dich, Lan" I said. I could see the tears building in his eyes.

"Ich liebe dich, Lena" he said. He pressed his forehead against mine and I was basically bawling my eyes out

"It was so scary... I didn't have any control over myself... my brain wouldn't let me show emotion or talk no matter how hard I tried... it took over... it was like I was stuck in a void... I couldn't hear you properly... I couldn't see you properly... I was completely broken..." I said through my tears.

"I know it was dark, Lena. But you're not alone anymore. I'm here now, holding you tight" he said. He wouldn't let go. He had to hold onto me. I had to hold onto him. I saw his hoodie sleeve come up and I saw something I never thought he would do. He must have done it in the bathroom because I saw a few fresh cuts. He actually cut himself... I already knew something was off because it was April and he always walked around the apartment with his shirt off unless it was freezing cold.

"Lan... no... why...?" I said. I couldn't believe he fell for my habit.

"I didn't want you to worry about me too, sweetheart. I'm fine"

"why would you do that...? look at your arm!!!"

"I know, I know. It's just... a small habit I picked up while you were in that trance thing..."

"you're not supposed to pick up that habit even if I do it!!!" I said. I actually knew how he felt every time I cut myself in that moment.

"you're right... I'm not supposed to pick up any of your habits, especially that one. But it didn't hurt, so it's alright"

"Well that's bullshit because you did them so deep that they obviously hurt!!!"

"I'm sorry, love. I won't do it again" he said. I couldn't believe he did that. But I finally knew what pain he went through every time he saw that I cut myself again. I finally knew the emotional pain. It honestly hurts so much to see your partner suffer like that... and to think that Lando had to experience that like a million times during our first year together when I was constantly cutting myself. I felt horrible.