Why am I Alive?

Chapter Nine

"Did you look at your result Isaac?" My father asked angrily. It was result day today and for me it was death.
"I'm sorry" I said
"You're sorry for what?" He shouted
"First we deal with your drama about depression, fine, we cooperate, but then what? You end up giving us this. I never expected this from you Isaac, never. You've disappointed us more than I can say, you failed your mids. What are you doing now a days? What are your activities that keep you too busy to study?"
I stayed quite, looking down, I just wanted to run to my room and cry.
"Answer me Isaac!"
"I'll cover up" I said trying to sound okay.
"What exactly makes me want to believe that?"
"I.. I don't know I'll do it."
"What are your activities Isaac?"
I stared at him not sure how to answer that.
"Answer me what do you do after you get back from college?"
"I.. I just fresh up and..."
"Get to the point Isaac."
"I'll cover up dad I promise"
"You have to Isaac, you have to" he shouted "Now go back to your room and think about how much you've let us down today"
I knew what he was talking about he wouldn't have cared I failed, if it was for me, but was about the competition with his friends son's who studied with me. So yeah he was just worried about himself, after all unfortunately, I was his son and I represented him. Talk about competitions and me always losing.
I went to my room and sat on my bed, staring at my hands with tears in my eyes, I pulled over my sleeves and stared at the cuts on my wrist. I smiled, tears flowing down, I mean look at me, I laughed at myself, what a loser I was.
My phone buzzed, I didn't care to pick it up. I was too depressed. I closed my eyes;
'First we deal with you and your drama about depression.' my fathers word echoed my head. Was I really too bad for everyone? Did I always let everyone down? Why the hell can't I be a normal guy? Why can't I be alright? I was suffering because of her and she didn't even know, yeah why would she care? Why did I ever fall in love with that bitch? I so wanted to go back, redo the past. I so wanted to treat her worst than she did.
The phone ringing again deprived me from my thoughts, I answered it without caring to check who was calling
"What?" I said answering it
"Isaac?"
I checked the screen to confirm, it was Alyna, of course. I placed the phone back to my ear.
"Are you crying?" she asked probably aware of my situation.
"No"
"Yeah okay, what happened?"
"Meet me now, please?"
"Okay, coffee shop?"
"Okay"
"Where are you going?" my mom asked as I was walking out of the house.
"Library" I said playing the trick I knew would work.
"Get back early" she reminded.
I walked to the coffee shop and took the table near the window, she was not there as yet, but I knew she'd show up any moment.
"Isaac" she called out from behind.
I surprisingly smiled seeing her.
"Let's walk?" I asked before she'd even sit
"Okay sure" she shrugged.
So we quietly walked, side by side, I didn't say anything and she didn't ask and I wanted that for a while. Thank God at least she understood, she was someone I wanted on my side right now. She was somehow the only best thing i had.
"Why does everyone hates me?" I asked after a while.
"No one does, they just fail to understand you" she said. Now any normal girl would've asked 'what's wrong or what happened?'
That was that was the thing about her, she was just perfect
"I'm a problem for everyone" I said because she didn't know everything, only I knew what I've been through.
"I don't think so Isaac."
"Then why do they hate me? Why do my parents don't understand? Why can't everything be okay? Where's the happy life God promised me?"
"Ssh... Isaac.. quite" she said pausing me
"Just calm down" she took my hand and we walked towards the bench, she asked me to sit and she sat along with me too.
She didnt let go of my hand and brushed my hairs off my head.
"Isaac" she said, her voice soft "Everything is alright, everything is just fine, I'm here you're here, it will be alright."
"Alyna, I am such a looser, look at me I can't even kill myself. I just can't bring myself to do that."
"You don't have to Isaac and if you can't kill yourself; then to me, you are a champion."
"Why am I even alive?... Why?" I asked her the question I never found the answer for.
"Well, because there's something good waiting for you out there."
"As if I'm believing that."
"Don't say that, you gave me hope. Don't just take it away."
"I'm a loser" I repeated, tears finally making their way out
"That's why I need you. I don't like winners anyway."
"It's just too hard, I can't bear it anymore."
"Just... you don't have to. Let's share it amongst us." she said squeezing my hand and I finally looked at her right in the eyes, I found nothing I was looking for there was no regret, betrayal or anything, there was everything I never saw and there was she who went through a lot; who gave up everything, she was too weak to tolerate even a soft blow of wind.
Yet she, she was a ready to share my shit, she was ready to go to through storms.
"Alyna we will never make it" I said.
She looked at me, "If we don't then we have another option" she smiled "What is that?"
"We die together" she said looking towords the water.
"You see this beach, how deep it'd be once it becomes the ocean. We'll walk towards the beach, first the water is going to take over our feet, and will make its way to our knees, slowly we will be in the water and we will walk deeper and deeper, walk as it reaches our lungs, not even trying to come out, our grips stronger as we'd get deeper inside and our bodies will be a mystery, as the fish would nib over us" She smiled "and it'll end, everything will end, our pains, our worries, everything and us. Whoosh, in a blow of the wind"
I stared at her as she talked, I was blank, there was nothing I could say or I could do... What?
Nothing.
Add up to that?
No.
She made death look so beautiful, so easy!