Not all parents love their children / Clorscha

Chapter 11

The days passed and no one had seen Sorscha since the fight. But at least they knew she was still alive.

Sometimes there was a light on in the house and Clodagh could see it from her guest room at her in-laws'.

Clodagh was on her computer, looking up flats. She didn't want to burden Rick and Mimi forever. Even though she knew she could stay here as long as she wanted.

But there was one thing she was avoiding. She realised that sooner or later she would have to talk to Sorscha.

She didn't want to keep her daughter from her forever. But there had to be firm rules.

Clodagh didn't want to, but she had to start looking for a divorce lawyer.

The thought of her daughter's first birthday coming up and having to celebrate it with a broken family made Clodagh feel sick.

She never wanted that for her child. A broken family. But apparently history was repeating itself.

What was even worse and what she didn't want to think about anymore. Was that Quinn had spoken her first word. Ma. And Sorscha wasn't there.

Enough for today, she thought and closed the laptop.

She went downstairs to the kitchen, she needed a glass of water.

Mimi was there in the kitchen. She was baking a cake.

"Oh, do you need anything?" she asked in a soft voice.

"Just some water..." Clodagh took a glass and filled it.

" Clodagh..... I want you to know that we don't blame you. It's more than understandable that you left."

"But it doesn't change the fact that my guilt is eating me up," Clodagh whispered.

Mimi looked at her sympathetically. " Clodagh.... You've been carrying all this alone all these months... You had to think about the safety of Quinn and you.... as hard as it is for me to say... But Sorscha is a danger right now..."

Clodagh watched Mimi, it must be hard to have to say something like that about your own daughter.

"Is Rick back at our..... at Sorscha's house?" Clodagh asked.

The older woman nodded. "He's been sitting outside the door for hours, hoping she'll come out..."

" Oh God... it's all my fault..." whispered Clodagh.

Mimi looked at her, startled. "No. Please don't tell yourself that."

"Yes, it is! My God, Mimi..... I should have gone to the police! I should have told the youth welfare office after my father attacked me. But no! I kept my mouth shut! I had to be the good Christian girl my mum always wanted me to be!" She ran her fingers through her hair and started to walk around restlessly.

"You were a child! Intimidated by your parents. Nobody could have expected them to do something like this one day." Mimi tried to calm her down.

But Clodagh just shook her head. "Sorscha knew it. She warned me again and again. Do you know how often my parents came to our door when we were still living in Dublin? Do you know how many times they talked to me and put this idea back into my head that I was sick! I was on the verge of leaving Sorscha and going back to them several times! But every time Sorscha stopped me..... She made me realise that the love we have is not wrong.... And how do I thank her for that.... I let my parents, destroy her, the love of my life....." Her voice failed at the end.

Mimi approached her cautiously. " Clodagh.... It's not your fault..." she took her in her arms. "You two were made for each other, you'll find your way back to each other..."