How to Survive Your 19th Life [BL]

Chapter 10: The First

I wanted to hate Emiel in that moment. I almost did. He stood there with those piercing hazel eyes boring into my soul as if he had any right to judge me. But instead, I hated myself because he did have a right. He was in that photo too. My face burned.

A few students walked past us in the hallway of the Campus Center, eyeing the pride cookies but glowering at the price.  One stopped, consideringly, but then I started packing up and she left. It was almost time to go anyway, no one would notice if I dipped out now. The leftover cookies would be donated to the shelter for their Thanksgiving dessert table. 

I grabbed a box from under the table and began dumping the cookies into it. 

"I'm sorry," I said, keeping my eyes on the task at hand. The memory of him and Shiva caused me to flinch. "I don't know why I did that to him, or to you. I shouldn't have."

"Why were you back there?" he asked.

I froze for a moment.

He asked again, "Why were you back by the meeting rooms?"

Once I was done loading all the cookies, I began breaking down the banner and folding it. I glanced back at Emiel and found him folding up the tablecloth.

"I was looking for you," I said, feeling even more ashamed. I put the banner into another box and Emiel did the same with the tablecloth. Our hands brushed. My entire body trembled at the memory of those hands all over me in the woods.

"Tell me why, Solomon."

I clenched my jaw. Annoyance trickled up my spine. Even the way he said my name had my mouth watering. So I decided to just come out with it... spill it all and be done with him and this whole situation. "I was desperate to talk to you. Well, beyond desperate. I was obsessed or something because you are incredibly attractive. And you confused me in the woods when you... you know. I am a rational guy, but when I think about you... you know." I rubbed my neck and sighed. "I was fixated on you. And when I saw you and my roommate, I did something stupid and dramatic."

"Sounds like you're over me now."

I met his gaze. I never had anyone look at me the way he was looking at me now, so open and vulnerable. It wasn't quite sadness. Disappointment maybe. I couldn't tell. Either way, it made me frustrated.  

"Well, yeah," I said blankly. "I did a shitty thing because I was drooling over you."

"I know." He paused. "And?"

"And? Aren't you mad at me? Don't you want to punch me or something?"

Emiel laughed. His face lit up like Christmas lights. I held onto the table to keep myself from being swept away. "No. I'm not mad."

"What about Shiva? You said he dropped out of school."

"Out of this school, I meant. He's at Yale now with Joanna. Convinced her to take him back. Finally came out as bisexual too."

I blinked. "What?"

"Don't beat yourself up too much, Solomon. I did a shitty thing too. I knew Shiva had someone."

I nodded. Of course he did. All Shiva ever talked about was Joanna.

"If anything," he murmured, stepping towards me and bumping into the table. "His life is much better now that he is out of the closet. It just took a few months of turmoil." This was a stretch and Emiel seemed to know it. We stood there in silence for a few moments. His eyes sank into a shadowed expression. He reached one hand out to me. I backed away. What the hell was up with this guy?

I grabbed both boxes and excused myself. My need to get away from him increased by the second. I wasn't sure why, just as I wasn't sure what drew me to him so obsessively last year. The further away he was, the more I wanted to be closer to him. But once he was close, I couldn't stand it. It was like I would burst into flames. 

Just like in the woods, when his hands snaked around me. It was the single most erotic moment of my entire life, but also the most terrifying. If I got too much of him, I would burn or drown.

So I ran away.