Pretend To Be Mine | Namjin FF ✓

mine to want

Seokjin:

"Hyung, please eat something." I sighed as Hoseok asked me this same question for the hundredth time.

I sat up straight and looked at the food. It was just sandwiches and a small container of ketchup. The sight of the ketchup made me want to throw up again; it looked too much like blood. Blood everywhere around me.

I shut my eyes tightly, but it didn't help. I could still see it in my mind—blood on my head, cheeks, Namjoon's hands, my shirt.

"Take it away," I said, pushing the tray out of my sight.

"Hyung, you haven't eaten anything. I've tried everything. What do you want to eat? Please, eat something." Hoseok was on the verge of tears. He was right; he'd practically given me everything he could cook or order, but I just couldn't bring myself to take a bite.

I'm so pathetic. I buried my head in my hands.

"I'm so sorry, Hoseok. I'm trying," I said. I'm trying to keep my mind away from blood and gunshots, but I can still hear them and see the blood even when I try to distract myself.

My mind is filled with just blood, gunshots, and Namjoon. I miss him so terribly, and I hate myself for it.

"It's okay, hyung. Fine, I'll get you something to drink," he said and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him tightly, but it wasn't as comforting as it was with Namjoon. I miss Namjoon. I want to hug him, to hide in him, to cry in his arms.

"It's not good, Hobi. It's not good. I still want him," I said, crying even harder. I'm so pathetic. I have to stay away from Namjoon, but I want him so desperately. My heart hurts. There's so much heaviness in my heart; it hurts. I want Namjoon.

"It's okay, hyung," Hobi whispered, but my tears kept falling. It’s not okay. Why did I have to fall so deeply for him that I can't help but want him, even after he lied to me and betrayed me?

"Is it so wrong that I still want Namjoon even though he lied to me and betrayed me?" I asked, looking up at Hobi. He sighed and shook his head. I pulled away from him and wrapped my arms around myself.

I should get out and think clearly. No, I should sleep. No, I should cook something to distract myself. I want Namjoon. He's not near me, and I want him here. I love him so much that I can’t hate him. I should hate him. He betrayed me. He lied to me.

"Hyung!" Hobi called, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concern etched on his face. I shook my head. No, I'm not okay.

The doorbell rang, and all my senses went on high alert. Is it Namjoon? Why is he here? What does he want to say after betraying me?

Hobi went to the door, and my heart pounded in my chest.

After a moment, Tae, Kook, and Jimin entered the room. I sighed in relief. It was good that Namjoon didn't come; I'm not in the mood to see him right now.

"I'm going to my room, hyung. Call me if you need anything," Hobi said, his face strained like someone he didn't like had just entered the room.

He left, and I spent time with my friends. They asked the same questions—how am I, am I feeling better? I gave them the same answers I’ve been giving Hoseok, which are far from the truth.

I think I’ll never be okay again.

༘⋆🌷•💭₊˚ෆ

Namjoon:

"Namjoon, don't do it! You'll regret it later," Yoongi yelled at me, but I couldn't stop.

Mi vida said he still wants me, that he’ll listen and understand. I ran to my car, pushing Yoongi out of my way, and drove to his house. My heart was pounding in my chest. It had been three days since we last spoke, and I felt like I would go insane if I didn’t talk to him now.