How to Survive Your 19th Life [BL]

Chapter 68: Deep Waters

"I love you," I said, looking at Emiel's hazel, mascara-smudged eyes.

Again. Here again. Back again. Dead again. Alive again.

My vision blurred for a moment, and I found myself touching my throat.

Gone again. Healed. Again.

"Solomon?" Emiel said, standing close to me now. He placed a warm palm against my cold face. I leaned my face into it, smelling the familiar scent of a sweetened Emiel.

Nice again. Calm again.

I wouldn't be able to manage sex. Again. I couldn't bring myself to do that with him, not after how long it was that I was cycling death. Not after I saw Henri like that. But my energy was gone. I was fully replenished as usual, but my spirits were used up. I felt drained of life. Maybe this was the consequence of letting myself die by his hand so many times.

My next few days were much like my prior life, except I made an effort to talk to my parents. When I called Henri after staring at his number for hours, the sound of his voice brought me to my knees in sheer relief and sorrow. He didn't know what just happened to him, how he suffered. I alone carried the weight of that memory.

Emiel didn't confront me about my aloofness. I could see the worry in his face when we spent time together, but there was no mention of my condition. This was playing out similar to last time.

It was because I didn't want to suffer anymore that I decided to kill myself. I didn't want to risk my friends or family getting hurt because of me. I didn't want to feel the pain of being cut, burned, drowned, beaten, or stabbed. I was tired of being so scared all the time.

I sent texts to Malai and Tariq that we would go have movie night at Malai's house. I also texted Emiel that I would come over to his place after studying, and to cook something delicious for me. I didn't want to run into any of them since my resolve was weak. It felt foolish after so many deaths to have a pull towards wanting to live still.

I wrote a letter to my parents, asking forgiveness for my failings and to continue on living. I wrote to my dad to keep fighting his cancer, for me, and to be brave while I was gone. I cried like a baby while I wrote it. Misery settled heavily on my shoulders when it was done. I made sure to mail the letter to them before I headed out.

A strange thing, planning to die. Luckily I had a tried-and-true option available.

Perkins Library.

Emiel launched me off the fourth-floor stacks twice and I died upon impact. This time should have been no different.

I went to the stacks as I did numerous times before and climbed up to the fourth level. The view wasn't intimidating as I expected. If anything, a sense of calm eased my pulse. Without ceremony, I walked over to the balcony and launched myself right off.

A feeling of weightlessness came over me. A certain thrill did too. Finally, I would die by my own hands. At least this would be painless as well, well except for the initial crack. I closed my eyes on the way down, hearing a scream moments before my body crashed into the floor below.

More screaming. Shuffling. Running.

Then darkness.