this is literally hot trash so sorry about that, i was in a bit of a rush but yeah. ill probably remake it later.
—When i felt an arm around my waist upon waking up i was immediately alarmed until i remembered that my maybe ex boyfriend came home drunk last night. ive been dating slash for over two years now and due to both of our mutual issues, we havent said the l word yet.
but he did last night. last night we were in the living room dancing to a song on the radio and he said it and i got scared and i didnt say it back. he left without another word and didnt come back till 2 this morning. it was currently around 8. i stayed up crying until steven brought him back and he was completely wasted.
i took him to bed which took a while considering he was babbling about how he loved me and i didnt love him. so yeah, there that.
the sun shone through the open window, casting an ethereal glow across slash's face. a few curls framed his face. the comforter was pulled down to his waist exposing his beautifully toned upper body. one arm was under the pillow by his head while the other was holding my hand. i was tracing his veins when i came back from getting a bowl of cereal about 30 minutes ago and he laced them together then.
i start thinking about how upset i was last night when he left. how worried i was when he hadnt come back. what my life would be like if he hadnt been there two years ago. two years ago, i had just started doing heroin with nikki and he pulled me out of it before i could get too hooked to it. and we helped each other get off coke.
if slash wasnt in my life, id be alone right now. actually, i might be dead. if i had to wake up every morning without seeing his face or feeling the weight of his arm over my waist or his hand being in mine i think i dont know what id do. especially now, after ive experienced this. i think now that i know what its like, i might kill myself if i had to.
living alone is not easy. being emotionally alone is even harder. im happy with myself as a person and what ive accomplished in life. i think my therapist is full of shit when she says 'you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.' thats complete and utter bullshit because we were not created with the intention of forcing us to live solitarily.
and because of a bad experience with a boy when i was 14, i mightve caused the one man ive ever really felt this strong of an emotion for, to leave. if slash leaves me, i dont know what ill be reduced to. and i know ill never find a love like this one again. and i also know that i am in love with saul hudson and i regret ever questioning that, even if it was for just a second.
i go to pull my hand away from slash's so i can wipe my eyes but his hand tightens around mine. i make do with the one hand, trying to muffle the sobs bubbling in my throat. slash groans as he sits up. we separate our hands, both wiping at our eyes and i pull my knees up.
im anticipating him getting up, packing his stuff and leaving. and i wont stop him because its what he should do. i mean, come on, who wouldnt? you say you love your girlfriend of almost two and a half years and she doesnt say it back and your gonna stay?
my cold rings scrape against my cheeks as i aggressively wipe them with one hand so i can tie my hair up. im trying to breathe deeply like slash told me to when i felt like i was having a panic attack. i rock myself slowly as slash gets up and presumably goes to the bathroom because i know hes not leaving the house looking like that.
by the time he comes back in ive gotten my almost panic attack down to breathing and rocking and crying like a crazy person. but im confused when, instead of getting dressed or taking a shower, he climbs back into bed. "your not leaving?" i manage out a couple words
"i couldnt leave if i wanted to, not until i knew you were okay," he tells me, grabbing my hand and i let him pull apart my fist to see four deep crescent shaped gashes across my palm.
"your s-supposed t-to be ma-ad at me," i hiccup.
"why would i be mad at you?" he asks softly, rubbing his thumb above the gashes in my hand.
"because i d-didnt say it b-back," im trying to keep my gaze on the butterflies on my pajama pants.
he sighs and i can see his face out of the corner of my eye. hes thinking about what he wants to say, what he should say and what hes going to say. "im not mad that you didnt say it back. i have a hunch i know why you didnt. im sorry i left-"
"no dont apologize i should-"
"no you shouldnt, just let me finish," he runs his free hand from his messy curls and he sighs before speaking again. "i shouldnt have left the way i did, i shouldve let you talk but i was so upset that you didnt say it back, and i assumed that you didnt love me at all."
"you caught me off guard and i was going to say it back but you left before i could explain why i didnt say it back," i say softly after i sniffled. "but i was going to. i do love you. a lot."
he licked his lips, eyes flickering to me. he reaches forward, one hand going to the back of neck and the other to my cheek as he pulled my lips to his. his hand behind my neck slips just a bit as his thumb reaches my chin to push it upwards towards him to deepen the kiss. when he pulls away, he looks at me like im the most amazing thing hes ever seen. "say that again."
"i love you."
he kisses me again, deeper this time and we both fall back against the sheets. "im sorry for leaving," he says between kisses as his fingers lift my tank top off.
"dont be, it worked out," i whisper back after he pulls it over my head.
needless to say we stayed in bed the rest of the day.
