Why am I Alive?

Chapter Ten

"Isaac?"

"Alyna..." I said as we stood by the beach, my hands wrapped around her waist from the back, holding us together.

"Let's die"

"What's wrong?"

"Its Mom's anniversary tomorrow"

"Do you want me to come over? We can talk or read together?" she sighed

"Do you think that will make me forget everything?"

I looked at her for a while, "I think you should talk to your brother."

She let go of my grip "No Isaac, I can't, you know that."

"How long, Alyna, how long will you hold out? How long are you going to let it eat you?" I protested

"I don't know, maybe, that's why I want to die."

I looked at her. Two weeks ago she told me not to give up, she told me that I was a champion at not losing to death and here she was wanting to die, "You can't let your fears win, Alyna, you have to face them, go to your brother for me, do it for me, if not for yourself."

"I.. I" she started to say, but I interrupted her

"Do you love me or not?" I said playing the oldest trick and hoped it would work.

She sighed, I knew she gave up.

"Isaac, I just can't."

"I'll drive you. Okay?"

"And what will you tell your dad?"

"I'll have to manage it with him, but don't worry I'll handle it. It's okay"

She smiled. A fake curve.

We met at the coffee shop as promised,

"The first question of the night, how did you make it out?" she asked as I walked into the coffee shop.

"Sleepover had to talk a friend into it."

"Oh the things you do for me." she smiled "I'm sorry"

"No need to be, life happens, let's go and make your life happen now"

"Yeah right, good luck."

"Break a leg."

"Okay" she smiled, or trying to at least; as she hung out the keys to me,

"You are driving" she said.

"Sure" I said taking them and walked towards the driver seat

"You're okay?"

"No" she said

"Don't worry" that was the least I could offer. We had six hours of drive to where her brother lived, in a weird city, more because it had a weird name that I'd forget to remember every next minute.

The first hour; I was telling her it's okay and that everything will be alright.

Second hour she told me everything again; how did it hurt, why it still hurts.

Second hour and exactly 45 minutes she fell asleep

Third hour she was asleep.

Fourth and a half hour she was crying, she wanted to turn back and she said she couldn't do it.

Sixth hour was trying to calm her down, I promised we'd never come back, if it did not work out. I promised we would never talk about this night again. I made promises until I parked the car in front of a huge house that once, I assumed used to be hers too. I got out from the car and opened the door on her side, I bent down on my knees and took her hands

"Alyna, it's going to be okay, you got here and you can get further from this too."

She was quiet, she didn't have to say anything; I could see, I could read what she never wrote, I got up and pulled her out as well. We both stood in front of the house, tears in her eyes. She was dead. Dead. I could do nothing for her, I could feel it now, how broke she was. It was all happening, I... I was nothing in front of her, I was nothing but a over-sensitive spoiled guy, she was the one really dead, she started walking and I followed her. She let go of my hand as she rang the doorbell. A chubby boy wearing glasses, his hair neatly combed up, I guess, and I was right, yep her brother stood in front of us. He looked at her then at me and back to her,

"Don't close the door, just listen to me once." Alyna said as he was about to close the door.

"I have heard enough." he said, he was calm or at least he seemed to be.

"Just please." Alyna protested.

"Fine." he said and moved away opening the door to let us in. She followed him inside and I followed her in, she looked around the house as if collecting memories from the parts of the house.

"Who are you living with?" she asked. "Grandma" he said "Sit"

Alyna sat, so did I and so did he.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Good" he answered not caring to ask about her.

"This... this is Isaac" she intoduced me, I was just about to put that 'hello smile' but he said "okay" not possibly caring much.

"So you wanted to say something?"

"Yeah" she said and then stopped. I thought it might be probably me who was confusing her and leaving her was the best option maybe she wanted to talk to him on her own, so I started to get up, but she reached for my hand and looked at me saying she needed me.

"What?" he said, then she let go of my hand and looked at him

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, I know, I know it was my fault, everything was my fault and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"He left" he said "didn't he?"

She didn't say anything instead looked down at her feet

"I've been through a lot, can you please...please forgive me; you are the only one I have, I have lost everyone."

He looked at her, "You did this to you" he said "Anything else?"

Tears flowed down her cheeks, "Nothing"

He stood up,

"You know the way out." he said and left. A few minutes later she got up and said "Let's go" and I followed her out.

"I think I forgot the keys" I said as Ii patted my pocket "I'll be right back" I said opening the door again to go back. While Alyna waited for me outside, we drove back 6 hours with silence. They were the most difficult 6 hours of my life. She was done I knew it, and this time I was the reason she got this wound.