(late 1988)
—I know its wrong to be going through the polaroids of us again. I know she's with a man who makes her happy and treats her good but it doesnt matter because shes not with me. Its my fault, i shouldn't have pushed her away. I really dont have a right to be jealous. I find one picture in particular thats hard to even look it. Its from 1979. My hair was still brown back then and i hadnt changed my name yet. My arms are around her, her shoulder against my chest and while im looking at her, shes got her eyes on the stars.
My door knob turns and i fumble to scatter the polaroids as tommy peeks into the dim room. "Hey, y/n just called. Shes getting married, man. she wants us there," he tells me almost solemnly. I nod, grabbing the bottle of jack on my nightstand and chug the rest of it down before grabbing the scattered pictures and putting them back into the small box i kept them in.
With a loud and heavy sigh, i look at the empty syringe on the table and after a second of consideration, i throw across the room and watch it the wall and break in half. I wanted to be the man she was marrying. But i couldnt, not anymore. So i reach for my notebook and pen, dating the page, and let the words flow out of me. Sometimes i get a song, sometimes its just words but either way, it helps.
Hey baby doll,
Its me again. Its been 1,315 days since you left me. Thats exactly three years, seven months, five days and six hours as of right now. (its around 7). God i wish i hadnt picked brandi. But your getting married, baby. Im happy for you but i also am so insanely jealous because i wanted that to be me. Hes loving you the way you deserve. The way i couldnt.
But either way, it fucking kills me to hear about you and him. Or see you on magazine covers with him. Its my fault, i know. If you were here thats what you'd be telling me. That its my fault that im not the man your marrying.
Im glad you invited me to the wedding. Even if im not there as the groom, im happy i get to see you as a bride.
Love, nikki
Part of me wanted to scratch out the word love but i couldnt find it in my to do so. I sighed, ripping the paper out and tri-folding it to slip it into the cream colored envelope in the nightstand drawer. Its about rip with how stuffed it is but i dont care. I wedge the paper in with the rest and slam the drawer shut.
But after a few minutes of careful consideration, i pull it back open and grab the envelope. A grab a random paper and unfold it.
Hey my love,
Its been exactly 100 days since you left
I refold the paper like ive done many times before, tucking it back into the envelope and the drawer. Part of me is considrting giving thes to her on her wedding day but i know that would be a very asshole-thing of me to do. I know ive blown my chances but now that im sober and i can think clever than ive been able to in a long time, i decide to give her call.
I stand up from the bed and walk into the living room. Mick, tommy and vince had all gone home by now. No matter how often they were here, it feels so empty without her. I pick up the phone and dial the only number i still know by heart. I asked her if ew could meet up to talk for a few minutes and once she agreed, i grabbed my keys and made my way outside. She said it was fine for me to just come over so i drive to her and stevens place, parking the car outside when i saw the door open. It was raining and i felt kinda bad about her having to run out but she had a jacket on.
When her eyes finally met mine through to stormy haze, it felt like the world stopped moving and the only thing was the gray blur that was los angeles. I jolted my thumb towards the passenger side and she walked around and climbed in. her hair was loose and messy, pajama pants sitting low on her hips and the familiar t shirt id watched her cut years ago exposed her strip of lower stomach. Her belly button piercing caught the light, drawing my eyes downward where her tattoos disappeared into her waistband.
Once she got her jacket off and over her lap, she turned to me and it almost felt surreal. "So what did you wanna talk about, nikki?" she asked softly. I brought my hand up to my mouth, a nervous habit from my childhood days, as i realized how much i missed her voice. Her cold hand wrapped around my wrist, pulling it away from my mouth. "Dont chew your nails."
"I miss you. I know i fucked up but you should know that after you left, i never spoke, touched or even though about brandi. I left after that and i went home. And i got clean. I know its hard to believe but i promise im telling the truth. God, im so in love with you it hurts and its i know how selfish it is of me to even be here, trying to talk about this with you. But oh my God y/n, i cant fucking take it anymore. Im thinking clearer than i ever have before and when i tell you i know what i want in life now, i want you. Please, tell me im not the only one who still feels that way," i plead. It feels pathetic but i cant be bothered to think about that when the only thing on my mind is her.
"But you still chose her over me. You told me that i was being bitchy and that you were happier when you were with brandi. That fucking killed me. it still does. I feel like im caught between a rock and a hard place because im happy with steven, i really am. But my feelings for him cant even compare to what i still feel for you. But you-"
She cuts herself off with a sharp inhale as my hand cups the bottom of her jaw and tilts her face up to meet mine. Her breath fans over my face, the nostalgic smell of her mint gum filling my nose. Her eyes flicker between my eyes and my lips, mine doing the same to her. I leaned forward a bit more until my lips where ghosting over hers. Her eyes had already fluttered shut when i whisper "Can i kiss you?"
She nods, lifting herself up a bit by her elbows on the console as my lips hit hers desperately. My tongue slides across her bottom lip and my hand under her jaw pulls her closer to me as her mouth tilts open. If we keep at this, either stevens gonna see or (/and) were gonna fuck in my car so i pull away from her. "Come home," i whisper to her after a moment of silence. "Please."
"Fuck nikki, what do i tell steven?" she laughs out, still jittery from the kiss.
