"We never talked about the other night," slash blurts out randomly. "Before the show."
Oh.
"What about it?" i notice the tiniest shake in my voice but im choosing to ignore it although im cursing myself for it.
I dont want to talk about it, i hoped we'd both forget about it. Im pretty sure all this conversation is gonna do is make it awkward for both of us. We'd been carrying on like normal, arguing over stupid shit, not acknowledging the private moment of weakness in favor of keeping the semi-peace we had going. And he wanted to fuck that up now?
"We just-" he pauses and i'm not sure if its because hes regretting starting this conversation or if he doesn't know what to say. "I don't know, man. I don't really do relationships. Aren't we supposed to talk about it?" he leans back onto his hands, tilting his head to look at me.
"We don't have to,'' I shrug, hoping that's all it takes for him to drop the subject. But of course, he doesnt.
"I think i want to," he mumbled so quietly i almost missed it. It was almost like he was assuring himself that that was what he wanted. I mute the movie i had previously been watching as he says it again but louder this time, more sure. "I want to talk about it."
Im not sure how to react so i simply pull my pajama pant covered legs up below my chin and watch the man before me. I try not to think negatively but i do it anyways. i, as much as i hate to admit it, really like slash. Way more than i ever wanted to like a person and i hid that through hostility. I dont think i could come back from a reaction like the one that i have planned out in my head.
All my thoughts come to a screeching halt though as slash speaks again. "Like you said, we dont have to, but i just- i cant stop thinking about it I think i need to talk about it, and you dont have to say anything but if your okay with it, i think we should."
I can feel the cracks beginning to form in my heart before it even starts, almost hear it in my ears. It also makes me feel bad that even though ive been such a bitch to him, hes still making sure that im ok. That im comfortable with what hes about to do.
"Im good with it,"i start but i pause when slash readjusts his position and comes to sit criss cross in front of me. If i mirrored his position our knees would be touching and i can smell his cologne from the proximity. "W-what part of it did you uh, need to talk about?" although im trying to keep my anxiousness locked away, its become obvious through my stuttering and the shaking of my hands.
He pulls his hair back with one of the hair ties on his wrist before he speaks. "I just have question. Like was it a one time thing? Do you regret it? Do you wanna pretend it never happened?" and now that hes started firing off questions, my anxiety becomes worse and im starting to worry about the rising possibility that im going to start crying. "Because, fuck- can i be honest, angel? I think id rather die than pretend i didnt kiss you."
I have to sit quietly for a minute to let his words sink in and as i do, i can see my tell-tale signs become apparent in him; hands shaking, lip chewing and fiddling with his jewelry. Im considering my words carefully before i speak because if i say what i really think im about to say, this is going to change everything for both of us. Well- technically that happened the night he kissed me but this is me admitting it outloud.
"I dont want to pretend it didnt happen," i start, i force myself to make eye contact and keep it even though the intensity of his brown eyed stare makes it hard. "I dont regret it. At all." i pause again before i say my last sentence. This is the nail in the fucking coffin for me because this is a damning confession. And i now he can hear the hesitancy in my voice once i start to speak again. "And i really really hope that it wasnt it a one-time thing."
