this is based on the pamela documentary and my new book, escapism which is a motley crue book (GO READ IT IF YOU HAVENT YET)
this kinda sucks but like its alright, kinda sad tho
"it was 1976," I start, glancing at the polaroids on the table. once of nikki and i stuck out, it was taken from our first date. i was wearing a black long-sleeve dress with my black platform boots. the white frills of my socks sat just above the edge of the boots, right below my knee. my hair was curled in an airy blowout and my smile was huge. nikki's arm was around my waist and the woman that took the photo had to have been at least in her 80s.
"we met when i went in the record store on my lunch break, i worked at the flower shop next door," i smile back at the memory. "i bought aerosmith's rocks album and he asked me if i liked sabbath. i said i did. he asked me if i was doing anything tomorrow night and i said no. he asked if he could take me out, i said sure and we went to see 'the town that dreaded sundown'."
"after that, it was just a happy blur." the pictures on the table are making me too emotional for my liking. they pushed a vhs tape into the player and nikki and i appeared on screen. the video was recorded in '79 in january. it was a freezing 42° outside. maya had taken the video of us sitting on the couch, cuddled into a blanket. we were laughing and what not. it was bittersweet to watch.
"i felt something i'd never felt before, with him. we couldn't stay away from each other. i was positive that he was the love of my life," i sigh, a sad smile forming on my lips. "we stayed together for way longer than i think anybody anticipated. in 1978, we'd released out first album and he told me how proud he was of me. it felt good to know i did something that made him proud."
"i always felt bad... he never had good luck with bands. the day london broke up, he met tommy. he asked me to come with him when they talked about starting a band."
another photo; this one was of nikki and i sitting on the balcony of our apartment in 1981. i was playing guitar and he was working on bass, we were writing songs. some went to our album, some to his. "by june of '81, we'd moved into a house about 10 or so minutes away from where i used to live. one morning i was standing in the kitchen making breakfast when something in the paper caught my eye; an ad. it was for a guitarist and i called nikki, i said 'hey honey, come in here for just a second' and he's not a morning person so he groaned and he stumbled in there. i handed him the paper and we had mick over the next day."
"we are in cancún right now," i tell the camera.
"whats the date, baby?" nikki asks, coming to stand beside me as we lean against the balcony of the hotel. it was our five-year anniversary and we put together the money we'd both been saving up and decided on cancún.
"it is december 7, 1981." when i flip the camera from the ocean to face us, nikki takes it and holds it up so that it catches the entire shot of him leaning down to kiss me.
"we were together for eight years, almost nine. we broke up in march of 1985 when he first started doing heroin."
the next photo was one of me in july of 1985 holding an award for our third album. "we were on our third album, they were on the second. tommy kept in contact with me, told me how they were and everything. it was painful- knowing what he was doing to himself and not being able to help. there was always an inkling in the back of my mind, something bad was going to happen."
december 23, 1987
"i couldn't sleep. abi, maya, and her daughter, willa. we were staying together for christmas and i just had a bad feeling. i went downstairs and cut the tv on and the news was talking about nikki sixx. i was about to change the channel but i didnt. when it came on that he'd died, i started crying. i was in hysterics by the time the phone rang. when i picked it up, it was tommy. he barely managed to get out that nikki was alive."
"he asked me to come down to the hospital so i did. i left a note on the counter for maya, just reading that i'd be back soon. when i got there, tommy was still pretty upset. so was vince. they both hugged me and tommy took me back to nikki's room. i remember, he looked terrible. pale, bloated, he still looked dead. i almost wondered if he was. "
another photo, it was of me hugging nikki in the hospital. it was taken a few hours later, he was just awake and we'd both been crying. we were asleep when the photo was taken.
"when he woke up to me tracing his hand, he thought he was dreaming," i laugh softly. "we ended up having a nice long talk. he agreed to try to get clean."
the next few photos were from between '88 and '89. some of just me and nikki being together. one was from when he proposed to me and another of us in the hospital when i was pregnant.
"we ended up being back together by june of the next year and he proposed by november. we both thought that if he was clean, or at least working on it, we'd be okay. he was right. when i got pregnant, we were both happy and terrified. finn was like a miracle. nikki and i both were more than ecstatic to be parents."
"finn was 2 when nikki and i actually got married. the marriage was like a never-ending honeymoon phase. i felt like that 3 year break never happened. our band, corpse bride, was still releasing music but because maya and i both had young children, we couldn't do extensive tour like our first two."
"i just hope whatever nikki's doing now, i hope he's happy," i tell them. once i get up to leave, i wipe the singular tear that had fallen. last i heard, his engagement got called of so i hope things are better now. i really do hope that nikki is happy. even if it's not with me.
