Why am I Alive?

Chapter Eleven

Alyna: I'm sorry. I could've tried better.

Me: No. You were okay. At least you tried.

Alyna: I guess. Thanks for driving me though. I'll just sleep for a while. So should you.

Me: Yeah, okay.

Alyna: bye.

Me: Bye..

I laid down after a while it was just 8pm, I had an encounter with my mom downstairs, she was mad at me for not answering my phone; but that didn't bother me much. What bothered me was the fact that I failed Alyna. Something had to be done, she didn't even deserve this, why did she even have to go through this. I thought Ifailed her once, didn't I? How could I even think of fixing her again. That would be just breaking her, as I had done before.

I'd just end up breaking the broken pieces.

I closed my eyes thinking again of the pains I brought on her, I of all the people who loved her did this to her. 'Yeah, Isaac never fix things' I told myself 'you destroy them instead of fixing them' I got up not being able to fall asleep, I ruined everything and I couldn't stop blaming myself. I picked up a glass of water and took out my pills, I drained them in.

I had to sleep, to forget things. I had to sleep to forget what I did.

****

I woke up to my phone vibrating, it was 10 in the morning and before I could reach for my phone, I missed the call. I unlocked my phone to see who was calling and I found out I had 6 calls from Alyna. I called her back.

"I was sleeping," I said as she answered the phone.

"Good morning then, can you please come over?" she asked.

I was pretty confused on hearing her voice, accepting her to be broken up, but she sounded as if nothing happened. I didn't know if it was the pills or her. I always loved the games she played, but this one was pretty annoying.

"Isaac!" she shouted bringing me to the present.

"Yeah, I'll be over in 45 minutes"

I got up and failing to do so, I fell on my back again. The pills from last night, were working their way in. Considering the fact, I only slept for hours and I kind of slightly over dosed too. But Alyna wanted me, I told myself that and forced myself to get up. I walked into a shower thinking maybe it would help and miraculously it did. A bit. But it did.

I expected another encounter with my mom as I headed out, but she said nothing and I didn't care to dwell on it again. I know it was one of her emotional strikes. But I had a lot on my mind for another anxiety attack.

Since the car was with my dad, I had to walk luckily she lived nearby. Plus, it was a perfect weather to walk peacefully.

"Hey," she said as she opened her door, her eyes were red, I knew she'd been crying.

"Is everything alright?" I asked, knowing the answer.

"Coffee?" she asked actual closing the door behind her.

"No."

"Oh come on, I know you just got up and came here at least have coffee. I have had 14 cups since last night." she said and she didn't look in my eyes, like she did when she used to talk to me; instead she was trying not to face me.

"Okay then, you have your fifteenth and I'll have my first" I said

"Great. Just come inside the kitchen I don't want to be alone," tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't so I just followed her.

She turned the coffee-maker on and we looked at each other, as the coffee maker worked its way with the beans. I walked towards her and leaned against the shelf, covering our distance. I took her hand at stared at her hand in mine.

"I deserve this, don't I?" She said breaking the silence, her voice hoarse.

I was at loss of words. I couldn't say yes, because she didn't deserve it and I couldn't say no, because if it is a No, then why was it happening to her. I had no answer, an honest one at least. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, it was all that I could give, she broke down, there in my arms and it hurt me more than it'd hurt anybody.

I held her close, my grip strong around her because I feared she'd fall if I let go of her and I couldn't let that happen.

Just then her phone rang, but she didn't answer it, it buzzed again and she didn't care to check. Then it kept on buzzing, I found it on the counter table, and reached for it, holding her still. I glanced at the screen, and looked at it again, not believing my glancing skills.

"Alyna, I think you need to answer this call." I said, she looked up and I faced the screen towards her she looked at me and I nodded she took the phone, answered it, catching her breath.

"Hey" she said and waited for the answer on the other end

"Good" she said "you?" Then she moved the phone from her ear and placed it on the table, turning the speaker on.

"You left your number the other day on the table and I thought maybe I could call" he said on the other end.

Alyna looked at me clearly confused "I..." she said and I smiled telling her to go on with the flow

"Yeah I did. Thank you for calling in."

"I am finished with my exams and I have nothing to do for two weeks. I was thinking if we can, you know, grab a coffee or something." he asked and this time I stared at the phone to make sure we were really on a call with him or it was some trick played by the communicating system.

"Umm, yeah, that would be great."

"Yeah? You can bring along that friend of yours too"

"I can?" she smiled looking at me

"Yes" he said "He seemed kind of a nice guy."