Pretend To Be Mine | Namjin FF ✓

mine to yearn

Seokjin:

We returned to my apartment with Hoseok. I don't quite remember how we left the hospital; I just recall Namjoon running after me, trying to talk, but Yoongi stopped him. It was the right decision because I can't face Namjoon right now.

I can't stop thinking about the blood and the gunshots.

As soon as we got back, I took a long shower. Blood was everywhere—on my cheeks, in my hair. It still feels sticky, my hair stiff with dried blood.

I freaked out, covering my mouth to stop myself from screaming as I saw the blood washing off my body. They must have removed my blood-soaked clothes, stained with someone else's blood—someone my boyfriend killed.

I slid down against the wall, sitting under the shower. My mind was frozen on those scenes. How could Namjoon do this? How could he lie to me and kill people, even if they were bad? Namjoon is just as bad as them.

I don't know how long I sat there, trying to wash the blood away, until I heard a knock on the door.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Hoseok called. I'm not okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay after what happened.

There was a gun at my temple. I was so close to death, all because of one person.

“Yeah,” I said through my parched throat, standing up to turn off the shower and pull clothes over my wet body.

I went back to my room.

“Hyung, I got you dinner,” Hobi said. It was dinner time, but my stomach was so full. Just one more bite would make me vomit.

I told him I just wanted to sleep. He sighed, nodded, and took the tray of food away.

I stood in front of my mirror, staring at my reflection. The person looking back was unrecognizable. My eyes were wide, like I hadn't slept in days. Even a child could see that I had narrowly escaped death.

My eyes drifted to the necklace dangling around my neck, and tears welled up. He lied about this too. He said it meant "my rose," but it was his mob name. I wanted to throw it away, but I couldn't—it felt like the only piece of him I had left. I don't know why I want him back. I was right all along; he is an asshole. He was terrible for my heart and my health, but I fell for him like a fool.

And that same foolish heart still wants him. I love him, so how can I hate him? He's the only person I've ever loved this deeply, and I don't think I can change that.

I hate that I can't hate him. I want to hate him. I shouldn't love him; he's just too bad. But I don't hate him, and it's making me furious.

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Namjoon:

How can they not let me talk to him?

How can they say I have to stay away from him for at least a month?

Are they all mad? Don't they know I'll be dead if I can't talk to him? I'll be dead if I can't see him or hear his voice. I'll be dead if he doesn't tell me himself that he's okay. I promised I would protect him. He needs me—no, I need him more than anything else.

“Namjoon, try to understand,” Yoongi said when I refused to stop ranting about seeing Jin.

“Fuck you. I can't understand, not when it comes to Seokjin. I need to talk to him, Yoongi. I'll lose my mind if I don't see him in person,” I said, standing up so forcefully that the chair banged to the floor.

“Don't be like this, Namjoon. Come to your senses if you want Seokjin back,” he said, holding me by my shoulders.

“I can't. I need to see him, Yoongi. I need him to tell me he's safe,” I said, frustratingly tugging at my hair.