August 2013
Laying on my bed. With the blanket over my naked body. Bandages around my right arm. Why aren't I dead? Isn't this the part where I'm supposed to have a white sheet over my head? Why isn't that happening? Phil. Phil isn't letting me die? Why can't he just let me bleed out? Why couldn't he just left me drown in the bath tub? I'm useless.
My door open and I saw Phil. I showed no facial expression. No joy, no anger, no tears. Nothing. I really don't know how I feel about him now. He stared at me with sorrow.
"Hey Dan" Phil almost whispered.
"Hi"
"Why?"
I didn't answer. I just turned away to look at my butt chair. He walked over to my bed and sat on the side. I still didn't look at him. I glanced at his shirt, it had faded red stains. Probably my blood stains.
"Because" I finally responded.
"Because why?"
"I'm not relavent to anything anymore"
"Of course you are. To me"
"What the actual fuck Phil, you literally walk out of my life two months and you actually have the nerve to say that?"
He hesitated while staring at his shoes. "I missed you Dan..."
At this I got furious. I sat up straight up.
"MISS ME? OH REALLY PHIL. YOU MISSED ME. BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO MISSES SOMEONE WOULD NOT CALL THEM FOR TWO MONTHS. JUST IGNORE THEM FOR TWO ENTIRE FUCKING MONTHS. THATS WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN PEOPLE MISS SOMEONE. EXACTLY." I was just frustrated.
I crossed my arms.
"Why did you even bother to come back? Weren't you with your girlfriend?"
"I came back because I, uh..."
"Because..." I said in a annoyed voice.
"I'm planning to move in with her."
What. Was he kidding? I have lived him for years and he only known her for half a year.
"So you are officially leaving?" I said in a softer voice.
"Yes Dan."
"When are you living with her"
"I plan to be completly moved in with her in two weeks."
"Oh ok"
Phil bit his bottom lip and looked at me with sorry eyes. He kissed my forehead and then patted my head. He then left me in my room.
I really didn't know how I felt about Phil. He was the reason I want to die. But he is still the same reason I want to live. He is saving me from himself.
October 2013
Phil officially moved out. Gone. Saying bye wasn't that bad because he was never home since April anyways. I spent my days at home alone having an exsistencial crisis literally every other day.
Was I even best friends with him anymore? Did he still hate me? Did he just walk out of my life? I am alone. Again. I never bothered to contact because he has a new life. But he did save my life three times. I just... I just don't know what to do. I went on YouTube to get my mind off of Phil. But that didn't even help.
I saw Phil's first video again. The video that made me stop thinking about my alcoholic mom and my fucking brother. That video made me subscribe and stay here. It lead to more of his videos. More and more. His videos distracted me from my suicidal thoughts and depression.
I saw the first Philisnotonfire. Our first video. I saw the hand hearts we made at the end. I remember promising myself to no longer to self harm after we were done filming the video. It was such a great day.
I stopped watching videos and closed my laptop. I looked to my right and saw my piano. I remember Phil saying I was astonishing. He made me feel like I had talent. I was going to give up playing, but he always told me that I shouldn't give up. So I didn't. I kept playing and got better.
Phil helped me in so many ways. What did I do for him? I just deprived years of life away from him. Why did he stay?
I left my room and went to go shower. I came back out and saw a video in my subscription box. It was Phil. He didn't post for nearly half a year. It said it was uploaded a couple of minutes ago. Should I click it? I was hesitant at the moment, but I just closed my laptop and went to blow dry my hair.
January 2015
I spent more than a year away from Phil. Why am I still not over him? I've been spending an entire year to myself. But yet, he is still on my mind. We never contacted and yet, I still keep thinking of him.
Around 7pm, my phone rang. I looked at the contact. It was Phil. What? I... huh? It's been over a year since we last talked. I ignored the call. But I texted him right away to skype me instead.
Ten minutes later, my skype ringtone on my laptop went off. I picked up and I saw Phil. He hasn't changed one bit.
"Hey Dan." he says first.
I gave him a small smile. I then see Nicole coming from the right and kissing Phil's cheek. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.
"So how's life Dan?"
"Just, you know, kind of boring. How about you?"
"Alright. Not much" he responded. Nicole turned to fix Phil's fringe. "Oh, honey, fringe gap." Phil then said "Oh thanks honey."
I saw a ring on her hand. "So Phil. Not much? Little miss Nicole got a ring on that finger" I said with chuckles between words.
"Oh yea I completly forgot. I got engaged to Phil. I just couldn't say no." she looked at him with heart eyes. She pecked his lips and turned back to me. Seeing made me feel another sharp pain in my stomach. Why was this happening?
"So when is the wedding?" I nervously said.
"Valentines Day" they both said.
That almost killed me. Two years ago on Valentines, Phil saved me from a car accident. He stayed with me in the hospital everyday. He waited for me until I woke. He was the first person I saw. Ever since he moved with Nicole, each day got harder. I missed him more and more. What was I feeling?
"I gotta go guys. Nice talki-"
"Before you go, I wanted to invite you to the wedding." Phil said with glee
When Phil said that, I almost felt like passing out. Why do I feel like this? Was I jealous? I shouldnt have been. He is my best friend.
A best friend that I'm in love with.
